Behold! Guinness sauce!

May 13th, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

guinness 200x300 Behold! Guinness sauce!If you’ve enjoyed a pint of the black stuff and wished you could indulge in your fondness for stout 24 hours of the day, well you’re in luck. That’s because Guinness is launching a new table sauce.

Guinness hope that their sauce will rival the favourites of ketchup and brown sauce in your kitchen, and it has been developed for the past 2 years. Apparently, what we have is a ‘premium table sauce’ which replicates the flavour of the famous drink and is best suited when squirted on meat.

It has been described as a “beautifully balanced, rich, dark sauce” and in each bottle, you’ll get ‘seven per cent Guinness’, sourced straight from the brewery in Dublin.

You know, obviously, that there’s been edible forms of Guinness before. HP sauce flavoured one of their sauces with Guinness a while back. There was also a Bull’s-Eye Guinness BBQ sauce too and some people make gravy with Guinness in it.

Anyway, you’ll be able to try it from May, when it goes on sale in Tesco for for £1.49.

KitKats renamed YouTube Breaks

May 13th, 2015 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

Nestlé are rebranding KitKats, presumably just to annoy everyone, under the name ‘YouTube Break’. Are we all to assume that every time you try and eat one, you have to sit through some dreary advert first, which you can’t skip for 5 seconds?

Anyway, mercifully this will only be a limited run of 600,000 bars in the UK. Why anyone would want to buy a chocolate bar that says YouTube on it is another matter. Would you want some crisps that say AVG AntiVirus on them?

kit kat youtube KitKats renamed YouTube Breaks

Nestlé will be doing a load of tie-ins with Google, with this being the first of a series of 100 million differently-branded biscuits.

With this particular campaign, you’ll find that YouTube will be launching new playlists designed for KitKat eaters, so they can ‘enjoy their break’ more. That basically means eating a snack with a slightly different name and watching some playlists that are under the KitKat brand. It is magnificently pointless, seeing as you could just buy an ordinary KitKat and piss about online and have exactly the same experience.

Nestlé will also be stamping KitKats with irritating hashtags like #metimebreak and #sportybreak. We hope some pays for this marketing campaign with their life.

You’ll know that retailers have to impose all manner of rules on customers that are buying booze. They advise you drink responsibly and ask you not to drink them on the premises and all that jazz.

However, at WH Smith, they have drinking rules that are, to say the least, conceptual.

WH Smith Weirdness WH Smiths bizarre concept on drinking their booze

As you can see from the sign, they say: “Alcohol purchased in WH Smith cannot be consumed anywhere inside or outside these premises.” It seems like, should you want to crack open a tin of bitter, you might have to open up an extra dimension that is neither inside or outside the shop, or something.

Of course, this isn’t the most bizarre concept WH Smith has come up with – have you ever seen how they price things in train stations? Some of the basics are so expensive that it’ll make you feel like you’ve had a brain injury.

[nicked off Twitter]

Hail the penis potholes!

April 28th, 2015 4 Comments By Mof Gimmers

Manchester’s roads are filled with potholes. That’s not unlike most other places in the UK, but in Manchester, something is a little different. Someone is drawing wangs around them.

That’s right! Thanks to an artist called Wanksy, they’re going around drawing penises around potholes. You might think this is all puerile, but after the holes were ignored for ages by Manchester City Council, within 48 hours of Wanksy’s efforts, many of them had been fixed up.

wanksy 500x373 Hail the penis potholes!

“I wanted to attract attention to the pothole and make it memorable,” Wanksy told MEN. “Nothing seemed to do this better than a giant comedy phallus.”

A Bury council spokesman moaned: “Every penny that we have to spend cleaning off this graffiti is a penny less that we have to spend on actually repairing the potholes!”

The council member is a massive idiot though, because Wanksy drew the appendages on in industrial chalk, which means they’ll fade after a couple of weeks without any cleaning required.

wanksy1 500x281 Hail the penis potholes!

On the Wanksy Facebook page, the artist is getting a fair amount of fan mail. Someone from That America wrote: “We need you in Madison, Wisconsin aka pothole hell!”

On the page, you can see many, many nobs drawn around unsightly holes. Won’t make much difference to most of your viewing habits, will it?

Child eats flower in Lidl catalogue

April 27th, 2015 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

Catalogues for supermarkets and the like, are always thoroughly tedious affairs. There’s so little of interest in them, that we’ll pounce on just about anything that raises the vaguest of smiles.

However, we’re beaming at the brilliantly odd child who stars in this week’s Lidl catalogue. For reasons unclear, the photo shows a little girl chewing on a flower.

lidl flower child 500x375 Child eats flower in Lidl catalogue

Of course, Lidl’s marketing department have been on fire lately, trolling Morrisons and openly mocking Sainsbury’s. The supermarket was also responsible for one of the funnier April Fool jokes too.

So whether they left this in because they thought it was funny or they just didn’t check, the whole thing is by-the-by, as everyone can enjoy the daft things children do, like sticking flowers in their mouths and eating them.

Hail, the dildo with a loved-one’s ashes

April 27th, 2015 2 Comments By Mof Gimmers

sex with glass Hail, the dildo with a loved ones ashesMost of us have thought about a fun memorial that we could choose when he shrug off this mortal coil of ours. Usually, it translates into something funny or sarcastic written on a tombstone.

Well how about having your ashes put in a dildo, so that every time your partner wants to get freaky with themselves, there’s a chance they’ll cry uncontrollably? Or maybe you’d like you ashes in a sex toy, so that you’re always there as a reminder, to make your widow feel guilty when they feel ready to move on?

That could happen thanks to designer Mark Sturkenboom who has created a memory box that includes not only a dildo, but a necklace and an amplifier for playing music that will remind you of the person who has died. Oh, you also get a golden urn and a scent diffuser, too.

Talking about all this, Sturkenboom said: “After a passing, the missing of intimacy with that person is only one aspect of the pain and grief. This forms the base for 21 Grams. The urn offers the possibility to conserve 21 grams of ashes of the deceased and displays an immortal desire.”

“I sometimes help an elderly lady with her groceries and she has an urn standing near the window with the remains of her husband. She always speaks with so much love about him but the jar he was in didn’t reflect that at all.”

“In that same period I read an article about widows, taboos and sex and intimacy and then I thought to myself ‘can I combine these themes and make an object that is about love and missing and intimacy?’”

And so, he came up with 21 Grams, which is ‘the weight of the human soul’. In Sturkenboom’s words: “21 Grams is not only a way to tempt a person to revive an intimate night with her love again but also displays an accusation against the unavoidable passing of life.”

Obviously. Find out more here.

Chip shop message cracks up customers

April 17th, 2015 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

There’s nothing worse than finding out your favourite chippie is closed. Usually, they’ve shut up shop ‘due to a family bereavement’ or because they’re ‘renovating’.

However, one chippie closed for something quite different. This fella was going on holiday and he left a note to customers, which will have left them chuckling.

chippie Chip shop message cracks up customers

As you can see, he wrote: “This year my wife has decided to take us all youth hosteling, I told her at her age she would be better off with Saga. We are taking two of our children. 1 Daughter in law, plus 1 grandson. No internet, mobile phones, playstations etc.”

“Personally I think we will all be bored to tears. She who must be obeyed says we will have a great time telling tales round the campfire etc.”

He’s back in the shop now, and hopefully, stocked up on beer and gadgets.

sweets 300x225 Morrisons to start selling halal pick n mixWhile most consumers understand the concept of halal meat, and its importance to certain groups of consumers, few people would even consider the possibility that sweets could be non-halal. However, many jelly sweets contain gelatine products derived from animals, so supermarket giant Morrisons is trialling a halal pick and mix counter at 10 stores, offering gelatine-free sweets to Muslim customers.

The new sweets are being tested at stores in Blackburn, Bolton, Preston, Bradford, West Bromwich, Birmingham, Leamington Spa and at three stores in London. There will be 36 halal-friendly sweets, including liquorice sticks, cola bottles, jelly beans, gummy bears and sugared lips which will be guaranteed to be free of non-halal animal products or alcohol-based colourings and flavourings.

The move has been welcomed by Salim Mulla, chairman of the halal sub-committee at the Lancashire Council of Mosques who said “Sweets are very popular with the Muslim community,” he said. “I think the pick and mix will do really well.”

Abdul Hamid Qureshi, chairman of the Lancashire Council of Mosques, said he also welcomed the introduction of more halal foods in supermarkets, adding that “more and more supermarkets are introducing halal products to meet the needs of the customers, but this is the first halal pick and mix I have heard of. A lot of Muslim children buy sweets, but often have to look at the ingredients to see if they are halal. It’s good that they will be able to see they are halal at a glance.”

So is this a genius move by Morrisons, identifying a genuine gap in the market, or will this just isolate consumers who were already happy with their Morrisons pick and mix? Of course, the trials are likely to be in areas where there are greater numbers of Muslim consumers, so if they aren’t a hit there, it is unlikely that the scheme will be rolled out across the country. And what about consumers who would prefer non-halal products- where are they going to pig out on cola bottles now?

Want to get your dog stoned?

April 15th, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

spit the dog Want to get your dog stoned?Dogs live their lives napping, constantly wanting to eat and generally looking confused at the most basic tasks, so it is rather surprising that someone has created some treats for dogs that will get them stoned.

‘Pot for pets’ isn’t a novelty product though – the people behind think that marijuana can be used as a mild pain relief for pooches. They’re thinking of old dogs with knackered hips, but you just know that young pups will be gagging to get at it, so they can play video games and eat Monster Munch all day while you’re at work.

One dog owner apparently said that her hound was all set to be put to sleep by the vet, but bought the special strain of weed and her dog got better: “Never in my wildest dreams would I have anticipated this. It brought my dog back.”

The side effect is that her dog now listens to festival reggae and wants to go to India to find itself.

There’s a few companies behind this idea and Julianna Carella, CEO of Treatibles who are one of them, is reticent to discuss the actual medical benefits of giving animals drugs.

She said: “Honestly, we’re hands off with that because we’re not doctors and it’s not our place to prescribe it in that way.”

If she’s not a doctor, then surely she’s a dealer? Either way, there’s a good chance that some baby boomer will be curious enough to buy this and find that their 15 year old human child has decided to eat the dog-weed to see what happens. We can only hope the outcome is funny and uploaded to YouTube.

Hail the most evil toilet door ever!

April 9th, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

When you’ve had a few, navigating your way around a toilet visit can be treacherous. You’ve invariably left it too late and rush to get your kecks undone and there’s other humans milling about pointlessly while you try to avoid soiling yourself. And then you’ve got splashback issues and other people farting.

It really can be nightmarish.

One bar decided that the whole situation wasn’t enough of a headmelt and decided to toy with patrons by creating a false door that would mess with nature’s call. A Reddit user went to relieve himself and found himself draining of colour, as well as excretions, thinking that he was in the ladies instead of the gents.

door Hail the most evil toilet door ever!

The reality was that the bar in question had put in a fake door that looked like the reverse of the ladies’ toilets, just to frazzle burping blokes into thinking that they’d dropped a massive clanger.

Redditor Jaydscustom said: “As I’m leaving the restroom panic sets in…then I realize I just pissed in a urinal and the bathroom door was solid wood when I came in. Oh you clever, clever door.”

man on toycar 217x300 Do you need to start buying car insurance for your lawn mower...?An obscure European law has resurfaced to potentially bite people in the behind, after a European court has ruled that any moving vehicle, whether on public or private land, should be covered by motor insurance in case of an accident. This means that ride-on lawnmowers, mobility scooters and even golf buggies could need an insurance policy- even in your own garden.

This issue, which goes back as far as 1972, has reared its head again after Damijan Vnuk, a farm worker from Slovenia, brought a case to the European courts last year after falling from a ladder when it was hit by a tractor.

The court in Brussels decided that any moving vehicle, whether on public and private land, should have actual motor insurance, the normal proviso that vehicles not driven on the road are exempt ceasing to apply. The argument of the court was that tractors are “consistent with the normal function” of a motor vehicle, so normal insurance rules relating to cars and motorbikes therefore apply.

Under British law, currently only vehicles travelling on a “road or other public place” – with the exception of mobility scooters – are required to be insured, but the ruling would see this extended to any place, including farmyards and golf courses.

The Telegraph reports that the Department for Transport is currently in discussion with the industry body, the Association of British Insurers, to clarify which types of vehicles will need to be insured and at what level. Insurers have already reported a surge in calls from customers worried whether their golf caddies and lawnmowers need to be covered, and if so, whether third party cover is sufficient.

“Everybody is confused as to what the EU is up to,” said Mark Effenberg, of Blue Badge, a specialist insurer for mobility scooters. “We’re now waiting to see how the directive will be interpreted.”

But, although an irritation, and an unnecessary cost, the cost of insuring mobility scooters is not prohibitive, with mobility scooter policies costing around £90 for third party and breakdown, and a determined pensioners in search of this week’s cash could probably do some damage to an unsuspecting passer-by. While mobility scooters are currently regarded as exempt, official guidelines state that mobility scooter drivers are “strongly advised that people take out insurance” to cover accident or theft. While this is (currently) not considered a legal requirement, in some cases forcing the issue could, in some cases, be a good thing.

Celia Frodsham of Stephenson’s Solicitors said: “Uninsured people have, in the past, lost their homes after being sued for negligence because they have injured people with their scooters. Therefore insurance is recommended to avoid this.”

London gets dog restaurant

April 8th, 2015 2 Comments By Mof Gimmers

Recipie For Natural Dog Food 1 300x224 London gets dog restaurantWe did an April Fool article about a cafe in Shoreditch where you could act like a baby (congrats to those that thought it was real), but sadly, our joke was based on the fact that things like this are all too real.

Now, London is a getting a dog restaurant. And yes, it is in Shoreditch.

Of course, there’s some of you who will have applied your own ‘serving up dog meat eh? I’ve been to a few places like that!’ joke already, but the Curious Canine Kitchen is an eaterie for hounds, described as a ‘Holistic private dining event for four-legged friends’.

Jesus Christ.

Mutts can look forward to a five-course ‘The Nature Way Tasting Menu’, which has drinks paired with each meal. Your pooch could find itself chowing down on Textures of Tripe with seaweed and kale puree. No really. Or it could wolf down crispy Paddywack with reishi mushroom flaxseed cream and coconut and blueberry chia pudding with gluten-free cinnamon quinoa dog biscuits.

The dribbling humans will get a treat too, being served up a ‘Rawsome tasting menu’, which is an array of raw whole food amuse-bouche and whatnot, all based around the things your dog’s being scarfing down.

Of course, you’ll be able to take any leftovers home in a doggie bag. £20 a ticket to you and your farting friend. Find out more here.

pizza sign no arms 300x162 Pizza Hut sued for excessively hard croutonsPizza, as you know, is one of the most glorious things on the planet. It is the pinnacle of human achievement. It is the thing most likely to take the skin off the roof of your mouth as you love it too much to ever think about letting it cool down before trying to eat it.

Thanks to this fondness for pizza, us humans treat it far too seriously and one fella decided to sue Pizza Hut over one of theirs.

Everett Chatman was having the time of it at his local establishment and ordered some croutons for his pizza. Yes. Apparently croutons are a thing at Pizza Hut.

Anyway, while he was tucking in, one of these little cubes of diabetes broke part of his dentures, which Chatman said was the fault of what has been described as ‘excessively hard croutons’ which Pizza Hut had ‘negligently’ given to him.

Chatman’s attorney, Mark Foster, told Roane County News: “We tried to work it out with their insurance company, but they never wanted to talk. So we went ahead and filed.”

And now, Chatman can go crazy with croutons as he won his case, bagging himself a very tidy $2,400 (£1,600) in compensation and court costs. If he wants, he can mock Pizza Hut by turning up with dentures that have rock hard croutons in place of all the teeth.

Act like a baby in new Shoreditch cafe

April 1st, 2015 5 Comments By Mof Gimmers

goo goo cafe owners Act like a baby in new Shoreditch cafeA new cafe is opening in Shoreditch which encourages patrons to relive the joys of being a baby. At London’s ‘Baby Boomer’, patrons can enjoy (if that’s the right word) an experience where they can eat Farley’s Rusks, suck dummies, have a nap and, according to the manager of the enterprise, “even be taken to the toilet, but we’re sure customers will be fine to go themselves!” according to the owners.

After the successes of the cereal cafe, and things like the ‘cuddle cafe‘ and the ball-pool for adults, there’s been upswing in businesses opening where grown-ups can kick back and relive their youth.

Owners Sylvia and Henrik Bjáni have been looking at a venture in the fashionable area of Shoreditch for a while and decided to open Baby Boomer while the market was ‘booming’. How droll.

Henrik says: “Modern life is stressful and hard, and the time you are most safe is when you’re a baby. I guess we’re offering a refuge from modern life. At Baby Boomer, you’ll be able to eat a rusk or have chopped-up-egg-in-a-cup, while listening to lullaby versions of famous rock songs.”

Henrik continued: “There’s toys to play with, ‘shakes that come in Johnson’s Baby Powder bottles and themed cakes – our kitchen is currently making edible teething rings and we’re looking at savoury brownies that will be served in a nappy. It’s just a bit of fun really.”

Sylvia added: “When we did our soft opening, we had artists, musicians and entrepreneurs popping by. What I found most interesting is that a couple of bankers came along. It is nice to think that we’re offering a way out of the rat race. We want to stir up the nostalgia that is in all of us and provide a calm environment too. It is our own twist on the cafe experience. We feel there’s nowhere like it on Earth.”

Of course, there’s similar baby cafes in Japan and the States, most notably ‘Nendo’ and ‘Womb With A View’, but this is the first time we’ve seen something like this in the UK and the cafe opens today at 8 Rufus St, London.

The menu is online, along with a load of irritatingly infantile graphics and ideas. Chopped-up-egg-in-a-cup, for example, is a duck egg with Anglesey sea salt in a Tommee Tippee cup for £4! If this is your idea of fun or you just want to get angry at something, click here to see what they’re offering.

Tesco too literal with their marketing slogans

March 25th, 2015 2 Comments By Mof Gimmers

Tesco can’t get a thing right at the moment, with legal action being taken against them for that accounting balls-up, and now, they’re being far too literal with their marketing slogans.

Have a look at this lovely scene and see if you can spot it (we didn’t, immediately).

CA2oMnYVAAAIout 500x288 Tesco too literal with their marketing slogans

While the Tesco lorry proudly crows: “You shop, we drop”, you can see that the fella in the hi-vis jacket has taken the slogan on as gospel, and dropped his load everywhere.

If advertising slogans are all correct, maybe Gillette is the best a man can get and the men of the world have already peaked, and we should just give up?