What’s that you say? You want a cheap lunch, a universal remote control and a box of beer and you want it now? Well screw you – we’re not your personal shoppers.

But we can show how to get all that stuff yourself, with the help of HotUKDeals. So stop bloody crying.

If you’re on the lookout for lunch (and who among us can honestly say that they aren’t?), what can you reasonably expect to get for 99p out there in The Real World? A Mars bar and a brisk kick in the fanny, that’s what.

No longer. We’ve tracked down a sandwich/water/crisps three-way that will earn you a single penny in cashback for your meagre outlay of one shiny poundular coin. Informed comments over at HUKD include: “the water is horrible.” Where do we queue?

Just what has modern life really given us, eh? Seasonal Affective Disorder, Twitter and too many remote controls in our living rooms. And that’s pretty much it. Not what we hoped would happen is it? At least we can rectify one of those problems for you here and now.

What would you say to a Logitech Harmony 515 universal remote control that will take on the roles of five other remote controls, and has garnered generally positive reviews from everyone who has used it – and all for £27.99? You’d say ‘Hello remote control!’ Where do we queue?

Finally today, a booze offer. Because as we never tire of reminding you, it’s almost Christmas and you need to stock up on your festive booze stash. Plus, because it’s so cheap, you don’t feel guilty about drinking it all early, because you know we’ll throw another deal at you a few days later. Glug!

Today’s offer is a delightful little cardboard box filled with 18 bottles, each one containing exactly 275ml of Carlsberg Export. It was £14.98 but right now it’s only £6.99. Put it somewhere safe for Christmas – wouldn’t want you drinking it all bef… oh, you’ve gone.

(deals found by HUKD members Dom10, MWD and samsun)