Wander around QPR while Ray Wilkins mutters in your ear
April 24th, 2013 • 6 Comments
Ever wanted to see what QPR’s Loftus Road is like behind the scenes? Of course you haven’t. Either way, the club are offering people the chance to wander around backstage in one of the most puzzling tour offers in sports.
For your buck, you’ll guide yourself around aided only by a new audio-visual handset, narrated by Hannibal Lecter lookalike, Ray Wilkins.
You’ll dander through hospitality areas, interview rooms and various places inhabited by players destined for the Championship with no official tour guide.
You can pick up your personal handset from the QPR ‘Superstore’ before aimlessly ambling around a football stadium on your own, looking exactly like an insane person who can hear voices in their head. What a treat.
There’ll be thousands queuing up for this, clearly.
[QPR]
Let’s all get married!
April 19th, 2013 • 9 Comments
New Icelandic app stops you from humping your sister
April 19th, 2013 • 6 Comments
Most people don’t need to worry that their potential love partner is actually a member of their own family. But in Iceland, with its tiny population of 320,000 people, accidental incest is a just one of those kerrazy coincidences that happen every other day.
So to minimize the chance that you’re doing it with a family member, the app – called ‘Bump’ – allows future lovers to bump their phones together to find out their genealogical status. When the phones make contact, it accesses a database that tells you whether you’re good to go, or whether you need to back away from your sexy uncle.
The database was originally compiled by anti-virus software developer Friðrik Skúlason, and turned into an app by a company called Sad Engineer studios. The tagline? ‘Bump in the app before you bump in the bed.’
The ‘bump’ is enabled through a ‘fun’ feature called Incest Prevention, which can tell the user by text or sound notification if they’re about to go poking around in their own overcrowded gene pool.
*Screams like Bjork*
Welcome to the stupidest double yellow lines in Britain!
April 17th, 2013 • 15 CommentsOver in Swindon, simpleton council workers painted double yellow lines along a four feet wide alleyway that is far too skinny to be driven down by a car. With just 13 inches of space between the lines, residents were baffled as to why they appeared along the narrow 60ft long path.
Swindon Borough Council pointed the finger of blame at contractors, adding that they’d probably forgotten “just how big cars actually are”.
A spokesperson for Swindon Borough Council said: ”It seems that our contractors forgot just how big cars actually are when they painted this one. We will be taking it up with them.”
Finally – the bed desk has arrived!
April 16th, 2013 • 2 CommentsWe’ve all asked the eternal question ‘why are there no beds at work?’. And there really has never been a satisfactory answer- UNTIL NOW.
Designers at Studio NL have finally unveiled a prototype ‘concept’ for a bed desk. It’s pretty basic; essentially a table with a Fritzl-esque manky mattress underneath, but it comes with an under-desk monitor, meaning that busy bees and night owls can ‘optimise snoozing solutions going forward’ whenever they like.
Sadly there’s no shelf for your alarm clock and eye mask, but as a slave who lives in the office, you’ll probably be naturally awoken by work-related anxiety anyway.
In honour of this fine new invention, let us take a moment to briefly observe the master of under-desk sleeping, Mr George Costanza. Show ‘em how it’s done, George.
Crockery tax is here to stay
April 6th, 2013 • 3 Comments
We told you last year about the EU’s snap decision to impose a crockery tax on imported ceramics from China, adding 58.8% to the base cost of these products when imported to any EU member state, including the UK. The rationale behind the levy was to promote free and fair trade within the EU, and naturally, super-cheap Chinese prices meant no producers within the EU could compete.
Yesterday, the EU voted to extend the levy until 2018. The UK was opposed to the levy initially but abstained in the vote yesterday, muich to the displeasure of the British Retail Consortium (BRC) who described the charge as “still wrong”.
The net result is that most crockery consumers will continue to pay more for their plates and bowls in the name of making things fairer. In volume terms, 80 per cent of all the EU’s imports of ceramic tableware (€730 million) come from China.
Helen Dickinson, BRC Director General said: “These charges shouldn’t have been imposed and they should not be kept. This decision is contrary to the free trade principles the Commission says it supports and hard-pressed customers are paying in the form of higher shop prices. It’s an avoidable inflationary pressure that is entirely unjustified.”
The duties were originally imposed following an investigation by the Commission into claims that Chinese producers are selling into the EU at artificially low prices. Claims made by European ceramic producers, naturally. However, the new decision amends the rate of duty, falling from over 58% down to a piffling 36% or less.
The BRC are thoroughly disgusted with the decision, as the British ceramic retail industry will also fall foul of the levy, claiming crockery tax is just the latest in a long line of random EU targets, including ironing boards, bicycles and candles.
Still, so long as it’s fair now.
Can you find a more peculiar painting that the Gary Glitter/Duck In A Nappy one?
April 5th, 2013 • 2 CommentsOutsider artists are difficult to find, but when you do, they’re to be treasured. Why? Well, in the case of this particular artist, they’ve decided to paint children’s TV weed, Orville the Duck, with the face of child-botherer, Gary Glitter.
And it gets weirder.
The artist says: “painting is 24″x45″ painted on hardboard, framed in pine, with real teeth, and drilled out eyes (you can fill these holes with l.e.d. lights or raisins)”
Real teeth! Raisin eyes!
And there’ll be more from the grotesque gallery. The artist continues: ”i am having a big spring clear out – so i’ll be putting up loads more of my paintings on ebay every day, so do please come back and check out other original paintings i am selling.”
It is currently going for just over a fiver on eBay. Click here if you want to buy it.
Marijuana cook book published for appalling hippies
April 4th, 2013 • 8 Comments
Weed smokers are, at the best of times, irritating ass-hats. They’re either prostrate and gibbering or, worse, jumpy and wide-eyed, scouring the internet for detractors so they can spout off about how booze is worse and that they have a NORMAL LIFE THANK YOU VERY MUCH AND IT IS NATURAL AND… shut it hippie.
And now, there’s a cookery book which has marijuana in all of its recipes, which is claiming to combine haute cuisine with the best 4:20 drugs.
Featuring chef Misha Sukyas, the book has been commissioned to help clothing retailer FreshCotton promote their dreary hipster spring/summer 2013 collection.
“This project represents what we like about Amsterdam – fashion, good food and having fun,” said creative director Colin Lamberton. “The cookbook is very relevant for today’s mash-up culture.”
“Cooking shows are really popular, so we wanted to create an alternative take on cooking – one that feels more raw and experimental in premise, but looks and tastes beautiful and sophisticated.”
Mash-up culture. Raw and experimental. Somebody invent an arse-kicking robot to follow this man around for the rest of his life.
If you’re interested, the book includes recipes like ‘marijuana chicken rolls with hashish quenelles and a marijuana coulis’ and ‘cappuccino of bali kratom, hashish and baby woodrose’. If someone offers you any of these dishes, be sure to punch them in the windpipe to purposefully harsh their ‘vibe’.
Keep your money in your mattress. Safely.
April 2nd, 2013 • 3 Comments
So did anyone fall for an April Fool yesterday? While the glass bottomed Virgin plane was perhaps the most believable, surely no-one capable of using a modern computer actually fell for the Google Nose one. Really?
Anyway, this latest invention from Spain sounds like it might be a late joke, but in actual fact, is absolutely genuine, and some might say, more sensible than traditional options. Yes, you can now secure your money in your mattress with the addition of a fully functioning safe.
That’s right. My Mattress Savings Bank or La Caja de Ahorros Mi Colchón as it is known in Spain, is a new fusion of slumber and security, where you can genuinely keep on top of your finances while you sleep.
Of course, Spain is one of the European countries where the banking sector has been worst hit, with many people losing money through investment and schemes that ultimately crashed. Given the current situation in Cyprus, it is no wonder the mattress seems a more attractive option.
“Banks are in the headlines now because of Cyprus, but in Spain we have known how dangerous they can be for several years,” inventor Paco Santos told the Guardian. “People were starting to say it was better to keep it under your mattress.” And who was he but to oblige their needs.
Not only is Santos saving his countrymen’s finances, he has pepped up his own fortunes, saving his bed business from possible collapse. The first 20 safe-mattresses sold out within 24 hours and while he remains tight-lipped on details of his order book, Santos claims he will be busy manufacturing the mattresses for some months to come, boosted by enquiries from security firms and export orders. Including some from Cyprus.
While mattress-savings do not keep pace with inflation, or offer you loans when you’re hard up, Santos claims that his beds are not uncomfortable to sleep on, as the safe is inserted at the end of the mattress. Besides, even without a pitiful rate of interest, the savings shaving that has been going on in Spain and in Cyprus could mean your mattress turns out to be a sound investment this Spring.
Shop charges you if you’re ‘just looking’
March 27th, 2013 • 10 CommentsWhen Smokey Robinson and the Miracles advised that you ‘Shop Around’, they clearly weren’t thinking of the highly strung shop-owner in Brisbane who is charging people AU $5 for “just looking”. And yes, they’re a hippie with a chip on their shoulder in a shop called Celiac Supplies, a gluten-free food retailer.
And here is the shop’s warning.
The owner, Georgina, said: “I’ve had a gutful of working and not getting paid. I’m not here to dispense a charity service for Coles and Woolworths to make more money.”
“I can tell straight away who are the ratbags who are going to come in here and pick my brain and disappear.”
Lovely use of ‘ratbags’ there. Someone should work out a scam where a number of people enter the shop, but one person buys goods, claiming the $5 refund on everyone with them, thereby getting free stuff AND money out of the till.
Rent a professional mourner for your funeral
March 27th, 2013 • 5 Comments
Are you unpopular? Are you a bitter, petty and vindictive swine who alienates everybody around you with your stinkbomb of a personality? Well, worry no more, because when you die, you can now rent someone to cry at your funeral for just £45!
The trend for professional mourning started in China and the Far East, and now the service has extended to Essex. The agency, Rent a Mourner, have 20 actors (or ‘moirologists’ as they’re technically known) for hire to make up your funeral numbers and have a good old grief stricken blub at the back of the church.
The Chinese swear by rented sobbers, and it’s also a service that’s popular in the Middle East, where much wailing and gnashing of teeth is used to mark the passing of loved ones. The rise of multiculturalism in the UK has led to more demand here, causing Ian Robertson to start his sad agency in Braintree.
‘It is growing in the UK – our bookings are up 50 per cent year on year.’ he says.’ Our staff will meet with the client beforehand and agree “the story”, so our staff will either have known the deceased professionally or socially. They will be informed of the deceased’s background, achievements, failures etc., so they can converse with other mourners with confidence.’
So next time you’re at a funeral, check out the back row for a hammy actress with an onion in her hanky who says: ‘Boo hoo -£45 please.’
Italians drink like Scottish tramps
March 27th, 2013 • 12 CommentsItaly! A place of sunshine, fine wines and rich food! A country with fashion houses, tailored suits and sexual potency! However, Italians aren’t all great. Aside from the whole ‘fascism thing’, they also don’t know the first thing about good beer.
This is neatly underlined by an establishment called ‘Old Bear’ which, on the chalkboard, prioritises Tennent’s Super on the beer list! Not only that, they have TWO TYPES of Tennent’s, which is just magnificent. Perfect if your bar wants to attract Rab C. Nesbitt or Stuart McCall.
[Twitter]
Sinclair C5 voted worst invention of all-time
March 25th, 2013 • 33 Comments
Of all the inventions in the world, ever, the Sinclair C5 has been voted the biggest gadget tragedy in human history.
Seems a bit unfair.
Sir Clive Sinclair’s battery-tricycle topped a list that also included Alan Sugar’s email telephone and Betamax video.
In second place was the Rabbit, which if you remember, was a mobile phone which only worked if you were stood within a 100 metres of a transmitter. Basically, it was an expensive walkie-talkie.
The Gadget Show Live, ran the poll, said some of the developments tried “to solve problems that simply didn’t exist”.
Here’s the top ten worst technology inventions ever.
1. Sinclair C5
2. Rabbit Mobile Phones
3. Betamax video
4. Sony MiniDisc
5. LaserDisc video
6. Sega Game Gear
7. Squarial
8. Email telephone
9. Pizza scissors
10. Sony DAT
Feel free to disagree and add your own bad gadgets in the comments. We think the addition of the GameGear is a little peculiar (surely no better or worse than an Atari Lynx or GameBoy Colour?). The BBQ Donut Boat should have really got a look in.
Birmingham council wants to know where wheelie bin owners are rubbing their genitals
March 19th, 2013 • 1 Comment
Birmingham city council are very interested in the sexual habits of wheelie-bin owners, presumably because they’re thundering pervs or something. The city of Brum asked residents what type of genitals they liked in a survey, which perplexed home owners.
One resident said the council should ‘mind its own business’ while another asked if their bins would be colour-coded to reflect the sexual orientation of the people of the Midlands.
The online questionnaire asked about recycling and bin sizes, and then asked: “Which of the following most accurately describes your sexual orientation? Bisexual, gay man, gay woman/lesbian, heterosexual/straight, other, or prefer not to say.”
The Labour council said the question was included so they could try to ensure that all views were representative of everyone in the city’s population. And maybe they wanted to know which recycling bins would be filled with empty bottles of poppers.
And former Conservative councillor Peter Smallbone, right on cue, chipped in by saying: “It’s typical pointless lefty nonsense.”
A council spokesman responded: “Although we do ask those questions, as part of the effort to make the feedback as informed as possible, you will have also noticed that ‘prefer not to say’ is an option to every question in that part of the survey.”
Brum city council are pretty useless though. A couple of years ago, they sent out voting cards with the wrong date on them for the people of ‘Birmingam’ and before that, while promoting the city, printed nearly 400,000 leaflets with a picture of Birmingham, Alabama on them.
Co-op asks “ARE YOU READY TO PRAAAATY?”
March 19th, 2013 • 6 CommentsThose cuddly hippies at the Co-operative have made a small boob on a celebration cake which has frankly made them look like right wnakers.
[AlsBoy]
