Oppressed garment makers of Malaysia rejoice! Primark have announced a massive demand for neon studded leggings and crap tracky bottoms, with sales expected to be up 23% and half-year results way ahead of expectations.

Owners Associated British Foods say that Primark has enjoyed an ‘outstanding performance’ during the past few months, as depressed, recession hit Britain wraps its fat arses in wrap around cardigans and baggy t-shirts that say: ‘WOT R U LOOKIN’ AT?’

As well as the British public’s ravenous need for badly made clothing that absolutely ISN’T made by tearful children, profit margins were apparently also higher thanks to lower cotton prices and better trading.

With 257 stores and 15 new stores opening in the last six months, Primark is definitely on the up. The chain also plans to spread itself all over Europe, a bit like the plague.

So what are you waiting for, peasants? Get yourself down to Primark, grab a bucket and fill it with the high street’s crappiest crap! Apparently, it’s all you deserve.