When we try and imagine the typical Bitterwallet reader, we like to think they’re someone who equally enjoys tootling around the streets on an electric scooter and flying all over the United States of America. That’s when they’re not agonising over whether they might be pregnant or not.

What’s that you say? That’s EXACTLY how you are? Wonderful – read on, today’s bargains (from HotUKDeals) are perfect for you

First up is an electric scooter for less than £400 – £399.99 to be precise. It’s a Xufeng XF50QDT-2 but that doesn’t mean a damned thing to us. It might as well be a Strimhedley 67-GTR or a ZX Jumfster Pumpcrank Model 2. Still, it’s bloody cheap.

Speaking of people whose hair you’d like to see on fire (although we weren’t,) its existence will probably deeply annoy the likes of Jeremy Clarkson, and if that isn’t a good enough reason to own one, then we don’t know what is.

Next comes an opportunity to zig-zag your way throughout the skies of the United States for an entire month, not caring where you end up or how many complimentary peanuts you eat.

It’s an unlimited airline ticket, giving you the choice of 57 cities and more than 600 daily flights – and all that is just $599.00 (about £360.00). Our tip – kill someone, chop them up and use the ticket to distribute the body parts all over the USA. The perfect crime.

Finally, from aviation to mock-elation, and that golden moment in the life of every parent when they first realise that they’re going to be saddled with a mewling, snot-dribbling, shit-smearing human monkey – better known of course as a baby.

We’ve tracked down some Predictor pregnancy testing kits on sale for just 50p each. If you do get a positive result, take comfort in the fact that the kit cost you so little because for the next quarter of a century or beyond, you’re going to be spewing out cash like a turbo-charged wood-chipping machine.

(deals found by HUKD members Winchy, eslick and Gimpy)