To be honest with you, our money was on Ryanair coming up with the first promotion to capitalise on the British Airways strikes, but easyJet have beaten them to it:

“easyJet have announced that following the news that British Airways cabin crew are set to take industrial action, the airline will offer British Airways Executive Gold card holders free speedy boarding plus (priority check-in and boarding) on the days that BA crew strike.

“Paul Simmons, easyJet’s UK general manager, said: “We believe that our award winning service and amazingly low-fares will attract even more BA passengers to fly with easyJet. This is a golden opportunity for BA’s Executive Club card holders to try our Speedy Boarding product – after which, they will never look back.”

If you say so. It’s now likely that Sky Marshall O’Leary has the Ryanair marketing team locked in a cellar, thrashing them at regular intervals until they come up with an outrageously childish promotion to strike back with. In fact, we imagine a situation at Ryanair HQ not too dissimilar to this:

…but there must be better ways of saving money than THIS!

easyJet is the most popular airline in the UK, ladies and gentlemen. That’s according to this just in – from easyJet. The press release also refers to easyJet as the ‘UK’s national airline’, no doubt an example of calculated posturing amongst the strike turmoil for flag-bearing British Airways.

According to the figures provided by the Civil Aviation Authority, in 2009 easyJet carried 28,147,268 passengers – ’significantly more than any other airline’ according to the press release. Except it isn’t really, at least not according to the same set of figures which show Ryanair in second place with 28,095,201 UK passengers. That’s a difference of 52,067 passengers, or less than 0.2 per cent – hardly a difference that can be described as significant.

The press release puts British Airways is third with 26,274,056 passengers carried in 2009, although that figure is adjusted to strip out journeys made by transfer passengers. After that, there’s fresh air between BA and fourth place BMI (6.8 million) and fifth place FlyBe (6.75 million).

Interestingly, easyJet deliberately avoids describing themselves as ‘the UK’s favourite airline’; the press release uses the terms ‘the UK’s national airline’ and ‘the UK’s most popular airline‘. Of course Ryanair refers to itself as ‘Britain’s favourite airline’, thus opening of another can of ambiguous worms; favourite isn’t the same as popular, while Britain isn’t the same as the UK.

It’s all ammunition for the upcoming airline dogfight that’s intensifying between easyJet and Ryanair; after challenging the airline’s Stelios Haji-Ioannou to an idiotic ‘Sumo Smackdown’ in Trafalgar Square, Sky Marshall O’Leary is now blowing air out his hole about easyJet’s refusal to publish punctuality figures for its services. O’Leary might have a point, but what kind of businessman puts his name to a press release like this?

“Stelios has so far failed to take up Ryanair’s challenge of a race around Trafalgar Square, or a wheelbarrow race, or even a sumo wrestling bout where Stelios’ obvious talents would give him a significant advantage…”

“Stelios obviously can’t run, but he can’t hide either.”

HE’S FAT, WE GET IT, MICHAEL. Bravo to you, sir, for taking the piss out of people for being overweight – a courageous move, for sure. Sadly, it’s difficult to care much when you yourself come across as an appallingly offensive jumped-up shit of a man.

For all their crowing, the budget airlines have had an easier time of the recession than others. But despite the likes of easyJet and Ryanair increasing passenger numbers in the past twelve months, UK airports have suffered the biggest decline in passenger numbers since records began in the 1940s, dropping over seven percent in 2009.

According to the Civil Aviation Authority, London City handled 14 per cent fewer passengers, and both Stansted and Luton saw a drop of over 10 per cent. Heathrow’s passengers numbers decreased by 1.5 per cent, Gatwick by just over five per cent, while Manchester’s passenger numbers nosedived by nearly 12 per cent compared to numbers in 2008. The only silver lining is that the bulk of the loss was in the first half of last year.

Airlines battle for UK passengers, yesterday (artist's impression)

Meanwhile, British Airways is this afternoon expected to roll details for operations during the upcoming strikes by cabin crew. The airline is expecting to operate roughly 70 per cent of all scheduled flights, with most cancellations likely to be domestic and short haul, as BA attempts to protect its precious long haul custom. It’s expected that at least 23 aircraft will operate with replacement crews made up of other BA staff. Rumours that Gordon Brown will be passing through the cabin with a selection of snacks and beverages are entirely fictitious, although the Prime Minister seems keen to dirty his hands in the business of the loss-making airline.

Finally, after months of foreplay with British Airways, Unite finally look like they’re going to get it on. The union, which represents many of the airline’s staff, has called a press conference for later this morning. While not confirmed yet, it’s thought that union representatives will announce formal strike action. Unite has to announce any intended action by this Monday, and British Airways have not announced any breakthrough in negotiations, so it’s looking very likely.

Unite has been squaring up to the airline for months, over changes to working conditions for longhaul cabin crew. After the threat of Christmas strikes passed without incident, they now have a legal ballot behind them and can give seven day’s notice before taking strike action. According to the BBC, Unite have promised not to strike over the Easter holidays – the first two to three weeks of Easter. That means if industrial action is announced today, it may curtail BA flights from next Friday (19th) through to the end of the month.

If strikes go ahead, British Airways will continue to operate some flights. If has trained 1,000 volunteers as cabin crew to act as replacements (christ, it’ll be like Celebair, but with cabin crew who are somehow less well known), and is considering hiring in staff from other airlines. BA has stated flights from London City Airport will not be affected, and that over two thirds of flights from Gatwick should run to schedule. No guarantees can be made about any routes operating out of Heathrow until the strike is declared.

Industrial action is likely to take its toll on domestic and shorthaul flights first – the public line is that there are more travel options available to passengers travelling shorter distances, but BA won’t want to lose loyal longhaul custom to their competitors. If you are booked on board a BA flight that is likely to be affected, you can find out what your options are on the British Airways website.

UPDATE: From Unite’s official statement:

“Strikes are planned for March 20, 21 and 22 and further on March 27, 28, 29 and 30. There will be no strikes over the Easter period, as we already promised, but further industrial action will be called to take place after April 14 if the dispute has not been resolved.”

British Airways has already begun posting details of affected flights on its website.

How 2025 will surely look

Plans for a high-speed rail network are due to be unveiled later today, with £2 billion to be spent every year for more than a decade readying a super-fast connection between London and Birmingham by 2025.

The suave-sounding-but-actually-not-suave-in-the-slightest transport chief Lord Adonis will unveil the plans today, and he’s expected to announce a space-age link that will reduce a journey between the capital and the hub of the Midlands to the speed of a blink of an eye. Well, around 50 minutes.

The new track will be able to handle trains capable of speeds of up to 250mph with 18 trains an hour ferrying 20,000 folk between London and Brum, possibly whether they like it or not.

It is believed that the line would branch off in two directions from Birmingham, with one running west of the Pennines to Manchester and on to Scotland and the other going east through Sheffield, Leeds and Newcastle.

The Conservatives are already opposing the plans, suggesting that Heathrow should be included in the scheme and proposing an admittedly more exciting-sounding reverse S-shaped line from London to Birmingham, Manchester and Leeds.

What everyone has failed to take into account is that by 2025, the personal high-speed jet packs that the 21^st century promised us must surely have been perfected and we’ll all be racing through the skies at hundreds of miles an hour in a land where dark skies and sleep have been eradicated.

Idiots.

A mum, yesterday

Right, where was I? Oh yes. So a couple of weeks have passed since your media-friendly nonsense about a man eating a winning scratchcard, and you need another excuse, any excuse, to whore your wares. What about an entirely convoluted survey that proves nothing whatsoever? Yes!

Ryanair, the world’s favourite most frequented airline, is gunning for the mums. It’s nearly Mother’s Day again (this Sunday, fact fans) so the budget airline has produced some vital statistics that demand you buy your mum a Ryanair flight or she’ll hate you forever. Fact. See, according to the budget airline who surveyed 1,000 mothers, “90 per cent of mums see Mother’s Day flowers as a waste of money and would prefer a (naughty) weekend away from the kids.”

Difficult to know where to start with this one. Let’s begin with the fact that Ryanair can’t read the results of their own survey, the results of which state:

Ryanair’s survey asked ‘What would you like to get this Mother’s Day?’:

• 55% a voucher for a (naughty) weekend away from the kids
• 20% Mother’s Day meal in a restaurant
• 15% Chocolates
• 10% Flowers

The statement “90 per cent of mums… would prefer a (naughty) weekend away from the kids” is an outright lie, so the number is only 55 per cent – the ‘news’ article’s byline gets the facts right, but lazy churnalists will cut and paste from the ambigious body copy, not the headline.

There’s then the fact that nobody was actually asked to choose which item they thought was a waste of money – they were asked to choose which gift they’d prefer to receive. So 90 per cent of mothers don’t necessarily think flowers are a waste of money. You can’t even state they wouldn’t want flowers on Mother’s Day, because that wasn’t the question asked.

Finally, given the choice between a weekend away and a bunch of flowers, of course people are going to choose the former. The most shocking revelation is that 45 per cent of mothers didn’t choose the free holiday. Predetermining the available choices is obviously going to define the response – if the list of possibilities had included free mortgage payments for a year, nobody would be choosing a couple of nights of yankee doodle in Lanzarote.

Yeah, it’s not that big a deal, it’s only another bit of fluff on nonsense from Ryanair – but it’s always worth pointing out what a lot of horseshit is blurted out in the name of you, the consumer.

If you snapped up flights to the US during the Christmas sales, here’s some news that’s grimmer than a wet day in Doncaster – the pound is taking one hell of a beating from the dollar right now. The reasons are many and varied, but the net effect is that if you try and exchange your money anytime soon, you’re going to get screwed over:

From a high of nearly $1.65 to the pound in January, sterling dropped below $1.60 at the beginning of February, and on Monday slipped below $1.49 – suddenly you’re getting $15 less per £100 compared to six weeks ago. According to business papers, key causes include the upcoming UK elections, continued economic strife and investors scrutinising the European market closer than ever since Greece blew its financial load.

That’s not the worst of it. Some analysts think the UK is carrying too debt and need to reduce it immediately. Analysts being analysts, however, couldn’t agree on anything if their faces were on fire; Swiss bank UBS AG has warned the pound could fall to $1.05 or lower, if the country tries to cut its debt too quickly. They’re not the only ones, sadly – the Financial Times compares sterling’s current problems to the situation in 1985, when the pound nearly reached parity with the dollar. Whaaaaat!

Of course it may not happen, but even the best case scenario doesn’t see sterling strengthening against the dollar anytime soon. So if you’re travelling to the States soon, what can you do about it?

If you’re a very regular visitor to the US, you’re probably already following the exchange rates and buying currency through the likes of XE.com. What if yours is a one-off visit in a couple of months? It could be worth taking a punt on a currency exchange card from the likes of FairFX. It’s a Mastercard that lets you buy currency at today’s exchange rate for use later on; the exchange rates are generous – FairFX beats the likes of Tesco hands down – and it’s free if you add over £500 to the card. Other cards are available for free with a lower spend, but we mention FairFX because there’s Quidco available too. The only downside – there’s a $2 transaction fee for every cash withdrawl.

Take Your Child To Work Day is very admirable, but there are some professionals who shouldn’t get involved. Prison wardens. Open heart surgeons. Air traffic controllers. Specifically, air traffic controllers at one the busiest airports in the world, serving a city full of people petrified by anything larger than a pigeon flying overhead.

Yes, one air traffic controller at John F. Kennedy Airport in New York thought it’d be fun to not only take his kid into work, but let junior live on the microphone and direct the planes. No, really. The exchanges between the school-aged child and jets waiting to take off from JFK became public after they were recorded and posted on LiveATC.net, a site streaming live feeds from air traffic control towers. While the child only appears to be repeating information passed on by his father, it’s fair to say dad should probably have been concentrating on more pertinent matters – such as avoiding aviation disasters:

The Federal Aviation Administration said a controller and a supervisor have been placed on administrative leave as it investigates. FAA boss Randy Babbitt called the incident a ‘lapse in judgment’. No, over-cooking the sprouts is a lapse in judgment – messing about with your kid at work while several thousand souls circle above your head is madness.

Bullshit PR alert ahoy, skipper, AROOGA AROOGA. But the BBC is reporting it, it must be true! A man eating a winning scratchcard worth 10,000 Euros smacks of stretching credibility like a freak show schlong, but when you learn the scratchcard was won on board a Ryanair flight? Meh.

The story goes that the passenger won the scratchcard while flying from Krakow to the East Midlands on Thursday. Upon learning he couldn’t claim his prize money immediately, the passenger stood up and in a fit of rage he scoffed the ticket. Ryanair is now donating the prize money to charity, and allowing the public to vote which organisation receives it.

If only the story hadn’t broken on a gambling website with a string of blah cut and paste straight from a press release:

“Yesterday’s events prove that while Ryanair’s scratchcards offer large cash prizes they clearly taste great too!”

“Crew tried to stop the air Gourmet Scratch Card eater by offering him one of our great tasting sandwiches, pizzas or snacks instead, but clearly he had much more expensive tastes!”

Fuck entirely off. We’re not even mad at Ryanair – this is what they do – but seeing the BBC (and others) report it as a story? Maybe the corporation should get back to checking their facts on last weekend’s PM bullying exclusive before they’re allowed near the news agenda again.

Who’d want to get on a plane this week, eh? Europe is screeeewed. Getting around isn’t too easy as thousands of pilots, air traffic controllers and cabin crew conspire to ruin your day. What’s going on, then? And will you still be leaving on a jet plane later in the week?

Yesterday, 4,000 pilots at German airline Lufthansa began four days of strikes – the good news is that the action was called off after a day. The bad news? Flights are likely to remain affected until Friday. For further information on affected flights, Lufthansa has made their adhoc schedules available online.

Meanwhile French air traffic controllers today began a four day strike – no real reason, they just enjoy it – meaning hundreds of flights in and out of Paris are severely delayed or cancelled. Airlines have cut half of services at Orly airport and a quarter at Charles de Gaulle, and easyJet - one of France’s major operators – has also been forced to cut flights in and out of Lyon. You can check to see whether your flight is affected through the easyJet flight schedules.

And then the news that after plenty of huffing and puffing at Christmas, over four fifths of British Airways cabin crew have once again voted to strike. So what does this mean if you’ve booked up to travel with BA? At the moment, absolutely nothing – while the union Unite now have the ability to legally strike, they’ve announced they won’t decide on when to take action until they’ve held further talks with BA’s management.

According to the BBC, Unite have also announced there will be no strikes over Easter – presumably their experience at Christmas taught the union that striking at times of peak travel only sours public support.

Would you sit next to this man on a plane?

Throughout all of the recent furore over fat people being chucked off aeroplanes, one question has remained unasked. Namely – what about all the smelly bastards? Why aren’t they being asked to disembark before take-off?

Now, as airlines slowly morph into airbound Aryan mini-states, it’s starting to happen. It’s game over for the stinkers and the precedent has been set by regional Canadian airline Jazz Air. Nice.

CNN report that a passenger with strong body odour was asked to get off a Jazz flight a couple of weeks ago because he was stinking the whole thing out. An eye witness reported that: “People were just mumbling and staring at him. It was a very uncomfortable situation.”

One other, less tactful, passenger described the whiff on the plane as “brutal.” Jazz Air flim-flammed out some meaningless waffle that included the phrases “safety and comfort,” “resolve a situation” and “may become necessary” when asked about the whole thing, something that seems a little less than groovy, given their name.

What’s next? An odour detector for passengers to pass through as part of security? A good hosing down with some Ambi Pur for those who don’t make the grade? Mid-flight ejections for those who sweat profusely while in confined spaces? And just how cool could the Jazz Air in-flight entertainment really be? Your thoughts are kind of welcome…

[Consumerist]

The world may be edging out of recession, but it’s forced many of us to take a long, hard look at the money we piss up the wall. The net-result is that Oz-based Qantas Airways are cutting first class services from the majority of its flights, after their chief executive stated that on a typical flight, six out of ten first class seats are empty.

Qantas flies to 16 domestic and 21 international destinations, but the changes in first class availability will mean passengers will only be able to fly up front between Australia and London via Singapore, and direct between Australia and Los Angeles. The airline will ”reconfigure” the seating arrangements to squeeze about 100 extra seats on their A380s and 50 on their jumbo jets. Earlier in the week, CityJet – a subsidiary of Air France – launched a new premium economy class, replacing current business class seats on their flights, meaning less room for around a third off the ticket price.

If other airlines were to follow the same model, would this flood of cheap seats mean a tumble in prices for air travel? Probably not. Given that the bulk of revenue from a flight comes from the 10 to 15 per cent of passengers willing to pay a premium for first class travel, it’s unlikely a big increase in seat availability will mean lower prices. Even if the increase in economy fares generated a similar level of revenue, the massive increase in weight would surely see any profit swallowed up any profits in fuel costs and staffing.

“You’ve got a week and a bit to get your shit together, otherwise I’m blowing the airport sky high.”

This tweet made by Paul Chambers of some place called Balby has got him into a world of pain. That’s because he was tweeting about an airport and has subsequently been charged by the fuzz for sending a menacing message.

If there’s a law against that, I’m fucked.

Chambers is to appear at Doncaster Magistrates’ Court on Friday for a preliminary hearing after he was charged by South Yorkshire police on Thursday.

Chambers is said to have made the remarks about Robin Hood airport in South Yorkshire after he found out the a flight he planned to take was cancelled after all that snowy stuff fell out of the clouds last month.

As a result of the comments, some idiot complained to police who then, bafflingly, went and arrested Chambers and seized computers and an iPhone as part of their investigation. To rub dogshit in the wound, Chambers also found that he’d been banned for life from Robin Hood airport by authorities. It’s reckoned that this poor sod is the first person to be charged over sending offensive messages over the social networking site.

Has no-one thought that the likelihood of someone orchestrating a terrorist attack probably wouldn’t bother doing it on a social networking site? I mean, imagine a Facebook status update saying “I’m going to plant a device in my bag and set it off at Gatwick next Thursday”, followed with a thumbs up and Andy Dawson Likes This.

It wouldn’t happen because you’d have to be a monumental idiot to do so and an staggering kill-joy would be the only one to take it seriously.

Next week: Bitterwallet closed by authorities for comments above regarding Gatwick airport despite the fact that they clearly form part of a rubbish article designed, and failing to, make people even slightly amused or interested.

[The Register]

The dream...

Back when we were much younger, we dreamed of one day owning a car like Michael Knight’s KITT, one that would drive itself while delivering a series of withering, sarcastic putdowns to us just in case the idea of owning such a car had made us too big for our cowboy boots.

That dream still hasn’t been realised but we’re one step nearer with the news that the forthcoming new Audi A8 will dial 999 if you have a crash in it. It’s an enormous boon, and God knows we’re always on the look out for enormous boons these days.

Qualcomm are the brainiacs behind the idea, and the cars will be fitted with wireless tech and impact sensors, letting the car alert the emergency services in the event of a prang. Hopefully there’ll be some common sense applied as well and you won’t get a fleet of ambulances turning up when you accidentally reverse into a bollard while attempting a three point turn.

...and the reality.

The new, improved A8 will also add 3G connectivity to the car’s Mobile Media Interface, providing rootin’ tootin’ 3D satellite imagery, real time route planning, location-specific points of interest or local restaurant reviews, as well as up-to-the-minute traffic information and every single episode of Bewitched. Apart from every single episode of Bewitched of course – it’s not a frigging miracle car.

A self-driving, attitude-heavy gobshite car that criticises our haircuts can only be months away, surely?