iPhone cooks man’s leg after exploding

March 3rd, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

We haven’t had a tale of a mobile phone exploding for a while, but this latest one is a corker, thanks to the man in question being so descriptive of his injuries.

The iPhone that (allegedly) blew-up in a man’s pocket was hot searingly hot that he claimed that people around him said that they could ‘smell his body burning’.

Erik Johnson was at a party when he heard a pop in his pocket, then some fizzing and smoke, before his leg started to burn. The heat was so extreme that it melted his trouser pocket closed.

“I was literally jumping up and down trying to get the phone out of my pocket, but I think the phone melted my pockets shut so I couldn’t get into it and I had to rip my pants off and throw the pants to the side,” he told ABC.

“A couple of people actually said they could smell my body burning,”

Erik was forced to go to hospital and spend 10 days there after suffering third degree burns. Of course, this isn’t the first time time iPhones have been said to explode, with one teenager saying his went off like a rocket, and another student with a molten mobile. We’d like to see this becoming fashionable again.

Cheese and biscuits, but not as you know it

March 2nd, 2015 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

You’ve had a nice meal and you order some nice cheese and biscuits to finish things off with. You’re in the mood for something else, but you don’t want a sweet pudding.

You know how it is.

Well, Diane Murray did exactly that, but her order wasn’t at all what she was expecting. She got cheese. She got biscuits. The problem, however, was the type of biscuit.

B A0cq4W0AA1YOt 500x332 Cheese and biscuits, but not as you know it

That’s right! Instead of a nice savoury biscuit and some crackers, Diane ended up with some bourbons and custard creams with her cheeses. And whatever those knock-off Jammy Dodgers with cream in the middle of them are called.

Mercifully, she thought it was funny and said that she’d reveal the place that served up this unusual treat in return for a Comic Relief donation, which is nice.

She tweeted: “@stephkerr: Cheese and biscuits – if anyone pledges to comic relief I’ll tell them which hotel they can get this in”, with the above photo attached.

We’d go for a custard cream with some brie on it. You know it makes sense.

Create energy by jacking off!

February 27th, 2015 3 Comments By Mof Gimmers

Do you… erm… like to feel pleased a lot of the time? Do you spend your downtime by… umm… beating up the wookie? Well, if that sounds like you, there’s a gadget that could help you save the planet while you throw yourself into an onanistic fever.

Those scamps at PornHub have made a video about some wearable technology called the ‘Wankband’, which basically sits on your wrist and, with the movement of your wrist, creates energy.

With this thing, you can ‘love the planet, by loving yourself’.

You work, create the energy and then plug your phone, tablet or whatever, into the wrist band and, hey presto, you’re charging your device with the power of love.

Of course, the product is unisex and apparently, you can sign-up as a beta tester for the thing, which you sign-up for over at the smut vendor’s site. Might be best to not access that if you’re at work, unless you have a great game face and are able to tell your superiors that, yes, you’re accessing a dirty site at work, but you’re doing it to help reduce their electricity bills.

The power is in your hands.

To stop this bus, shout “Ding Ding”

February 25th, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

Travelling on a bus can be a miserable affair at the best of times and, as we know, there’s too many buses that are in a bit of a state when you get on them.

One bus in Yorkshire had a problem with the buttons that you press, which ring the bell to signal to the bus driver that you want to get off at the next stop. Well, Barnsley folk won’t let a little thing like that get in the way of anything. Forget getting maintenance teams out and all that faff – just write a note like this.

Problem solved.

B7QYuugIAAAFPjE 500x375 To stop this bus, shout Ding Ding

As you can see, the sign says “Bells not working. If you want bus to stop, shout ‘Ding Ding’.” It is impossible to read that without doing it in a Yorkshire accent.

Of course, this sign is bad news for those who too shy to shout or, indeed, can’t read. Either way, we like this system of fixing menial problems. More of it please!

[via Twitter]

No nectar cards for Fannys

February 24th, 2015 3 Comments By Thewlis

It must be difficult enough to have to go around in life being called Fanny, without having to cry over all the Nectar points you aren’t collecting because Sainsburys won’t give you a card. It’s like kicking a girl when she’s down.

That is exactly what happened to 19 year old Fanny Carlsson, whose name was deemed such a joke that it wasn’t even rejected on quality control- the computer would not accept her first name was, in fact, her first name. Even though it is.

fanny No nectar cards for FannysFanny, originally from Sweden, helpfully screenshotted her attempt to use her ‘invalid’ first name, but may have had to explain to her fellow countrymen (and women) what Fanny means, both in the UK (front bottom of a lady) and in the US (bottom bottom), and why, to save schoolboy sniggers, she often uses her middle name whilst here in the UK.

Ms Carlsson did eventually have to resort to her middle name in order to be able to rack up her points, but Sainsbury’s and Nectar have had their boob pointed out to them. Nectar said, in a statement: “Like many companies we block a number of words on the Nectar website. We are sorry for the inconvenience caused to this particular customer and are reviewing this going forward.”

Next week, find out what happened when Randy,  Dick and Willy applied for a Clubcard…

London opens Owl Bar

February 24th, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

owl London opens Owl BarAs adults slide increasingly toward being dribbling babies, what with cereal cafes, adult ball pools and and places where you pay for a brew with cuddles, now, London is to get an Owl Bar.

We’re just waiting for someone to open up a restaurant where you can go in your pyjamas and actually breastfeed while soiling yourself.

That’s getting ahead of ourselves though, so back to owls. In Soho, you’ll be able to drink cocktails while sitting in a bar that has some owls in it. You can sip your drink while a bird of prey vomits up a sack full of mouse bones. How lovely.

This one in London is going to be open from 8pm to 2am, because owls like to sleep in the day and, if you’re wanting to gawp at this place, it is called ‘Annie The Owl’, and named after a bird of the same name. Annie will be joined by six other owls as well, who will no doubt enjoy time spent around drunk humans trying to put cigarillos in their beaks.

The tickets, which are being issued by ballot, cost £20 and include two cocktails and you can find out more about it here. Profits from the tickets go toward the The Barn Owl Centre charity, which is kinda nice. The owls probably need some counselling after being thrown into such a hipster hell when all they want to do is eat the face off a small mammal and be left in peace.

brain jar Want to go online? Activate the chip implanted in your brain!Are you tired of having to hold things in your hands and poke at devices with your beautiful, delicate fingers? Want to get online without all the hassle of moving your arms, but don’t fancy the idea of Google Glass (then again, no-one does)?

Well, you’re in luck! That’s because a research division of the U.S. military is working on a chip (roughly the size of 10p piece) which is put in your brain and works like a computer from there. If you want to access some dirty films online, you’d simply have to think about it.

That could be a problem if you spend all day thinking about dirty films and you’re in a meeting with human resources and all you can see is a load of sweaty limbs and bodily fluids. It all sounds like a science fiction film doesn’t it? And they never run smoothly.

This idea has been hatched up by the brilliant people at the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) who basically get paid to come up with crazy ideas and then try and execute them. That said, some of the things they’re partly responsible for are a predecessor to the internet, so they’re not daft.

“The short term goal of the project is the development of a device about the size of two stacked nickels with a cost of goods on the order of $10 which would enable a simple visual display via a direct interface to the visual cortex with the visual fidelity of something like an early LED digital clock,” report Humanity+.

“The implications of this project are astounding.”

Thus far, the research has tried it out on a bunch of fish, so it is too early to say how this is going. Besides, to fish even use the internet? Would they even know where to find dirty films with the use of their brains? Either way, when Samsung start installing bloatware into your mind, don’t say we didn’t warn you.

Krispy Kreme in KKK balls-up

February 18th, 2015 5 Comments By Mof Gimmers

kkk 300x300 Krispy Kreme in KKK balls upThe KKK are not a nice bunch and have done a whole host of appalling things in their time and everyone – ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE – knows this. They’re really famously an awful, awful crowd.

Apart from, it seems, if you work for the Krispy Kreme in Hull, where some bright spark created an event called ‘KKK Wednesday’ as part of their calendar of activities. KKK Wednesdays, of course, were designed to keep Hull’s children entertained during the half-term.

So, while the children of the North can enjoy colouring-in on Colouring Tuesday, on a Wednesday, there’s a delightful course in white supremacy and lynching for little Jemima and Frankie. You can imagine the kids might be taught which wood is best to use for a burning cross and which methods are best for tying nooses while your hands are cold.

Krispy Kreme shared their image on Facebook to let everyone know about the events going on, which means that a whole team of people missed the glaring ‘KKK’ they were accidentally promoting. Social media, naturally, were quick to spot it and point out the error.

Have a look at it. There it is. ‘KKK Wednesday’.

Krispy Kreme 500x500 Krispy Kreme in KKK balls up

A Krispy Kreme spokesperson told the Mirror that the company apologises “unreservedly for the inappropriate name of a customer promotion at one of our stores”.

“All material has been withdrawn and an internal investigation is currently underway.”

Cash machine gives out double, to the delight of all!

February 13th, 2015 2 Comments By Mof Gimmers

reg varney cash machine 300x300 Cash machine gives out double, to the delight of all!The good people of Stanground were having a lovely time this week while they were doing some shopping, as they collectively discovered that a cash machine was giving out  double the amount tapped-in.

Those shopping at Morrisons found the holy grail of a machine that spits out more than you’ve asked for, meaning that there’s going to be some boozing done this weekend. The community-thinking people of Stanground soon passed the word around and soon enough, everyone was rinsing the glitchy machine.

Strong work.

According to Peterborough Today, two fellas went home and got every card they had so they could double their money. Thanks to this, the machine was mobbed. It was probably glowing bright red by the time it had been emptied.

A spokeswoman for Morrisons said: “We were quickly notified that a fault had occurred with the Link cash machine outside of our store. Our colleagues attended, switched the faulty ATM off and notified the bank. The Link bank is coming to repair the machine today.”

So if you know anyone in Stanground, now’s the perfect time to ask to borrow a tenner.

[Spotters badge goes to avid BW fan, Joffff]

Want to hide dirty films on YouTube? Do it in Irish!

February 12th, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

porn Want to hide dirty films on YouTube? Do it in Irish!YouTube are pretty good at removing inappropriate material from their website, thanks to a number of algorithms that flag material for them. However, on the video-site, it seems there’s been a load of dirty films uploaded to it, missed because they were tagged in Irish.

The mucky films hung around on YouTube for four whole months, contravening all manner of policies that say the site can’t host sexually explicit imagery.

So what happened? Well, a man was looking for some non-bongo films to watch and, being Irish, he looked for the Gaelic word for ‘film’, which is ‘scannán’. What he found was a load of X-rated films. So, he did what anyone would do – he rose to his feet, took a deep breath, rubbed his hands together and shouted for his roommate who happens to be Irish language journalist Maitiú Ó Coimín.

The writer looked into it a little more – for investigative purposed of course and told the Irish Independent: “I looked a bit further into it, and there were about 15 to 20 films of a questionable nature. These were real pornographic films.”

YouTube had no idea about the films, clearly, but were quick to sort it out, removing the films found. YouTube issued a quick statement, saying: “YouTube’s community guidelines clearly state that sexually explicit content is not allowed on our site. We remove videos and channels that violate our policies when flagged for our attention. YouTube staff review flagged videos 24 hours a day, seven days a week, to determine whether they violate our community guidelines.”

However, BW decided to search for ‘scannán’ on YouTube and, in among the trailers for films and all that, lo and behold, there’s some dirty movies for your viewing pleasure.

So, if you want to get stuff hosted on YouTube that is in violation of their rules, seems the best thing to do is pick a language that isn’t widely spoken. We look forward to searching for the Welsh or Basque words for ‘film’ (‘ffilmiau’ and ‘filmak’ respectively).

cafe tea coffee London gets a cuddle café where hugs equal moneyFirst, we had the cat cafés and then the cereal café, and now, there’s going to be one where you can pay for your brew with hugs. You heard. You’ll have to hug a complete stranger and turn yourself into an affection prostitute in exchange for a drink.

This is a PR stunt by McVitie’s who, with their meme-ready adverts of animals protruding from biscuit packets, are fully behind the infantilisation of adults, which seem to be all slowly turning into dribbling goons all set to lose their lives to tweeness and gaagaaing at fluffy things.

There’s going to be pop-up cuddle cafés in central London for two days, where they’ll dole out biscuits (invariably referred to as ‘biccies’) and brews in exchange for an embrace.

Just to add to the cloying sense of adult toddlerdom, there’s going to be some owls involved too.

This stunt is all part of an idea of Dr Stuart Farrimond, who is a hug researcher and he reckons that British folk are unhappy with the amount of cuddling in their lives, which he says are vital to our happiness and health. Apparently, hugs help to release oxytocin which reduces stress and increases happiness. That’s right – a grown adult telling us that hugs from a loved-one make us happy. He must work for the Metropolitan University Of Stating The Bleeding Obvious.

Dr Farrimond said: “My research not only discovered that cuddling a soft toy triggers a similar emotional response and health benefit to hugging a person, but also that the act of drinking a hot beverage can stimulate similar warm, positive feelings, so what better combination that a cuppa and a cuddle?”

Sarah Heynen, McVitie’s Marketing Director, said: “People are so busy these days, and lead such stressful lives, that we want to offer all of our visitors their very own form of ‘cuddle therapy’ coupled with a cup of tea, cakes, biscuits – and all for the price of a hug.”

The gaspingly awful McVitie’s Sweeet Cuddle Café will be popping up at 52 Tottenham Street, London on 10th and 11th February. Although, you could just buy a packet of biscuits for 70p down the shops and make a brew at home while sat in a silent, darkened room, thinking ‘we’ve gone to the dogs’ if you like.

As an aside, the McVitie’s adverts with animals trapped in biscuit packets always makes us think that they’ll end up emerging from them dead, which is anti-cute.

biscuits 500x349 London gets a cuddle café where hugs equal money

The onion that doesn’t make you weep

February 10th, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

onion main Full 300x199 The onion that doesnt make you weepFirst, the shops started selling double yolker eggs, now you can buy an onion that doesn’t make you cry.

Of course, there’s going to be people acting hard, saying that onions don’t make them cry because nuffin makes me bawl mayte, but for the rest of us and our leaking sockets, this is truly the living end.

This weekend, just in-time for St Valentine’s Day for all you onion-based romantics, Asda will be selling onions that you can cut without looking like someone’s just pulled your pants down and dumped you at the school prom.

This witchcraft has been developed in Bedfordshire by someone called Alastair Findlay, who has given himself to the betterment of humankind, spent 20 years scarfing down around 500 onions in a bid to breed the tearless veg. He’s decided to call the variety, ‘Asda Sweet Red’.

Apparently, they’re quite sweet and Asda reckon that they’re delicious raw, which implies that they might be lousy if you stick them in a pan and start frying them. Either way, like Ribena Toothkind, we’ve now got Eyekind Onions.

What a world we live in. What appalling breath Alastair Findlay must have.

B&Q memo warns of 50 Shades rush

February 10th, 2015 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

sex with glass B&Q memo warns of 50 Shades rushThe film of Fifty Shades of Grey isn’t too far away and a lot of people have a problem with it. Some don’t like the way the sex is portrayed, while others just don’t like the way the thing is written. That said, the book still sold in huge numbers and the film looks like it’ll be a hit at the box office.

Cinema staff aren’t the only ones bracing themselves for a sexual onslaught as a leaked memo from B&Q shows that they’re also expecting a lot of new customers.

The memo told staff to get ready for a surge in customers looking to buy rope, cable ties and masking tape thanks to the release of the film. It is worth pointing out that there’s ‘specialist shops’ that can get you these things where it won’t wreck your skin and they’ll deliver an internet order to save you from the queue at the till winking at you.

Anyway, the memo which was sent all B&Q staff is called: ‘Staff Briefing – Preparation for Fifty Shades of Grey Customer Queries’ which refers to a scene in the book where Christian Grey goes to a hardware shop to buy rope, tape and cable ties to scratch the itch of “Mr Grey’s unconventional sexual pursuits.”

Not only that, the memo says that staff should familiarise themselves with E.L. James’ book and that a load were being delivered to each store should the staff want to borrow it for a week so they can “assist customers in a polite, helpful and respectful manner.” Seems weird that – the company you work for lending you sex books.

Or not, of course – the whole thing could well be a PR stunt. Either way, the memo in full, says this:

Staff briefing - Preparation for Fifty Shades of Grey customer queries

Following the film release of Fifty Shades of Grey, B&Q employees may encounter increased customer product queries relating to rope, cable ties and masking or duck tape. Store Managers should anticipate the need for extra stock and store staff should read the following brief to prepare them to handle potentially sensitive customer questions.

What is happening?

On Saturday 14th February 2015 popular erotic novel Fifty Shades of Grey will be released as a film and is expected to do well in the Box Office. Written by E.L. James, the story follows the relationship between a college graduate, Anastasia Steele, and a young, successful business man, Christian Grey, who introduces her to the world of bondage and dominant/submissive sexual role play.

Preview footage depicts a notable scene from the book where Christian Grey visits a hardware store to purchase rope, cable ties and tape. Rather than bought for home improvement purposes, these products are intended to fulfil Mr Grey’s unconventional sexual pursuits.

Why does it affect us?

As the UK’s leading DIY store, we stock many of the products featured in this notable scene and then used later in the film. When the book was released in 2012 DIY and hardware stores in the UK and US reported increased demand of certain products and queries from customers as they tried to recreate their own ‘Fifty Shades’ experiences. We need to be prepared for the same effect when the film is released this month.

B&Q’s policy

It is always B&Q’s policy that products should only be used for their designed purposes. Nevertheless, all staff should read this briefing notice to prepare for potentially sensitive customer enquiries and managers need to be aware of the implications that the film may have on stock levels.

Staff briefing

All staff are encouraged to familiarise themselves with the content of Fifty Shades of Grey by reading the novel or watching the film upon its release. Copies of the book will be delivered to each store and can be lent to staff on a one week basis. Understanding the storyline and how some products that B&Q stock feature in the film will better prepare staff for incoming queries.

Queries may be unusual and sensitive in nature but staff are reminded of B&Q’s commitment to assist customers in a polite, helpful and respectful manner. A level of discretion is also advised.

Store managers are requested to monitor stock levels of rope, cable ties, masking tape and duck tape to ensure that supplies do not run low. Fifty Shades of Grey is released in cinemas on Saturday 14th February 2015 and the busiest sales periods for these products are expected to run from Sunday 15th February to Sunday 1st March 2015 with a focus on weekend trading.

The date for the DVD and home entertainment release of Fifty Shades of Grey is yet to be confirmed but a second briefing may be issued closer to that time.

Staff are asked to keep the contents of this briefing within the company.

If you have any questions or concerns relating to the contents of this briefing please speak to your regional manager.

M&S: Now with guaranteed double yolker eggs

February 9th, 2015 5 Comments By Mof Gimmers

egg double yolk 300x300 M&S: Now with guaranteed double yolker eggsEgg fans! What is it you like about double-yolk eggs? Do you like the randomness of it, getting a bonus yolk at sporadic points in your life like an eggy lottery? Or you do like the increased yolk-to-white ratio and to hell with the randomness?

Well, Marks & Spencer are now selling cartons that guarantee you double-yolk eggs. Has the fun been taken out of the process or are you thinking “I DON’T CARE! HURRY UP AND MAKE 100% YOLK EGGS ALREADY!”?

Even though, statistically, the probability of finding a double yolker is 1-in-a-1,000, M&S have hit on something to ensure you get two (or more) yolks per egg. Imagine. A triple yolker. That’d be great.

The suppliers for M&S are utilising a method called ‘candling’, which basically means that someone picks an egg up and looks at it with a light behind it and weighs up the shadow, to see if there’s more than one yolk.

M&S product developer Ali Rodham said: “We’re really excited to be selling double yolkers. We think they’re cracking, and we’re sure our customers will too.”

“Perfect for people who think the yolk is the best bit of the egg, double yolkers are not only delicious, but they are healthy too.”

So there you have it. More yolk in your gob. If you want in on this, get yourself to a Marks and Spencer shop and look for the British Free Range Double Yolkers which will be on the shelves for £2.75 for a box of six.

We’re hoping someone starts selling eggs that have more eggs inside them next, like this monster.

tesco fruit ID 300x187 Tesco restricting the sale of fruit to under 18s?

Photo: John Allen / SWNS.com

Back in the good old days, ID wasn’t A Thing and you could buy alcohol in clubs and pubs no matter what age you were, provided you were wearing enough make up. Now, of course, the situation is entirely different (never mind kids) and, among women of a certain age, it’s actually a sought-after feather in your cap to be asked for ID when clearly way wrinklier than even a ‘challenge’ 25 year old should be.

Take the case of Plymouth resident Kate Lancaster, 37, who was recently ID’d in her local Tesco store. However, she was not buying gin, or beer, or even liqueur chocolates when she got ID’d. No. she was buying a £1 pot of melon and grapes.

Miss Lancaster was using the self-service tills which flagged the item as needing approval and a staff member had to come and clear the item to allow Miss Lancaster’s purchase. However, intrigued by what could possibly be the problem with a small pot of fruit, when she got home she sent an email to Tesco asking why it needed clearance.

Tesco sent an email reply, which said: “Don’t quote me on this, but I have heard a rumour that all fruit will be age verified ongoing in case natural fermentation takes place.”

Miss Lancaster said the idea was “crazy” and goes against policies to encourage children to eat more fruit and veg.

She said:”They would be doing the exact opposite to what is recommended, they promote healthy eating in kids. Me and my friend chatted about it at work and I really wanted to get a response on it because it’s crazy.”

However, it wasn’t until Miss Lancaster posted on Tesco’s Facebook page on Monday asking them to clarify the policy that she was eventually told it had all been a big mistake.

A Tesco spokesman said: “Our customer service colleague’s comment about natural fermentation was meant as a joke – we’re sorry if it was taken literally. Of course we have no plans to age restrict fruit sales.”

As a gesture of entirely non-ironic goodwill Tesco are now sending a gift to Miss Lancaster. She’s getting a fruit basket.