Act like a baby in new Shoreditch cafe

April 1st, 2015 5 Comments By Mof Gimmers

goo goo cafe owners Act like a baby in new Shoreditch cafeA new cafe is opening in Shoreditch which encourages patrons to relive the joys of being a baby. At London’s ‘Baby Boomer’, patrons can enjoy (if that’s the right word) an experience where they can eat Farley’s Rusks, suck dummies, have a nap and, according to the manager of the enterprise, “even be taken to the toilet, but we’re sure customers will be fine to go themselves!” according to the owners.

After the successes of the cereal cafe, and things like the ‘cuddle cafe‘ and the ball-pool for adults, there’s been upswing in businesses opening where grown-ups can kick back and relive their youth.

Owners Sylvia and Henrik Bjáni have been looking at a venture in the fashionable area of Shoreditch for a while and decided to open Baby Boomer while the market was ‘booming’. How droll.

Henrik says: “Modern life is stressful and hard, and the time you are most safe is when you’re a baby. I guess we’re offering a refuge from modern life. At Baby Boomer, you’ll be able to eat a rusk or have chopped-up-egg-in-a-cup, while listening to lullaby versions of famous rock songs.”

Henrik continued: “There’s toys to play with, ‘shakes that come in Johnson’s Baby Powder bottles and themed cakes – our kitchen is currently making edible teething rings and we’re looking at savoury brownies that will be served in a nappy. It’s just a bit of fun really.”

Sylvia added: “When we did our soft opening, we had artists, musicians and entrepreneurs popping by. What I found most interesting is that a couple of bankers came along. It is nice to think that we’re offering a way out of the rat race. We want to stir up the nostalgia that is in all of us and provide a calm environment too. It is our own twist on the cafe experience. We feel there’s nowhere like it on Earth.”

Of course, there’s similar baby cafes in Japan and the States, most notably ‘Nendo’ and ‘Womb With A View’, but this is the first time we’ve seen something like this in the UK and the cafe opens today at 8 Rufus St, London.

The menu is online, along with a load of irritatingly infantile graphics and ideas. Chopped-up-egg-in-a-cup, for example, is a duck egg with Anglesey sea salt in a Tommee Tippee cup for £4! If this is your idea of fun or you just want to get angry at something, click here to see what they’re offering.

Tesco too literal with their marketing slogans

March 25th, 2015 2 Comments By Mof Gimmers

Tesco can’t get a thing right at the moment, with legal action being taken against them for that accounting balls-up, and now, they’re being far too literal with their marketing slogans.

Have a look at this lovely scene and see if you can spot it (we didn’t, immediately).

CA2oMnYVAAAIout 500x288 Tesco too literal with their marketing slogans

While the Tesco lorry proudly crows: “You shop, we drop”, you can see that the fella in the hi-vis jacket has taken the slogan on as gospel, and dropped his load everywhere.

If advertising slogans are all correct, maybe Gillette is the best a man can get and the men of the world have already peaked, and we should just give up?


Boeing get patent for sci-fi forcefields!

March 24th, 2015 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

Boeing have been watching far too many science fiction films, as they’ve been granted the patent for actual forcefields. We hope that they’re also looking at tractor beams and lasers too.

Anyway, they want to use this technology to protect military vehicles and other targets – they could even use it on planes to stop birds flying into their engines.

The design is named “Method and system for shockwave attenuation via electromagnetic arc”, which is not at all catchy. An image from the patent looks like this:

design 1 480x360 Boeing get patent for sci fi forcefields!

According to patent office website USPTO, this forcefield will consist of two key elements: a sensor to detect a shockwave-producing explosion, and an arc generator that receives a signal from the sensor and uses magical energy to deflect the explosion.

“Such embodiments … may reduce the energy density of the shockwave by creating a second medium in the path of the advancing shockwave that reflects, refracts, absorbs and deflects at least a portion of the shockwave,” says the patent.

We assume Ryanair are building a Death Star as we speak.

Jagermeister pool party poisons punters

March 24th, 2015 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

Those blessed folks at Jagermeister have worked miracles with their product – they turned a rancid, old-fashioned digestif into something young, fashionable people want to neck on nights out. Basically, Jager is the thing you drink when you want to get absolutely wrecked.

With that, the company decided to have a pool party in Mexico and someone thought it’d be a fun idea to create a fine fog over the water, because it’d look cool.

However, to create the mist, they poured liquid nitrogen into the water!

Anyone with a vague grasp of science will know that the end result was not good. Not good at all.

Basically, the pool water was turned into poison with a toxic cloud being created as the liquid reacted with the chlorine, creating nitrogen trichloride.

Nitrogen trichloride is basically something that deprives a human of oxygen. It’s a knock-out gas, in short. Party-goers went from braying and whooping to dry-heaving and passing out. Eight people ended up in hospital while one of them even ended up in a coma!

A Jagermeister spokesman said: “We are aware of this incident in Leon, Mexico, which is currently being investigated by our headquarters here in Germany. We are liaising with the responsible distributor in Mexico who is working with the event organisers and the investigating authorities to understand the full circumstances surrounding the events last Saturday night. We fully support responsible drinking and adhere to the guidelines within each market in which we operate.”

Party on, Wayne!

Tesco’s diabetes Easter Eggs!

March 24th, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

Easter is a time for gorging on all manner of tooth-rotting items, as we all know. That’s because, in The Bible, Jesus famously hatched out of a giant egg after some Romans had nailed him to a cross. On emerging from the giant egg, Jesus was dressed as a Playboy bunny, hence why we celebrate the resurrection with rabbits and eggs.

Of course, all the supermarkets like to get into the Easter spirit by displaying eggs and the like, but one branch of Tesco went off-piste with their display.

As the picture below shows, some bright spark decided to warn you of the onset of Type 2 diabetes, which could definitely be brought about by eating too much chocolate.

tesco diabetes Tescos diabetes Easter Eggs!

Dr Aseem Malhotra spotted this and shared it on Twitter with the caption: “Is this some sort of sick joke?”

We think this could be the work of someone fabulously clueless or indeed, the handiwork of a bored member of staff or someone who has just handed their notice in and resolutely doesn’t care if they get in trouble or not.

Bravo, either way.

Drunk woman performs sex act on flight

March 23rd, 2015 6 Comments By Mof Gimmers

British Airways 857 19385812 0 0 4005 300 Drunk woman performs sex act on flightGetting on a plane can be a worrying, trying experience at the best of times. Boarding a metal cylinder which hurtles through the air at huge speeds, with the potential for crashing into the hard, unforgiving earth, is enough to get your heart racing.

Imagine then, considering all that, how stressed passengers would be, if one of your fellow travellers has tried to settle their nerves with a stiff drink. Or ten. Thousand.

Well, in a flight from Jamaica which was landing at Gatwick, a lady got tanked up on booze and then started getting freaky.

The lady in question stripped off in front of her fellow passengers and then, with a flourish, decided to perform what is politely described as ‘a solo sex act’.

The 46 year old lady had quite the time of it and then, on landing, was greeted by the police who were waiting on the tarmac, holding the handcuffs and waiting to book her for being incredibly drunk on an aircraft.

British Airways aren’t in the mood for commenting on this incident.

Fancy a Kit Kat sandwich?

March 23rd, 2015 7 Comments By Mof Gimmers

Japan again, where culinary rules are thrown out of the window and everyone is invited to cook-up and assemble all manner of fantastical nonsense for you to pop in your flapping gob.

So what have we got this time? Well, if you read the headline, you’ll know we’ve got a nice Kit Kat sandwich for you to mull over.

As this is Japan, where they have Kit Kats that taste like Baked Potato and even Wasabi flavours, you’ll be pleased to know that this particular sandwich deals with the trad. arr. Kit Kat that you know and love.

kit kat sandwich Fancy a Kit Kat sandwich?

This is the brainchild of First Kitchen, and as you might be able to work out, the dish consists of a muffin, enough whipped cream to give you instant diabetes, some bits of orange to make you feel healthy and a Kit Kat.

We translated the description from the site, and this Kit Kat sandwich has “outstanding compatibility with coffee, ease of use as a dessert” and has been “developed with the aim of glutinous mouthfeel”.

If you’re in Japan, it’ll cost you £1.25ish and if you’re not, you are no doubt capable enough of making your own.

All hail Burger King’s burger perfume!

March 19th, 2015 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

The amount of Z-list celebrities that have their own fragrance range, it is only fair that Burger King have their own too. Over in That Japan, Burger King are offering you meat lovers the chance to buy their new perfume called ‘Flame Grilled’.

Pop some of it on your wrists and behind the ears, and soon enough, you’ll have every dog in town following you around while vagrants lick your skin. It’ll cost you £27ish, and will come with a Whopper, which is just great. When you run out of ‘Flame Grilled’, maybe you can just wipe an actual burger under your armpits?

burger king perfume 500x281 All hail Burger Kings burger perfume!

Of course, BK devotees will know that this isn’t the first fragrance released by the fast food outlet. Back in 2008, Burger King gave ‘Flame’ to the world, which was described as smelling like a mixture of Lynx deodorant and YSL, but ‘not very meaty’.

Hopefully, this new one just smells like cooked burger grease. Here’s an advert for ‘Flame’ – we look forward to BW readers telling us about wearing the new one on a first date.

Swizzels create greatest job in the universe

March 16th, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

swizzels sweets 300x300 Swizzels create greatest job in the universeSwizzels – the good folks behind Love Hearts, Refreshers, Drumsticks and those ace chalky lollipops – are looking for someone to become their chief taster.

Sod your teeth – this is the best job in the universe and you can always get some dentures.

There’s a catch though. The job itself will pay a salary in sweets, so unless you want to run a black market on chewy, fizzy sweeties, you might want to look elsewhere if you want to keep up with your rent.

So what’s the job entail? Well, you have to be over 16 (sorry kids) and show that you have the following skills.

A sweet tooth
Previous and detailed experience of eating sweets
Finely tuned taste buds
A passion for confectionery
The ability to act like a kid in a sweet shop
An adventurous and creative mind

Your responsibilities?

Going behind the scenes at the Swizzels factory in Derbyshire
Learning the tricks of the trade alongside new product development manager Emma Herring
Sampling existing and brand new (to the market) products that no-one’s tried before
Helping to develop new and exciting products
Receiving highly confidential sweet prototypes through the year to test and feedback to the team

Sarah-Louise Heslop, Swizzels marketing manager said: “We’re looking for our biggest fan to join us at our factory and help us develop new additions to our range. No experience is necessary – just a love of sweets.”

If you want in, then you have ’til April 30th to write 500 words or submit a short video entry detailing why you’re the person for the job. Click here to get on it. Might be worth looking up type 2 diabetes while you’re at it.

poo crap 300x300 Someones poo was so bad, a plane had to turn back

Passengers were flying to Dubai to have a lovely time, when suddenly, they were heading back to Heathrow. Not because of technical problems, but because someone had dropped their guts in a spectacularly vile manner.

Those on the flight had been complaining about the skin-stripping stench from the toilets which were enough to curdle milk.

Tory councillor Abhishek Sachdev was on-board (going to Dubai, eh?) and tweeted about the whole affair, prompting Bitterwallet to immediately think ‘whoever smelt it, dealt it’. That’s the way it works right? Even in adult life.

His tweet read:

flight poo Someones poo was so bad, a plane had to turn back

Talking to the Mail, he said the pilot apologised to the passengers, and: “About 10 minutes later he said you may have noticed there’s a quite pungent smell coming from one of the toilets. He said it was liquid faecal excrement, those are the words he used. He said it’s not a technical fault with the plane, and he was very adamant about that.”

The flight was rescheduled for the next day and a British Airways spokesperson said: “We are very sorry for the discomfort to our customers.”

Meanwhile, someone somewhere can be proud or ashamed, depending on their constitution, of doing a crap so rancid that a plane had to stop flying.

Powdered alcohol – something else to get up you

March 13th, 2015 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

hilarious drunk man 232x300 Powdered alcohol   something else to get up you

Giving a new meaning to the term ‘powder keg’, powdered alcohol has been approved for sale over in America, which means every other booze nation is probably going to copy them.

The dismally named ‘Palcohol’ has been invented by some bloke called Mark Phillips (no, not that one) and basically, is a powdered versions of rum, vodka and an assortment of your fave cocktails. We eagerly await the first news stories of someone having an awful time after chopping and snorting 6 lines of tequila.

Why does the world need booze in powder form? Well, the inventor suggests that, if you’re an outdoorsy sort, instead of filling your backpack with bottles of booze, you can just take some sachets of booze, just add water and HEY PRESTO! you’re getting drunk on top of a hill!

Canny drunks will be thinking about sneaking drink into gigs and the like.

The news hasn’t been wholly welcomed in American, with some states already vowing to ban the sale of Palcohol. Either way, you’ll be able to buy it online from this summer.

Man finds gigantic snake in his Corn Flakes

March 11th, 2015 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

Breakfast time is either absolutely manic (if you have kids or you like to do star-jumps while you eat) or a calm period of reflection where you skim read the news while slurping coffee.

Well, if you live in exotic countries where everything is designed to kill you, things can be a little different.

One fella in Australia, who has a regrettable moustache, was going about his business and found that his Corn Flakes had been replaced with a massive snake.

Jared Smith was in his Sydney apartment when he spied at diamond python having a nice time in his cereal box. Yes, ‘python having a nice time in his cereal box’ sounds a bit dirty.

He told The Daily Telegraph: “I peeked in the box, saw its head pop out, and that’s when I dropped my food on the counter and bolted for the door. The python was over two metres long and I couldn’t believe it was jammed into this small cereal box.”

“When I got there I actually had to tear the box to get it out, that’s how tightly squeezed in it was. It’s likely it was hiding in there to feel secure”.

Now, these particular snakes aren’t venomous, but they’re snakes, so they can bite and they look so frightening that it can turn your blood into ice. Mercifully, the story ends with a professional beast handler coming to rescue it and return it to the bush land.

Richard Bootman, 25, thought he was about to have a lovely time horsing crisps into his mouth after he’d been shopping in the Brandon store of Aldi.

Presumably, he was thinking of all that lovely, delicious grease going into his face and patting his stomach in glee when it was all done… however, something odd happened.

He said: “I opened the packet of crisps and noticed there wasn’t the usual crunchy sound you get. I tipped the packet upside-down and this oily potato just fell out onto my desk.”

bad crisps Man discovers whole spud instead of crisps in packet

We would have been livid because this is tantamount to getting sabotaged with something healthy when you thought you were about to have a gloriously disgusting party in your mouth. It feels like someone ‘surprising’ you with alcohol-free beer.

However, Richard Bootman is twice the person we are and he thought it was funny: “We all just laughed when we saw it, then I said to a friend, “Maybe you are expected to cook your own crisps these days?”

The ultimate in artisan, DIY, next-level Salt ‘n’ Shake crisps. These would be a perfect blag for a crisps company wanting to sell to health conscious hipsters with loads of money and free time.

Anyway, Richard showed his pictures to Aldi via Twitter and they offered him a refund. An Aldi spokesperson said: “Aldi is aware of this incident and is happy to offer the customer a full refund.”

Man gets secret message in Frosties

March 9th, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

A man open a box of Frosties (nice to see an adult unashamed of eating Frosties, when other grown-ups tut at such things while rolling awful muesli round their gobs) and found it had a secret message inside!

Over in That Canada, Stephane Gaudette opened the cereal and discovered that he had the last ever box of Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes ever to be made in the country.

Gaudette – a history teacher, as luck would have it – found the inner bag had a message which read: “This is the very last bag of Canadian cereal for the Canadian market from Kellogg’s London, Ontario plant.”

For those of you not up to date with Canadian cereal manufacturing news, the factory was closed in December 2014 after 107 years in business, with 550 people becoming unemployed.

There’s been some furrowed brows over a sportswear company who printed some labels for football shirts, where the washing instructions were ‘GIVE IT TO YOUR WOMAN – IT’S HER JOB’

This, of course, has seen a lot of people shrieking in disgust. Not the people who think the message is a bit off, but rather, people who say things like ‘feminazis’ and the like.

B kIygdUsAA4d6U Washing instructions: Give It To Your Woman
Salvo Sports made the shirts for Indonesian Super League side Pusamania Borneo, which as you can see, had a label that said: “Washing instructions: Give this shirt to a woman. It’s her job.”

The response from people who thought it wasn’t a particularly nice thing to have on a shirt, was basically ‘this seems sexist’ or ‘bloody hell’, which of course, was met with the most hysterical set of people on the internet – those who think they’re not at all hysterical who like shouting at feminists (even though many of those criticising the label hadn’t said if they were or weren’t feminists at all).

Among all this, Salvo Sports said sorry on their Twitter account: “The message is simply, instead of washing it in the wrong way, you might as well give it to a lady because they are more capable”

“There is no intention to humiliate women. In contrast [we want to tell the men] learn from women how to take care of clothes”

Boom! There you go! Some lovely back-pedalling from a company saying ‘no, no, no, no – we meant that women should wash the clothes because women are the best! Loving your work ladies!‘ Meanwhile, the internet debates about what can and can’t constitute a joke and where people hysterically shout at each other, claiming to not be hysterical themselves.

“Hey! Get women to wash your clothes!” is a rubbish joke though.