Nice day for a Vimto wedding

August 21st, 2014 1 Comment By Ian Wade

vimto 171x300 Nice day for a Vimto weddingA Vimto-obsessed man has had a Vimto-themed wedding. No, he didn’t actually marry Vimto, but has settled on a lady instead.

Michael Tomlin of Cheshire, loves Vimto so much, he had his wedding to his bride Liz themed all around the purple goo.

Guests wore purple, they toasted with Vimto and dined on a variety of the soft drink’s spin-off products – even the priest wore a purple sash at St Gregory’s Church in Bollington, Cheshire.

Even the best man pulled out a presentation and joked that the wedding was sponsored by Vimto.

Michael explains that his obsession stemmed from when his gran used to make him the drink: ”When I met Liz I even took her to a Vimto statue in Manchester city centre for our first date and I proposed to her at the same spot four years later.”

“Vimto is at the centre of our hearts, so it was only fitting that it played a major part in our day. When I first met I was telling her the history of the drink and she loves all things history.”

Vimto is just about bloody EVERYWHERE for Michael, and he’s even snuck in a few cartons into his honeymoon luggage.

Which is the point where one would imagine his new wife should put her foot down.

Tesco Reading ready to rock

August 20th, 2014 1 Comment By Ian Wade

tesco.jpg small 300x225 Tesco Reading ready to rockWell Tesco in Reading certainly know their market in advance of the Reading Festival.

The Reading branch of the superstore have geared up for this weekend’s annual A-Level knees-up by replacing everything with booze.

Approximately four aisles of the West Extra branch are currently loaded up with alcohol.

And if you wanted an avocado or light leaf mix bag, you’ll be disappointed, as that’s now home to vodka and Jägermeister.

The festival, which has been going since around 1654 or something, usually sees revellers turn up on Thursday ahead of the three day affair, and once camped they’re soon on the prowl for refreshments.

This year’s event features Queens of the Stone Age, Arctic Monkeys, The Horrors, Disclosure and all that sort of thing, and traditionally tends to attract a more rough and ready younger set than the likes of Glastonbury.

A spokesperson for Tesco said they were expecting to serve 35,000 customers each day.

“We know from previous years just how important our store is to those attending the festival and we’re working really hard to make sure we’ve got everything they need, including food, wellies, tents and bedding. We’ll continue to stock everything our regular customers need for their normal weekly shop.”

Although one would imagine regulars would’ve got used to it by now and prepared their fun-shelters accordingly.

Sat navs send homeowner round the bend

August 20th, 2014 4 Comments By Ian Wade

TomTom 281x300 Sat navs send homeowner round the bendA lady in Somerset has pleaded with drivers to ditch their sat navs.

This isn’t as some kind of ‘be free of technology! Throw off your mental chains!’ type nonsense, she’s just a bit pissed off with lorries driving into her cottage.

Caroline Cockman, reckons lorries have caused £50,000 of damage to her home in Coxley, Somerset, due to believing everything that the sat nav tells them.

Cockman has lost count of the amount of vehicles that have got stuck up her lane.

It’s an ongoing hassle for the poor woman, claiming that just this week, there’s been three large vehicles trapped in her narrow strip of road.

“Their sat navs direct them down the lane and they ignore the evidence of their own eyes that it’s too narrow and just carry on until they get stuck.”

“The worst incident happened a couple of years ago when a big lorry blew out my back wall – it cost £33,000 in repairs. There have been many other incidents – I can’t remember them all. It must be well over £50,000 of damage in total.”

Understandably Cockman is now pleading with council officials to make signs at the top of the lane more obvious.

“The trouble is some drivers still use domestic sat navs instead of commercial ones. I’m told the commercial ones do carry warnings about the lane’s width but the domestic ones don’t.”

“Last Monday we had a big sewage tanker, with an escort to make sure it travelled safely, and it took him half-an-hour to reverse out. Then on Wednesday night someone collided with our low wall which stops vehicles coming off the lane and into our courtyard.”

“Another guy was trapped for six hours. If only truck drivers used their common sense as the lane got narrower and narrower.”

Perhaps we do need those new robot lorries after all?

ASDA logo There must be an Asda, and theyre checking out my heartIn ‘this can only end badly’ news, two Scunthorpe branches of Asda have been fitted with heart defibillators.

The devices which help restart the heart after a cardiac-type incident, are now in the stores so that anyone can deliver electric shocks to someone in difficulty.

Not sure if this indicates that Scunthorpe’s Asdas are a hotspot for this sort of thing – as if heart attacks are a daily worry for the store – or if it suggests that the town is in particularly poor health.

Then of course, the danger of falling into the wrong hands, and people giddygoating with it.

They’ve been provided through a team up between the supermarket, British Heart Foundation and East Midlands Ambulance Service.

EMAS community response manager Steve Pratten said: “For every minute someone goes into cardiac arrest before paramedics arrive, the chance of survival drops by 10 per cent.”

“That doesn’t mean there’s no chance after 10 minutes – good CPR increases the chances and every case is different – but defibrillators can make a huge difference while an ambulance is on its way.”

We look forward to someone being an amusing news story after they try and cook some Pop Tarts with the medical equipment.

Do we want robot lorries to roam the roads?

August 18th, 2014 3 Comments By Mof Gimmers

lorry 300x268 Do we want robot lorries to roam the roads?There’s plans to have computerised truck convoys which are controlled by a single driver and they look like they’re going to be tested on British roads as soon as next year.

Of course, with robot lorries, school children on coach trips will miss the opportunity to moon at drivers, get lorries to beep their horns at them or, in some cases, get mucky drivers to show off centrefolds from dirty magazines at them while everyone cackles on the back seat.

These driverless trucks will be electronically linked together, so that the driver in the front vehicle will control the lot. Could be nightmarish if they’re falling asleep at the wheel and working through a hangover.

The Mercedes-Benz Future Truck 2025 prototype has already been trialled in Germany.  Scania have also been doing their own tests for the last couple of years. It looks like the automated lorries would have to have humans in them, just in case there’s an emergency, which means that they’ll either have to do admin work or just drink strong tea from a flask while looking at dirty pictures on their phones.

The idea is that these lorries would cut down on congestion. The reality is that businesses will opt for the cheapest thing.

A government source told the Times: “There are potential benefits, notably reduced costs for haulage firms and reduced congestion for motorists, so there is sense in looking into it. Equally we have to be cautious and ensure that safety isn’t compromised in any way.”

There’s going to be inevitable issues with other drivers trying to enter and exit motorways and being able to see the road signs behind a train of robot trucks.

What do you make of it all?

 

Pop-up creator apologises

August 18th, 2014 2 Comments By Ian Wade

The man – and it had to be a man – who invented the pop-up advert has apologised for his behaviour.

Ethan Zuckerman, for it is he, reckoned he did not realise what fresh hell he was about to submit the internet to when he birth the code more than 20 years ago.

popup Pop up creator apologises

Wring on The Atlantic, Zuckerman said: “I’m sorry. Our intentions were good,”

“It was a way to associate an ad with a user’s page without putting it directly on the page, which advertisers worried would imply an association between their brand and the page’s content.”

Where to start with the pop-up advert? It’s seemingly innocent intentions were hijacked by the spammers to bring every internet user misery.

Put it this way, if pop-ups were unannoying, there would be no need for the invention of the pop-up blocker.

Anyway, Zuckerman seems apologetic enough. Nothing that a good jail term wouldn’t straighten out.

For sale: disused fort

August 15th, 2014 No Comments By Ian Wade

thamesfort 300x199 For sale: disused fortHousing now, and a disused fort in the middle of the River Thames has come on to the market!

Ideally situated for either an evil empire looking to step up the bomb-proof fort ladder, or as a base for ILLEGAL RAVING.

Sitting off the coast of the Isle of Grain in Medway, Kent, at £500,000, it’s a bit of a snip for a London address, and what an address: No.1, The Thames. Imagine the hassle the poor postie will have.

Quite the definition of ‘needs work’, the estate agent RiverHomes reckons it could be renovated into a seven bedroom mansion, and there’s potential for a swimming pool to be built in the fort’s gun turrets hole.

The current owner Simon Cooper, a builder from south-east London, reckoned it had become a bit of a palaver. ”I purchased it and it just didn’t work out well as a home – plus the cost of doing it,” he told the BBC.

Apparently there’s been interest from all over the world since it went on the market, so no doubt some Russian is eyeing it up as a nightclub for arseholes.

Bananas: now even more fun

August 15th, 2014 1 Comment By Ian Wade

Bananas- they’re quite useful as a health-boost and the more fun end of the ’5-a-day’ thing.

Now imagine them with chocolate running through them. Or – if you’re a bit weird – kale. Yum/ Blee (delete as appropriate).

Well now there’s a thing that can insert the pleasure into your banana, brilliantly called a Despatabanana.

despatabanana 300x221 Bananas: now even more fun

The Argentinian invention pulls out the centre of the cheery-yet-phallic fruit, and replaces it with the soft centre of your choice.

So now you can screw with nature and shove pulped strawberries into it, or even four other representatives of the fruit and veg family, to get ALL your recommended daily intake at once.

despatabanana2 300x238 Bananas: now even more fun

There isn’t a UK stockist as yet, but it soon come to Switzerland, but with your help, we can bring the people of Britain banana joy by the power of online demand or something.

We’ve just thought of what it would be like if you filled it with custard and now need a lie down.

British Airways bring on the cats and dogs

August 14th, 2014 1 Comment By Ian Wade

Looking at cats while on a flight news now, and British Airways have introduced Slow TV.

The in-flight entertainment has had a bit of an overhaul, and will now offer such channels as Paws & Relax, which is basically footage of cats and dogs being lovely.

There’s also a film of a seven hour Norwegian train journey, which sounds both amazing and like someone’s possibly been at the biscuits and dug out their Orb albums over at BA.

All of the vibes. Right there.

Paws and Relax’s shows include cartoon ‘Simon’s Cat’, ‘America’s Cutest Dog’ and the BBC’s ‘Secret Life of Cats’, and there will also be a showcase for Battersea Dogs & Cats Home, where no doubt emotional fliers can see if they want to adopt a poodle mid-flight.

In-flight entertainment manager of British Airways  Richard D’Cruze, said relaxing TV clips help enhance passenger’s trips.

“We discovered some scientific research that proves watching images of cute animals can actually lower your heart rate and reduces stress levels.”

vmbeacon screen 142x300 Robot overlords start small with talking shop mannequinsIn scenes that are likely going to turn around and mark the end of humanity, three UK stores are set to trial mannequins embedded with beacon technology.

The three shops – House of Fraser’s Online Store, Hawes and Curtis in London’s Jermyn Street and Bentalls in Kingston upon Thames – will have showroom dummies embedded with relevant information about what they are wearing in the shop window, or anything else the store wants to flog in your direction.

You’re not going to suddenly think you’re having a breakdown with windows talking to you willy nilly, the scheme relies on customers downloading the app and opting in.

Obviously there’s the creeping feeling that innocently sourcing a new blouse and some info on your phone says “Yeah! We have that in a blue and you’d look marvy!”, that it’s another way of marketing using your life choices and eating your mind.

Basically, you can select what you fancy and then order it online, if you’re pushed for time to actually enter the shop.

Naturally there’s also a social media aspect, as customers are also encouraged to share their fashion looks and dressing room selfies with friends.

Co-founder of the VMBeacon, Jonathan Berlin, speaking words he may live to regret, said: “Research shows that customers already use their smartphones while shopping in store, but until now, the retail industry hasn’t realised the full potential of this,”

“The VMBeacon creates a completely new dimension to the shopping experience, by combining the consumer desire to be connected on the go, with the bricks and mortar store.”

It’s an inevitable idea, but surely by driving everything online, when the ‘bricks and mortar store’ does rely on a footfall of people actually going into them, seems a bit mad, but we’re sure they know what they’re doing!

Nice to know you can be mithered outside shops, as well as in them.

autons 300x224 Robot overlords start small with talking shop mannequins

Supermarket’s car wash destroys car

August 12th, 2014 12 Comments By Ian Wade

BMW 300x185 Supermarkets car wash destroys carA businessman is on the warpath with Morrisons after his car was destroyed by the supermarket’s car wash.

David Elliott was in the process of enjoying a £6.99 wash and wax of his new £75,000 BMW (a bit like this one pictured) at the Morrisons branch in Evesham, Worcestershire.

It was when the back window shattered, that he realised that this wasn’t part of the service.

Part of the car wash mechanism had got snagged the lower edge of the car’s boot. However the safety mechanism that usually kicks in to cut the machine off didn’t work, and the car wash rollers carried on.

When Mr Elliott drove his car out of the machine, he then noticed the full extent of the damage, which he has since been quoted £4,000 to have it fixed.

Now Mr Elliott claims that Morrisons are refusing to accept liability. A claim disputed by the supermarket, who say they have not yet finished their investigation into the incident.

“I called Morrisons customer services immediately telling them what had happened and within a week they had basically denied liability.”

“They didn’t even send somebody to look at my car. The car wash was broken by the incident. But they got an engineer in who presumably just pushed the reset button and said the car wash was fine.”

“Morrisons said to me they didn’t deny that the incident took place but because the car wash was fine beforehand and now the engineer said it’s working, it’s not their liability. They are completely washing their hands of it.”

There’s probably some gag about a company washing their hands of a car wash incident, but now’s not the time. However, next time he wants his car cleaning, he might have more joy if he goes for a good old fashioned hand-job.

Google cocks up with fruity map image

August 12th, 2014 No Comments By Ian Wade

Google has had a cock up

Skellow in Doncaster, home of… well, um, up until this weekend, not an awful lot except mining.

skellow1 500x300 Google cocks up with fruity map image

However if you were to have Googled Skellow over the weekend, you would have been greeted with a picture of naked man “reasonably excited” with nothing but a towel covering his manhood.

That’s what Twitter type David Firth found, and so screengrabbing it for lols, wrote: “Don’t think the people of Skellow, South Yorkshire would be happy with how Google pictures them.”

skellow twitter 500x315 Google cocks up with fruity map imageNaturally, the image didn’t stay up for long and there is no further explanation as to how it actually got there, other than it was sourced from an online blog called Housequake.

Perhaps there are similar pages in Google, like easter eggs or something, where small mining towns are illustrated by a excitable person in the nip. If you see more, do let us know.

Blind will be able to see by 2016

August 11th, 2014 No Comments By Ian Wade

oxford smart glasses 300x242 Blind will be able to see by 2016High-tech glasses that help the blind and partially sighted to actually see, could be in the actual shops in 2016.

Created by the University of Oxford, and in eventual conjunction with the Royal National Institute for Blind People (RNIB), the high-falutin’ glasses have a 3D camera that helps maximise a person’s vision, by separating and highlighting objects in their limited vision.

RNIB’s Solutions managing director Neil Heslop claimed to Sky News that trials with the glasses had proven to be a huge success with their guinea pigs.

There are approximately 360,000 registered blind and partially sighted people in the UK, of which it is said that 150,000 of them will benefit from the new specs.

Admittedly, right now they look quite clunky, what with that whole ‘having to cart a laptop around with them’ thing.

However after Google’s Impact Challenge threw them £500,000 after winning a competition, the team at Oxford can modify the glasses and headset into something more streamline.

More trials are happening as the team hone their design into a more practical shape, but the goal is for them to be available by 2016 around the £300 mark.

Hurrah for technology making a nice difference to lives, and hurrah for being able to see in general!

Here’s a butchers at the glasses in action

Want knickers that look soiled? Urine luck!

August 11th, 2014 2 Comments By Mof Gimmers

Urban Outfitters are selling some knickers for £5, reduced from £35, which is a good price right? However, these ‘Under Protection Tina Briefs in White and Lime’ have a major flaw.

They’ll make you look like you’ve pissed yourself.

5741447230006 034 b 333x500 Want knickers that look soiled? Urine luck!

The blurb on the site says: “Danish label Under Protection specialises in creating beautiful underwear from sustainable fabrics. These ultra-soft briefs are created from bamboo crepe fabric finished with a fresh dip dye.”

If you want to buy yourself or a loved-one some soiled-looking scads, then click here.