Some traffic wardens are just trying to do a job. They know they’re unpopular and that everyone wants to throw them legs first into a wood-chipper, but they quietly get on with their job and try their best to be fair, in what is tantamount to a job that requires them to be largely unfair.
However, some traffic wardens need a boot up the hole. You may remember one traffic warden giving a ticket to a bin – well, another one has been at it, this time, giving a parking ticket to a wheel barrow.
If the driver of the unattended wheel barrow would like to get in touch with Bitterwallet, we’d like to offer you words of consolation and hopefully, your wheel barrow didn’t get clamped.
Following on from WH Smith’s utterly bizarre take on where you can drink booze, McDonald’s are getting all quantum theory on our asses with a sign that melts the mind.
It seems that this particular Maccies has a worm hole in it.
As you can see, the sign doesn’t say that you can use either lane to place your order, but rather, you should use ‘both’. Why McDonald’s would want you to be in two places at the same time is beyond us.
Maybe this particular branch is for Sam Beckett and Al, only?
If you’ve been out in the world with your eyes open at any point, you’ll know that sometimes, Out Of Order signs will appear on toilets. They’re annoying, but a necessary evil.
However, one sign at a Debenhams in Cardiff has caused a bit of interest over what is either a fun joke or a brilliant spelling mistake. The sign apologises “for any incontinence this may cause.”
We can’t decide whether or not that someone is having a joke, or if it is a genuine spelling error. Either way, we’re glad it exists.
Just as long as you didn’t see it in person and end up pissing your sides.
Ever wanted to send someone a fart in a jar? Ever thought; “Alan from accounts would really like a jar with a trump in it – I’d like to see his face and his flaring nostrils when he opens it. I really hate Alan from accounts.”
Well, you’re in luck! You no longer have to hover over an old jam jar you’d washed out, with your hole parping away into the receptacle. You can now get someone to do it for you for money.
Send a Jart is a proper thing and it’ll cost you $10, which seems like both a rip-off and a bargain at the same time.
So what do you need to do? Well, on the Send A Jart website, you ‘choose a booty blast’ (options include ‘crispy’ and ‘Republican’) then write a personalised message, then seal up the stink jar and then you ‘fist bump an eagle’ because, in the words of the company: “What’s that sound? Oh, that’s just the sound of sweet-ass victory being poured in a glass. Drink it up, my friend.”
Of course, you could just do all this yourself, but careful you don’t end up like the grotesque and totally NSFW 1 Man 1 Jar video, okay?
Guinness hope that their sauce will rival the favourites of ketchup and brown sauce in your kitchen, and it has been developed for the past 2 years. Apparently, what we have is a ‘premium table sauce’ which replicates the flavour of the famous drink and is best suited when squirted on meat.
It has been described as a “beautifully balanced, rich, dark sauce” and in each bottle, you’ll get ‘seven per cent Guinness’, sourced straight from the brewery in Dublin.
You know, obviously, that there’s been edible forms of Guinness before. HP sauce flavoured one of their sauces with Guinness a while back. There was also a Bull’s-Eye Guinness BBQ sauce too and some people make gravy with Guinness in it.
Anyway, you’ll be able to try it from May, when it goes on sale in Tesco for for £1.49.
Nestlé are rebranding KitKats, presumably just to annoy everyone, under the name ‘YouTube Break’. Are we all to assume that every time you try and eat one, you have to sit through some dreary advert first, which you can’t skip for 5 seconds?
Anyway, mercifully this will only be a limited run of 600,000 bars in the UK. Why anyone would want to buy a chocolate bar that says YouTube on it is another matter. Would you want some crisps that say AVG AntiVirus on them?
Nestlé will be doing a load of tie-ins with Google, with this being the first of a series of 100 million differently-branded biscuits.
With this particular campaign, you’ll find that YouTube will be launching new playlists designed for KitKat eaters, so they can ‘enjoy their break’ more. That basically means eating a snack with a slightly different name and watching some playlists that are under the KitKat brand. It is magnificently pointless, seeing as you could just buy an ordinary KitKat and piss about online and have exactly the same experience.
Nestlé will also be stamping KitKats with irritating hashtags like #metimebreak and #sportybreak. We hope some pays for this marketing campaign with their life.
You’ll know that retailers have to impose all manner of rules on customers that are buying booze. They advise you drink responsibly and ask you not to drink them on the premises and all that jazz.
However, at WH Smith, they have drinking rules that are, to say the least, conceptual.
As you can see from the sign, they say: “Alcohol purchased in WH Smith cannot be consumed anywhere inside or outside these premises.” It seems like, should you want to crack open a tin of bitter, you might have to open up an extra dimension that is neither inside or outside the shop, or something.
Of course, this isn’t the most bizarre concept WH Smith has come up with – have you ever seen how they price things in train stations? Some of the basics are so expensive that it’ll make you feel like you’ve had a brain injury.
[nicked off Twitter]
Manchester’s roads are filled with potholes. That’s not unlike most other places in the UK, but in Manchester, something is a little different. Someone is drawing wangs around them.
That’s right! Thanks to an artist called Wanksy, they’re going around drawing penises around potholes. You might think this is all puerile, but after the holes were ignored for ages by Manchester City Council, within 48 hours of Wanksy’s efforts, many of them had been fixed up.
“I wanted to attract attention to the pothole and make it memorable,” Wanksy told MEN. “Nothing seemed to do this better than a giant comedy phallus.”
A Bury council spokesman moaned: “Every penny that we have to spend cleaning off this graffiti is a penny less that we have to spend on actually repairing the potholes!”
The council member is a massive idiot though, because Wanksy drew the appendages on in industrial chalk, which means they’ll fade after a couple of weeks without any cleaning required.
On the Wanksy Facebook page, the artist is getting a fair amount of fan mail. Someone from That America wrote: “We need you in Madison, Wisconsin aka pothole hell!”
On the page, you can see many, many nobs drawn around unsightly holes. Won’t make much difference to most of your viewing habits, will it?
Catalogues for supermarkets and the like, are always thoroughly tedious affairs. There’s so little of interest in them, that we’ll pounce on just about anything that raises the vaguest of smiles.
However, we’re beaming at the brilliantly odd child who stars in this week’s Lidl catalogue. For reasons unclear, the photo shows a little girl chewing on a flower.
So whether they left this in because they thought it was funny or they just didn’t check, the whole thing is by-the-by, as everyone can enjoy the daft things children do, like sticking flowers in their mouths and eating them.
Well how about having your ashes put in a dildo, so that every time your partner wants to get freaky with themselves, there’s a chance they’ll cry uncontrollably? Or maybe you’d like you ashes in a sex toy, so that you’re always there as a reminder, to make your widow feel guilty when they feel ready to move on?
That could happen thanks to designer Mark Sturkenboom who has created a memory box that includes not only a dildo, but a necklace and an amplifier for playing music that will remind you of the person who has died. Oh, you also get a golden urn and a scent diffuser, too.
Talking about all this, Sturkenboom said: “After a passing, the missing of intimacy with that person is only one aspect of the pain and grief. This forms the base for 21 Grams. The urn offers the possibility to conserve 21 grams of ashes of the deceased and displays an immortal desire.”
“I sometimes help an elderly lady with her groceries and she has an urn standing near the window with the remains of her husband. She always speaks with so much love about him but the jar he was in didn’t reflect that at all.”
“In that same period I read an article about widows, taboos and sex and intimacy and then I thought to myself ‘can I combine these themes and make an object that is about love and missing and intimacy?’”
And so, he came up with 21 Grams, which is ‘the weight of the human soul’. In Sturkenboom’s words: “21 Grams is not only a way to tempt a person to revive an intimate night with her love again but also displays an accusation against the unavoidable passing of life.”
Obviously. Find out more here.
There’s nothing worse than finding out your favourite chippie is closed. Usually, they’ve shut up shop ‘due to a family bereavement’ or because they’re ‘renovating’.
However, one chippie closed for something quite different. This fella was going on holiday and he left a note to customers, which will have left them chuckling.
As you can see, he wrote: “This year my wife has decided to take us all youth hosteling, I told her at her age she would be better off with Saga. We are taking two of our children. 1 Daughter in law, plus 1 grandson. No internet, mobile phones, playstations etc.”
“Personally I think we will all be bored to tears. She who must be obeyed says we will have a great time telling tales round the campfire etc.”
He’s back in the shop now, and hopefully, stocked up on beer and gadgets.
While most consumers understand the concept of halal meat, and its importance to certain groups of consumers, few people would even consider the possibility that sweets could be non-halal. However, many jelly sweets contain gelatine products derived from animals, so supermarket giant Morrisons is trialling a halal pick and mix counter at 10 stores, offering gelatine-free sweets to Muslim customers.
The new sweets are being tested at stores in Blackburn, Bolton, Preston, Bradford, West Bromwich, Birmingham, Leamington Spa and at three stores in London. There will be 36 halal-friendly sweets, including liquorice sticks, cola bottles, jelly beans, gummy bears and sugared lips which will be guaranteed to be free of non-halal animal products or alcohol-based colourings and flavourings.
The move has been welcomed by Salim Mulla, chairman of the halal sub-committee at the Lancashire Council of Mosques who said “Sweets are very popular with the Muslim community,” he said. “I think the pick and mix will do really well.”
Abdul Hamid Qureshi, chairman of the Lancashire Council of Mosques, said he also welcomed the introduction of more halal foods in supermarkets, adding that “more and more supermarkets are introducing halal products to meet the needs of the customers, but this is the first halal pick and mix I have heard of. A lot of Muslim children buy sweets, but often have to look at the ingredients to see if they are halal. It’s good that they will be able to see they are halal at a glance.”
So is this a genius move by Morrisons, identifying a genuine gap in the market, or will this just isolate consumers who were already happy with their Morrisons pick and mix? Of course, the trials are likely to be in areas where there are greater numbers of Muslim consumers, so if they aren’t a hit there, it is unlikely that the scheme will be rolled out across the country. And what about consumers who would prefer non-halal products- where are they going to pig out on cola bottles now?
Dogs live their lives napping, constantly wanting to eat and generally looking confused at the most basic tasks, so it is rather surprising that someone has created some treats for dogs that will get them stoned.
‘Pot for pets’ isn’t a novelty product though – the people behind think that marijuana can be used as a mild pain relief for pooches. They’re thinking of old dogs with knackered hips, but you just know that young pups will be gagging to get at it, so they can play video games and eat Monster Munch all day while you’re at work.
One dog owner apparently said that her hound was all set to be put to sleep by the vet, but bought the special strain of weed and her dog got better: “Never in my wildest dreams would I have anticipated this. It brought my dog back.”
The side effect is that her dog now listens to festival reggae and wants to go to India to find itself.
There’s a few companies behind this idea and Julianna Carella, CEO of Treatibles who are one of them, is reticent to discuss the actual medical benefits of giving animals drugs.
She said: “Honestly, we’re hands off with that because we’re not doctors and it’s not our place to prescribe it in that way.”
If she’s not a doctor, then surely she’s a dealer? Either way, there’s a good chance that some baby boomer will be curious enough to buy this and find that their 15 year old human child has decided to eat the dog-weed to see what happens. We can only hope the outcome is funny and uploaded to YouTube.
When you’ve had a few, navigating your way around a toilet visit can be treacherous. You’ve invariably left it too late and rush to get your kecks undone and there’s other humans milling about pointlessly while you try to avoid soiling yourself. And then you’ve got splashback issues and other people farting.
It really can be nightmarish.
One bar decided that the whole situation wasn’t enough of a headmelt and decided to toy with patrons by creating a false door that would mess with nature’s call. A Reddit user went to relieve himself and found himself draining of colour, as well as excretions, thinking that he was in the ladies instead of the gents.
The reality was that the bar in question had put in a fake door that looked like the reverse of the ladies’ toilets, just to frazzle burping blokes into thinking that they’d dropped a massive clanger.
Redditor Jaydscustom said: “As I’m leaving the restroom panic sets in…then I realize I just pissed in a urinal and the bathroom door was solid wood when I came in. Oh you clever, clever door.”
An obscure European law has resurfaced to potentially bite people in the behind, after a European court has ruled that any moving vehicle, whether on public or private land, should be covered by motor insurance in case of an accident. This means that ride-on lawnmowers, mobility scooters and even golf buggies could need an insurance policy- even in your own garden.
This issue, which goes back as far as 1972, has reared its head again after Damijan Vnuk, a farm worker from Slovenia, brought a case to the European courts last year after falling from a ladder when it was hit by a tractor.
The court in Brussels decided that any moving vehicle, whether on public and private land, should have actual motor insurance, the normal proviso that vehicles not driven on the road are exempt ceasing to apply. The argument of the court was that tractors are “consistent with the normal function” of a motor vehicle, so normal insurance rules relating to cars and motorbikes therefore apply.
Under British law, currently only vehicles travelling on a “road or other public place” – with the exception of mobility scooters – are required to be insured, but the ruling would see this extended to any place, including farmyards and golf courses.
The Telegraph reports that the Department for Transport is currently in discussion with the industry body, the Association of British Insurers, to clarify which types of vehicles will need to be insured and at what level. Insurers have already reported a surge in calls from customers worried whether their golf caddies and lawnmowers need to be covered, and if so, whether third party cover is sufficient.
“Everybody is confused as to what the EU is up to,” said Mark Effenberg, of Blue Badge, a specialist insurer for mobility scooters. “We’re now waiting to see how the directive will be interpreted.”
But, although an irritation, and an unnecessary cost, the cost of insuring mobility scooters is not prohibitive, with mobility scooter policies costing around £90 for third party and breakdown, and a determined pensioners in search of this week’s cash could probably do some damage to an unsuspecting passer-by. While mobility scooters are currently regarded as exempt, official guidelines state that mobility scooter drivers are “strongly advised that people take out insurance” to cover accident or theft. While this is (currently) not considered a legal requirement, in some cases forcing the issue could, in some cases, be a good thing.
Celia Frodsham of Stephenson’s Solicitors said: “Uninsured people have, in the past, lost their homes after being sued for negligence because they have injured people with their scooters. Therefore insurance is recommended to avoid this.”