vmbeacon screen 142x300 Robot overlords start small with talking shop mannequinsIn scenes that are likely going to turn around and mark the end of humanity, three UK stores are set to trial mannequins embedded with beacon technology.

The three shops – House of Fraser’s Online Store, Hawes and Curtis in London’s Jermyn Street and Bentalls in Kingston upon Thames – will have showroom dummies embedded with relevant information about what they are wearing in the shop window, or anything else the store wants to flog in your direction.

You’re not going to suddenly think you’re having a breakdown with windows talking to you willy nilly, the scheme relies on customers downloading the app and opting in.

Obviously there’s the creeping feeling that innocently sourcing a new blouse and some info on your phone says “Yeah! We have that in a blue and you’d look marvy!”, that it’s another way of marketing using your life choices and eating your mind.

Basically, you can select what you fancy and then order it online, if you’re pushed for time to actually enter the shop.

Naturally there’s also a social media aspect, as customers are also encouraged to share their fashion looks and dressing room selfies with friends.

Co-founder of the VMBeacon, Jonathan Berlin, speaking words he may live to regret, said: “Research shows that customers already use their smartphones while shopping in store, but until now, the retail industry hasn’t realised the full potential of this,”

“The VMBeacon creates a completely new dimension to the shopping experience, by combining the consumer desire to be connected on the go, with the bricks and mortar store.”

It’s an inevitable idea, but surely by driving everything online, when the ‘bricks and mortar store’ does rely on a footfall of people actually going into them, seems a bit mad, but we’re sure they know what they’re doing!

Nice to know you can be mithered outside shops, as well as in them.

autons 300x224 Robot overlords start small with talking shop mannequins

Supermarket’s car wash destroys car

August 12th, 2014 12 Comments By Ian Wade

BMW 300x185 Supermarkets car wash destroys carA businessman is on the warpath with Morrisons after his car was destroyed by the supermarket’s car wash.

David Elliott was in the process of enjoying a £6.99 wash and wax of his new £75,000 BMW (a bit like this one pictured) at the Morrisons branch in Evesham, Worcestershire.

It was when the back window shattered, that he realised that this wasn’t part of the service.

Part of the car wash mechanism had got snagged the lower edge of the car’s boot. However the safety mechanism that usually kicks in to cut the machine off didn’t work, and the car wash rollers carried on.

When Mr Elliott drove his car out of the machine, he then noticed the full extent of the damage, which he has since been quoted £4,000 to have it fixed.

Now Mr Elliott claims that Morrisons are refusing to accept liability. A claim disputed by the supermarket, who say they have not yet finished their investigation into the incident.

“I called Morrisons customer services immediately telling them what had happened and within a week they had basically denied liability.”

“They didn’t even send somebody to look at my car. The car wash was broken by the incident. But they got an engineer in who presumably just pushed the reset button and said the car wash was fine.”

“Morrisons said to me they didn’t deny that the incident took place but because the car wash was fine beforehand and now the engineer said it’s working, it’s not their liability. They are completely washing their hands of it.”

There’s probably some gag about a company washing their hands of a car wash incident, but now’s not the time. However, next time he wants his car cleaning, he might have more joy if he goes for a good old fashioned hand-job.

Google cocks up with fruity map image

August 12th, 2014 No Comments By Ian Wade

Google has had a cock up

Skellow in Doncaster, home of… well, um, up until this weekend, not an awful lot except mining.

skellow1 500x300 Google cocks up with fruity map image

However if you were to have Googled Skellow over the weekend, you would have been greeted with a picture of naked man “reasonably excited” with nothing but a towel covering his manhood.

That’s what Twitter type David Firth found, and so screengrabbing it for lols, wrote: “Don’t think the people of Skellow, South Yorkshire would be happy with how Google pictures them.”

skellow twitter 500x315 Google cocks up with fruity map imageNaturally, the image didn’t stay up for long and there is no further explanation as to how it actually got there, other than it was sourced from an online blog called Housequake.

Perhaps there are similar pages in Google, like easter eggs or something, where small mining towns are illustrated by a excitable person in the nip. If you see more, do let us know.

Blind will be able to see by 2016

August 11th, 2014 No Comments By Ian Wade

oxford smart glasses 300x242 Blind will be able to see by 2016High-tech glasses that help the blind and partially sighted to actually see, could be in the actual shops in 2016.

Created by the University of Oxford, and in eventual conjunction with the Royal National Institute for Blind People (RNIB), the high-falutin’ glasses have a 3D camera that helps maximise a person’s vision, by separating and highlighting objects in their limited vision.

RNIB’s Solutions managing director Neil Heslop claimed to Sky News that trials with the glasses had proven to be a huge success with their guinea pigs.

There are approximately 360,000 registered blind and partially sighted people in the UK, of which it is said that 150,000 of them will benefit from the new specs.

Admittedly, right now they look quite clunky, what with that whole ‘having to cart a laptop around with them’ thing.

However after Google’s Impact Challenge threw them £500,000 after winning a competition, the team at Oxford can modify the glasses and headset into something more streamline.

More trials are happening as the team hone their design into a more practical shape, but the goal is for them to be available by 2016 around the £300 mark.

Hurrah for technology making a nice difference to lives, and hurrah for being able to see in general!

Here’s a butchers at the glasses in action

Want knickers that look soiled? Urine luck!

August 11th, 2014 2 Comments By Mof Gimmers

Urban Outfitters are selling some knickers for £5, reduced from £35, which is a good price right? However, these ‘Under Protection Tina Briefs in White and Lime’ have a major flaw.

They’ll make you look like you’ve pissed yourself.

5741447230006 034 b 333x500 Want knickers that look soiled? Urine luck!

The blurb on the site says: “Danish label Under Protection specialises in creating beautiful underwear from sustainable fabrics. These ultra-soft briefs are created from bamboo crepe fabric finished with a fresh dip dye.”

If you want to buy yourself or a loved-one some soiled-looking scads, then click here.

Courier leaves parcel on roof

August 11th, 2014 3 Comments By Mof Gimmers

It is annoying when you find the ‘sorry, you were out’ slip when you’re waiting for a parcel (especially when you were in at the time), but a chap called Benjamin Ward shared something on Twitter that was quite unique.

A courier tried to deliver a parcel to him, and finding that he wasn’t in, decided to lob his package on top of Ward’s house with a note that said “stuck on roof – sorry!”.

ad 142705401 333x500 Courier leaves parcel on roof

Courier service myHermes found out about this and tweeted him: “Please accept our sincere apologies. This is unacceptable and we’re on it.”

And indeed they were – they sent their courier back with some ladders and made him fetch it according to Ward’s Twitter account.

Ward saw the funny side of it though, saying: “It was super-awkward. It was more funny than anything else, so I don’t really want to make a big deal of it.”

UK man arrested for running proxy server

August 8th, 2014 3 Comments By Ian Wade

computer virus UK man arrested for running proxy server A British man has been arrested for running a proxy server.

The 20 year old was arrested for running the Immunicity proxy server, allowing access to 36 websites that had already been blocked off for being bad men, the U.K. Police Intellectual Property Crime Unit (PIPCU) said Thursday.

The arrest is part of the City of London Police unit’s ongoing drive to clamp down on websites providing access to illegal or infringing content.

The man, whose name is as yet unknown, was arrested in Nottingham and released on bail after helping detectives with their enquiries and handed over the names of the domain sites.

Those sites now have a police warning banner, like a virtual ‘POLICE DO NOT CROSS’ thing.

“We will come down hard on people believed to be committing or deliberately facilitating such offences,” detective chief inspector and head of PIPCU, Andy Fyfe, said in a statement.

Immunicity allowed users to configure their browsers to route requests via a proxy server to access blocked websites.

Sites that were unblocked by the service included the Pirate Bay, Kickass Torrents, h33t and several other torrent sites, according to a YouTube video foolishly promoting the service.

However, Jim Killock, executive director of the Open Rights Group (ORG), reckons that the arrested man is young and appears not to have been running the proxy service for profit. “One could wonder whether the police had to be involved at this point,” he said.

“I suspect he has done this because he feels annoyed at the Internet being censored, and this is kind of a personal protest rather than an attempt to simply encourage infringements,” Killock said.

Freedom fighter or dodgy sort? Who knows?

SexFit measures how good your man is in the sack

August 8th, 2014 2 Comments By Mof Gimmers

Dirty vendors Bondara have released a thing called SexFit, which just so happens to be a device that straps onto the base of a man’s wang and measures bedroom performance.

No pressure.

Basically, it’s a cock-ring and once you pop it on, it utilises an accelerometer and Bluetooth module which tracks your ins-and-outs. The data is then transferred to the accompanying app which you and your lover can romantically digest together and coo at the number of calories burned and how many thrusts per minute you’ve done.

sexfit 500x317 SexFit measures how good your man is in the sack

It gets better! You can turn sex into a competition with your pals online as SexFit allows users to compare the humping sessions with each other on social media!

Never mind what your partner wants! You’ll need to beat Steve from the office who is currently top of the leaderboard and clearly has an arse like a hummingbird’s wing!

The device also has a “revolutionary pacing mode that vibrates in time to a pre-set rhythm”. Bondara says: “Match the rhythm with your thrusts for the most effective stimulation. Notification lights on the top of the ring will also show what mode the SexFit is in, and illuminate in the centre when the rhythm is steady.”

Is this the most romantic thing that’s ever been made?

Man sues Sony for their LIES

August 8th, 2014 2 Comments By Ian Wade

killzone shadow fall Man sues Sony for their LIESSony are being sued by one unhappy man.

Californian Douglas Ladore is taking Sony to court as he reckons they falsely advertised the native resolution of the multiplayer mode in Killzone Shadow Fall as 1080p

Mr Ladore boo-hoos that Sony is guilty of, “negligent misrepresentation, false advertisement, unfair competition and fraud in the inducement” for various claims from the company that a ‘native’ 1080p resolution was present in the game’s multiplayer.

Going on to shade them with “Unfortunately, Sony’s marketing and on-box representations turned out to be nothing more than fiction.”

Sony have always said that Killzone Shadow Fall runs at native 1080 and 60fps in both its single and multiplayer modes. However the game actually uses a thing called ‘temporal reprojection’ to achieve this 1080p image from a lower resolution render.

This ‘temporal reprojection’ lark tracks the position of pixels and manages to predict where they’ll be to form a higher-resolution new frame.

Obviously Ladore is having none of it, claiming how this is more a “technological shortcut” rather than an actual native to the game as he claims advertised.

There’s getting upset about something and then there’s going through the process of thinking “yes, I’m going to sue this company for their LIES” and then doing so.

Some people eh? They need to go outside and have a minute.

Cock is a type of chicken

August 8th, 2014 6 Comments By Ian Wade

dirty bird 300x300 Cock is a type of chickenThings that look a bit like a penis news now, and customers of a chicken vendor have complained about its controversial new logo.

The design, for Dirty Bird, who ply their wares around festivals and dos around Wales, has been deemed phallic and ‘not the sort of thing that should be on display around children’.

Cleverly, the design combines both the ‘d’ and the ‘b’ of Dirty Bird, and helps form the base and main throbbing shaft of the cock itself.

Along with a head and comb placed at the tip, it is quite evident that the rooster represents a delicious range of chicken.

But the customers aren’t having it with clever design. Claiming that clever design is not the sort of thing they want to see or think about when tucking into their fried chicken, because the clever design looks quite a bit like a penis.

Now, Bitterwallet have seen a fair share of penises in our time (Speak for yourself – Ed) but none, if any, had a beak.

Dirty Bird owner Neil Young (not that one) has denied the company tried to make the logo phallic, saying: “We’ve never really thought about it like that. Our designer created a d and b for “dirty bird” then pushed them together to make a cockerel.”

They’ve also done some giant posters with stuff like “Touch My Thigh” and “Touch My Breast” on them, which again has alarmed some people with no sense of humour.

We particularly enjoyed the typesetting of the “Eat Cock” poster.

dirty bird 2 206x300 Cock is a type of chicken

Mark James, who designed the logo, said: “We were given the name Dirty Bird as the brief, and started working on ideas. We looked at the initials, DB. Then worked with the lowercase ‘db’ linking them to form the shape of a rooster. It’s graphic representation of a rooster incorporating the initials. It depends on how you look at it.”

“I’m not sure there have been any complaints. A few comments, but it’s in the eye of the beholder, as they say.”

Become the face of Vape!

August 7th, 2014 3 Comments By Ian Wade

mischa vape 300x200 Become the face of Vape!Are you the face of the Vape?

If so, Mischa Barton would like to meet you (probably, she’s just in the campaign overdoing it with the long gloves mainly, her intellectual input is largely negligible on this occasion).

Vapestick are launching a campaign to find a ‘Style Icon’, to find the new face of the vape in future advertising.

Entrants have to strike their best Vapestick pose to be in with a chance of winning.

As well as being the face of Vapestick, the winner will be treated to the ultimate VIP experience, with a stay in a top London hotel, a shopping spree and model treatment ahead of their once-in-a-lifetime Style Icon photoshoot.

The Style Icons Tour is taking place at various events around the UK, which you can find here

Yes, you too could look as dead-eyed and unalluring as Mischa in what is a rather embarrassing advertising campaign while puffing on what looks like a jumbo biro!

Aldi launch their own phone!

August 7th, 2014 No Comments By Ian Wade

Aldi continue their unstoppable rise and general throwing shade on the rest of the UK supermarket landscape, by launching its first own-brand smartphone.

The Android handset is now available at £79.99. Yes, just £79.99.

aldi phone 500x325 Aldi launch their own phone!

The SIM-free device has been manufactured by Medion, and features a 4-inch, 480 x 800, display, 1GHz dual-core processor, 4GB internal storage and a 2MP camera.

This follows the chain’s own tablet – the Medion Lifetab E7316 – also priced at £79.99, earlier this year.

Tesco did say they were going to get into this market, with an announcement due soon, but their thunder is seemingly increasingly being stolen by the upstarts.

Teenage lust driving instant messages

August 7th, 2014 No Comments By Ian Wade

whatsapp1 Teenage lust driving instant messages

An approximate 300 billion messages will be sent on mobile devices this year.

According to estimates by Deloitte, the amount of messages sent on the likes of WhatApp, iMessage, Facebook and all that is set to be double to around 300 billion to the relatively puny 160 billion of 2013.

Admittedly a lot of these messages are the kids flirting and smiling and throwing emoticons at each other. There’s no instant message version of War & Peace or anything.

According to the report, the rapid to-and-fro of instant messages often replicates phone conversations or face to face chats, but in written form. Obviously. Someone should update that spreadsheet to feature that groundbreaking finding.

Deloitte’s technology, media and telecoms research head Paul Lee said “Teenage romance is appropriating technology for its needs,”

“A constant among humans is courting and they use different tools to do it. It used to be hanging on the phone, now it’s instant messaging.”

The average human sends seven texts a day, whereas instant messaging types send around 46 a day.

There’s also, what Deloitte claim are ‘superusers’ flooding the messaging networks with almost spam-like drivel. The surge is being driven by what Deloitte claim is a quarter of mobile phone users (ie: the kids).

Well done our kids!

christmas tree 300x214 Selfridges open up a Christmas shop in the middle of a heatwave‘It’s nearly Christmas!’ you almost certainly haven’t thought as you find yourself in the middle of a load of sunny weather and the kids having their school holidays.

However, that hasn’t stopped Selfridges opening their Christmas store, serving as a timely reminder that you better hurry up and buy your loved ones a festive gift, what with over 140 days to go until Christmas.

Selfridges’ London shop has in advance of 700 sq ft of Christmas happening on their fourth floor, which will see snow and scarves greeting shoppers who are wearing shorts or speedos or something.

Geraldine James, Selfridges Ms Christmas, said: “Despite the summer weather, we’re in full festive mode here at Selfridges. We’ve been working on this year’s Christmas Shop since Christmas last year.”

They’re not the only ones. In the Trafford Centre, Clintons have also started rolling out their Christmas junk as well.

The Mail asked a bunch of people what they thought about it all. One shopper said: “I normally buy my cards two weeks before so to see them on sale now is quite laughable.”

“It’s too far ahead, we haven’t even got summer out of the way. I actually came out into town to buy a barbecue and popped into this shop for a birthday card. I couldn’t believe it when I saw these Christmas cards – no doubt the Christmas trees will be out on sale soon.”

Of course, there’s always the option of completely ignoring all the Christmas stuff, but there’s nothing quite as British as moaning about Christmas coming too soon.

All hail the superboomers!

August 4th, 2014 1 Comment By Ian Wade

breastfeeding 300x226 All hail the superboomers!The Superboomers are here and they’re buggering everything up cliche-wise

According to a new report by Huawei, the over-50s are embracing a second stab at being youthful, and changing what it means to be aged.

This section of society are weathly, healthy and driving the economy with over 1.7 million entrepreneurs over 50 and one in five of them registered as self-employed.

They’re also one of the wealthiest generations, generating 89% of disposable wealth.

A spokesperson, pushed forward to come up with thinky reasons, said: “Superboomers are embracing the fact that they will be living for longer and are having a second go at being youthful. No longer does their age define them: their hobbies, interests and passions move them.”

“Boomers represent a quarter of the population in the UK and are spearheading the longevity revolution. As the retirement age rises and life expectancy grows, news of changes in the state pension age is contributing to a wider shift in the Boomer generation’s attitudes towards their older years.”

“A second life awaits them and they have the financial security, health and vigour to make the most of it.”

The report also says the women over 50 in the UK account for 41% (£2.7 billion) of the annual spending on clothing, shoes and the like, while another report claimed that gym visits peak at the age of 66.

There are around 2.9 million people aged between 50 and state pension age out of work and the Department for Work and Pensions estimates in the next 10 years there will be 3.7 million more, with 700,000 fewer people aged 16 to 49 in the UK labour market.

Well done you, the older people!