This sandwich is amazing. Just reading about it has given me seventeen heart-attacks. Delicious, dribbling heart-attacks.
Want the huge array of ingredients for this 6 inches in diameter colon compacter? Here goes (deep breath): 2 rolls, 4 cheeseburgers, kebab meat, bacon, sausage, mozzarella sticks, chicken fingers, chicken nuggets, double cheesesteak, chicken cheesesteak, grilled chicken, mac n cheese bites, fried mushrooms, jalapeño poppers, bits of pizza, onion rings, hash browns, cheese slices, mayonnaise, ketchup and fries.
Get in our guts. NOW.
You can never get close enough to hummingbirds can you? They’re so shy and retiring that its believed that they all congregate up Anne Widdicombe’s minge (officially the loneliest place on Earth) so no-one bothers them.
So what is the best way of coaxing them out? Boiled ham? Lambert & Butler? A bag of Cheese Moments?
Nope, you need the (and I quote) “AWESOME! UNBELIEVABLE!” Wearable Hummingbird Feeder!
Basically, it’s a face shield with a hummingbird feeder glued into it or something. That means, you can feed a hummingbird whilst it unfurls its hideously long tongue centimetres from your eyes.
If you want to buy one, or indeed, follow tediously detailed instructions on how to build your own… or watch a video of the Kendo Nagasaki gone wrong head in action, then click these differently coloured words.
And then move to a country that actually has some hummingbirds. Perhaps you could test it out on thrushes or women down the local with Apple Sourz in the feeder.
Wham! Bam! Thank you ma’am Bitterwallet! We’ve got not one but two potentially amazing/pointless leaps in audio technology to show you (delete as appropriate although in case you’re not sure, they’re both amazing.)
First off comes a battery-powered, pocket-sized synthesiser for leprechauns, midgets and Gulliver wannabes. The Korg Monotron comes with a ribbon keyboard, VCO, VCF, and LFO controls, and the same analog filter found in the Korg MS-10 and MS-20.
We’re pretty sure you’ll empathise with us when we say that we’ve spent thousands of man-hours looking for a tiny version of the MS-10 and MS-20 and this one is only about £50. Hmm, exactly.
Next comes something that would have made the televisual write-off that is Lost far more exciting had the characters all been equipped with one.
It’s a portable cardboard record player – a disco that you can slip into a medium-sized bag. Slip a record on it, hook it all together and spin that disc with your finger at a rate of 45 revolutions per minute until something vaguely resembling music emerges from it.
It only plays seven inch singles by the looks of things so not ideal if you’re looking to light up a bifter, sit back and lose yourself to the sound of Dark Side Of The Moon. As well as getting finger cramp, you’re likely to set fire to the thing with your jazz album.
At the moment it seems to be a titting promo so you’ve got little or no chance of getting one. And no, the girl DOESN’T come with the portable cardboard record player.
We utterly want one of these – a traditional cuckoo clock modified as a tribute to The Shining.
Actually, it’s not really all that traditional – sure, at the top of the hour, something emerges from out of the clock but it isn’t a cuckoo. It’s Nicholson’s Johnny, his deranged head bursting through the door where his petrified wife cowers.
Apparently, the clock delivers the classic “Here’s Johnny!” line closely followed by a shriek of terror from Shelley Duvall’s Wendy. We’re sure it would be a welcome addition to Bitterwallet’s underground HQ and wouldn’t send us stark staring bonkers in under a day.
All work and no play makes Andy a dull boy…