Tesco sizzle your teeth with biscuit spreads

November 27th, 2014 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

Over at Tesco, they’ve got a wilful disregard for the state of your teeth with some potentially orgasmic spreads that are made from biscuits.

We told you about the mighty Biscoff, which is basically crack in a jar that will give you diabetes just by looking at it, and now Tesco are getting in on the action too.

However, this time, there’s a vote going on.

biscuit spreads 500x305 Tesco sizzle your teeth with biscuit spreads

Tesco say: “We asked The Orchard at Tesco members to submit their suggestions for a new biscuit inspired spread. After much umming and ahhing, we’ve shortlisted four tasty spreads: Jaffa Orange, Millionaire Shortbread, Jammy Ring Swirl and Chocolate Digestive.”

“It’s now up to you to pick the winner. Which spread do you think takes the biscuit?”

You can vote over at their Facebook page. We’re just disappointed that no-one suggested a Tunnock’s Tea Cake spread. We’ll just have to go back to squashing 6 of them onto our toast with a spoon while we cry at Judge Judy repeats.

Grand Theft Auto: the vinyl edition

November 4th, 2014 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

GTA is a franchise bigger than most films, so it is surprising that they haven’t merched the crap out of it. Well hipsters, you’re in for a treat because there’s going to be a vinyl set of the Grand Theft Auto V soundtrack.

Outstanding work.

gta vinyl 500x327 Grand Theft Auto: the vinyl editionRockstar have announced that there’s going to be a limited edition 59-track release of original music from GTA V.

It’ll be released on CD as well as vinyl, but to make them more sought after, they’ll be in limited runs. Buy one now, flog it for loads of money on eBay in a couple of months.

The 59 tracks are all original music, and sadly not the licensed songs from the radio. However, GTA had some original music from stars on the game, so expect to get A$AP Rocky, Tyler The Creator, Wavves, Flying Lotus, and Yeasayer on your record. There’s also some of the incidental score from Tangerine Dream and DJ Shadow.

There’ll be six records, a full colour booklet and an exclusive lithograph poster. The CD collection meanwhile, comes on three discs and will have a Grand Theft Auto V gold brick-shaped USB drive, as well as artwork and a poster.

They’ll be on sale on December 9th. No price has been announced as yet. They won’t be cheap though.

We Really Want… an invisible umbrella

October 16th, 2014 8 Comments By Mof Gimmers

All the best gadgets are the ones that are thoroughly pointless. You don’t need a tablet. You could easily live without remote controls. So with that, let us get excited about the fancy, but ultimately pointless invisible umbrella.

Even though trad. arr. umbrellas work pretty fine on their own, there’s a Kickstarter project that has developed an umbrella that replaces waterproof fabric for a force field. You heard. A force field.

And it has already raised and surpassed its $10,000 goal by three times.

If you can’t be bothered watching the video, basically, the umbrella is a rod that comes in three models, which basically are different from each other due to battery life and length.

“It’s a real ‘invisible umbrella,’ which takes advantage of the air flow as shelter from the rain,” the campaign page says.

It’s basically a plastic rod with a motor inside that sucks air in one end and blows it out at the other, creating an air blade that redirects the rain away from you, and onto anyone walking by.

Now for some sentences with double entendres: Model A is designed for women and will be 12 inches long and last for 15 minutes. Model B will be 20 inches long and will blow stuff out of the end for half an hour. Model c is extendible to 32 inches and will give you 30 minutes of satisfaction while you grip the shaft.

Thing is, this is quite heavy and probably quite noisy, so why have all these people coughed up their money to fund it? Have they spotted another use for it? Maybe you can make a bong out of it or something sex related?

Or is it just a case of people being tired of drying umbrellas indoors or they’ve had enough of them blowing inside out on wet, windy days? Or is the funding propelled by tall people who are tired of getting an umbrella in the eye?

One thing’s for certain – they have some design work to do as currently, it looks really very ugly.

air umbrella 500x246 We Really Want... an invisible umbrella

If you want to find out more about it, visit the Kickstarter here.

We Really Want… a Synek beer machine!

July 2nd, 2014 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

beer 282x300 We Really Want... a Synek beer machine!All hail the Synek Kickstarter! Why? Well, this crowdfunder enables you to have any beer you want, at home, with the help of your computer. That’s nice isn’t it?

Obviously, you could just go to the shop and buy bottles of whatever your favourite tipple is, but this is for the homebrewer sort, who wants things a little different.

So, here’s the deal – you know what a growler is? Quiet at the back of class. A growler is a heavy glass jug that can store beer for transportation, which preserves some of the freshness. The Synek employs a plastic pouch, which has a tube system from your tap and can store one gallon of beer and is airtight so everything stays fresh.

You can fill it up with your homebrew or, if you prefer, waddle down the local with it and get them to fill it up with your favourite draught booze. Once you have a pouch full of liquid (seriously, stop sniggering at the back there), you pop it in Synek and you can then pull it straight from the tap.

While a growler keeps your beer for a couple of days, Synek reckons you can have lovely draught beer for up to a month. You can even keep your pouch in the fridge and swap one beer for another.

It’ll set you back $299 for the full shebang, which is roughly the same price as a fancy(ish) coffee machine.

If you’re already too drunk to concentrate on reading words, let this video explain what the Synek beer machine does (and enjoy Steve’s great sweary intro).

If you want to contribute to the Kickstarter and put some money up, click here.

Welcome to the HUVr. That’s a hoverboard which a team claims to have mastered, thereby making a load of Back to the Future fans’ dreams a reality.

In the video below, you’ll see a promotional stunt showing off the HUVr, with celebrities like Skateboarding legend Tony Hawk, musician Moby and rap god Schoolboy Q taking the thing for a ride.

The video assures us that we’re watching the real thing, but it clearly isn’t the case. First off, the celebrities involved send alarm bells off. Tony Hawk will do anything to promote his brand. Moby will do anything for money (remember when his ‘Play’ album soundtracked every single advert ever?) and Schoolboy Q is a rapper and everyone in hip hop knows that you don’t make money from records anymore, so you get paid elsewhere.

The project says:

“What began as a summer project in 2010 at the MIT Physics Graduate Program has evolved into one of the most exciting independent products to be developed out of MIT since the high-powered lithium-ion batteries developed by Yet-Ming Chiang in 2001. Our team consists of materials science, electricity & magnetism experts who’ve solved an important part of one of science’s mysteries: the key to antigravity.”

“The HUVr Board team ultimately aims to improve the efficiency, speed and sustainability of mass transportation. Yet rather than spend several more years closed off from the world while investing in research and development, the team and our world-class investors have worked to change the economics R&D by marketing this exciting consumer product in order to fund ongoing R&D.”

Eagle-eyed viewers will look toward the shadows in the video to see bits of bad editing but, if they could do this, surely it would be the most wonderful invention of a generation.

We really need… Slightly Wrong Quotes t-shirts!

November 26th, 2013 4 Comments By Mof Gimmers

Some bright spark has come up with a brilliant range of t-shirts that feature slightly wrong quotes. Our favourite is the one pictured below, but there’s ones starring Victor Meldrew, Joey from Friends, Star Trek and loads more.

They’re pretty amazing.

chopper 327x500 We really need... Slightly Wrong Quotes t shirts!

Even better, is that you can buy them! Have a look at the wondrous slightlywrongquotes.com to see the full range. They’d make an excellent Christmas present, especially if you are utterly adamant that the quote is correct if the recipient tells you it is wrong.

This sandwich is amazing. Just reading about it has given me seventeen heart-attacks. Delicious, dribbling heart-attacks.

the fat sandwich 500x333 Clog up your arteries with the finest sandwich in human history!

Want the huge array of ingredients for this 6 inches in diameter colon compacter? Here goes (deep breath): 2 rolls, 4 cheeseburgers, kebab meat, bacon, sausage, mozzarella sticks, chicken fingers, chicken nuggets, double cheesesteak, chicken cheesesteak, grilled chicken, mac n cheese bites, fried mushrooms, jalapeño poppers, bits of pizza, onion rings, hash browns, cheese slices, mayonnaise, ketchup and fries.

Get in our guts. NOW.


eye2eye 009 300x287 We really need... a hummingbird feeder you can wear on your stupid faceYou can never get close enough to hummingbirds can you? They’re so shy and retiring that its believed that they all congregate up Anne Widdicombe’s minge (officially the loneliest place on Earth) so no-one bothers them.

So what is the best way of coaxing them out? Boiled ham? Lambert & Butler? A bag of Cheese Moments?

Nope, you need the (and I quote) “AWESOME! UNBELIEVABLE!” Wearable Hummingbird Feeder!

Basically, it’s a face shield with a hummingbird feeder glued into it or something. That means, you can feed a hummingbird whilst it unfurls its hideously long tongue centimetres from your eyes.

If you want to buy one, or indeed, follow tediously detailed instructions on how to build your own… or watch a video of the Kendo Nagasaki gone wrong head in action, then click these differently coloured words.

And then move to a country that actually has some hummingbirds. Perhaps you could test it out on thrushes or women down the local with Apple Sourz in the feeder.

Wham! Bam! Thank you ma’am Bitterwallet! We’ve got not one but two potentially amazing/pointless leaps in audio technology to show you (delete as appropriate although in case you’re not sure, they’re both amazing.)

First off comes a battery-powered, pocket-sized synthesiser for leprechauns, midgets and Gulliver wannabes. The Korg Monotron comes with a ribbon keyboard, VCO, VCF, and LFO controls, and the same analog filter found in the Korg MS-10 and MS-20.

We’re pretty sure you’ll empathise with us when we say that we’ve spent thousands of man-hours looking for a tiny version of the MS-10 and MS-20 and this one is only about £50. Hmm, exactly.

Next comes something that would have made the televisual write-off that is Lost far more exciting had the characters all been equipped with one.

It’s a portable cardboard record player – a disco that you can slip into a medium-sized bag. Slip a record on it, hook it all together and spin that disc with your finger at a rate of 45 revolutions per minute until something vaguely resembling music emerges from it.

It only plays seven inch singles by the looks of things so not ideal if you’re looking to light up a bifter, sit back and lose yourself to the sound of Dark Side Of The Moon. As well as getting finger cramp, you’re likely to set fire to the thing with your jazz album.

At the moment it seems to be a titting promo so you’ve got little or no chance of getting one. And no, the girl DOESN’T come with the portable cardboard record player.

We really need… the Shining cuckoo clock

March 13th, 2010 2 Comments By Andy Dawson

shining cuckoo clock We really need... the Shining cuckoo clockWe utterly want one of these – a traditional cuckoo clock modified as a tribute to The Shining.

Actually, it’s not really all that traditional – sure, at the top of the hour, something emerges from out of the clock but it isn’t a cuckoo. It’s Nicholson’s Johnny, his deranged head bursting through the door where his petrified wife cowers.

Apparently, the clock delivers the classic “Here’s Johnny!” line closely followed by a shriek of terror from Shelley Duvall’s Wendy. We’re sure it would be a welcome addition to Bitterwallet’s underground HQ and wouldn’t send us stark staring bonkers in under a day.

All work and no play makes Andy a dull boy…