Fancy a Kit Kat sandwich?

March 23rd, 2015 7 Comments By Mof Gimmers

Japan again, where culinary rules are thrown out of the window and everyone is invited to cook-up and assemble all manner of fantastical nonsense for you to pop in your flapping gob.

So what have we got this time? Well, if you read the headline, you’ll know we’ve got a nice Kit Kat sandwich for you to mull over.

As this is Japan, where they have Kit Kats that taste like Baked Potato and even Wasabi flavours, you’ll be pleased to know that this particular sandwich deals with the trad. arr. Kit Kat that you know and love.

kit kat sandwich Fancy a Kit Kat sandwich?

This is the brainchild of First Kitchen, and as you might be able to work out, the dish consists of a muffin, enough whipped cream to give you instant diabetes, some bits of orange to make you feel healthy and a Kit Kat.

We translated the description from the site, and this Kit Kat sandwich has “outstanding compatibility with coffee, ease of use as a dessert” and has been “developed with the aim of glutinous mouthfeel”.

If you’re in Japan, it’ll cost you £1.25ish and if you’re not, you are no doubt capable enough of making your own.

All hail Burger King’s burger perfume!

March 19th, 2015 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

The amount of Z-list celebrities that have their own fragrance range, it is only fair that Burger King have their own too. Over in That Japan, Burger King are offering you meat lovers the chance to buy their new perfume called ‘Flame Grilled’.

Pop some of it on your wrists and behind the ears, and soon enough, you’ll have every dog in town following you around while vagrants lick your skin. It’ll cost you £27ish, and will come with a Whopper, which is just great. When you run out of ‘Flame Grilled’, maybe you can just wipe an actual burger under your armpits?

burger king perfume 500x281 All hail Burger Kings burger perfume!

Of course, BK devotees will know that this isn’t the first fragrance released by the fast food outlet. Back in 2008, Burger King gave ‘Flame’ to the world, which was described as smelling like a mixture of Lynx deodorant and YSL, but ‘not very meaty’.

Hopefully, this new one just smells like cooked burger grease. Here’s an advert for ‘Flame’ – we look forward to BW readers telling us about wearing the new one on a first date.

Swizzels create greatest job in the universe

March 16th, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

swizzels sweets 300x300 Swizzels create greatest job in the universeSwizzels – the good folks behind Love Hearts, Refreshers, Drumsticks and those ace chalky lollipops – are looking for someone to become their chief taster.

Sod your teeth – this is the best job in the universe and you can always get some dentures.

There’s a catch though. The job itself will pay a salary in sweets, so unless you want to run a black market on chewy, fizzy sweeties, you might want to look elsewhere if you want to keep up with your rent.

So what’s the job entail? Well, you have to be over 16 (sorry kids) and show that you have the following skills.

A sweet tooth
Previous and detailed experience of eating sweets
Finely tuned taste buds
A passion for confectionery
The ability to act like a kid in a sweet shop
An adventurous and creative mind

Your responsibilities?

Going behind the scenes at the Swizzels factory in Derbyshire
Learning the tricks of the trade alongside new product development manager Emma Herring
Sampling existing and brand new (to the market) products that no-one’s tried before
Helping to develop new and exciting products
Receiving highly confidential sweet prototypes through the year to test and feedback to the team

Sarah-Louise Heslop, Swizzels marketing manager said: “We’re looking for our biggest fan to join us at our factory and help us develop new additions to our range. No experience is necessary – just a love of sweets.”

If you want in, then you have ’til April 30th to write 500 words or submit a short video entry detailing why you’re the person for the job. Click here to get on it. Might be worth looking up type 2 diabetes while you’re at it.

poo crap 300x300 Someones poo was so bad, a plane had to turn back

Passengers were flying to Dubai to have a lovely time, when suddenly, they were heading back to Heathrow. Not because of technical problems, but because someone had dropped their guts in a spectacularly vile manner.

Those on the flight had been complaining about the skin-stripping stench from the toilets which were enough to curdle milk.

Tory councillor Abhishek Sachdev was on-board (going to Dubai, eh?) and tweeted about the whole affair, prompting Bitterwallet to immediately think ‘whoever smelt it, dealt it’. That’s the way it works right? Even in adult life.

His tweet read:

flight poo Someones poo was so bad, a plane had to turn back

Talking to the Mail, he said the pilot apologised to the passengers, and: “About 10 minutes later he said you may have noticed there’s a quite pungent smell coming from one of the toilets. He said it was liquid faecal excrement, those are the words he used. He said it’s not a technical fault with the plane, and he was very adamant about that.”

The flight was rescheduled for the next day and a British Airways spokesperson said: “We are very sorry for the discomfort to our customers.”

Meanwhile, someone somewhere can be proud or ashamed, depending on their constitution, of doing a crap so rancid that a plane had to stop flying.

Powdered alcohol – something else to get up you

March 13th, 2015 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

hilarious drunk man 232x300 Powdered alcohol   something else to get up you

Giving a new meaning to the term ‘powder keg’, powdered alcohol has been approved for sale over in America, which means every other booze nation is probably going to copy them.

The dismally named ‘Palcohol’ has been invented by some bloke called Mark Phillips (no, not that one) and basically, is a powdered versions of rum, vodka and an assortment of your fave cocktails. We eagerly await the first news stories of someone having an awful time after chopping and snorting 6 lines of tequila.

Why does the world need booze in powder form? Well, the inventor suggests that, if you’re an outdoorsy sort, instead of filling your backpack with bottles of booze, you can just take some sachets of booze, just add water and HEY PRESTO! you’re getting drunk on top of a hill!

Canny drunks will be thinking about sneaking drink into gigs and the like.

The news hasn’t been wholly welcomed in American, with some states already vowing to ban the sale of Palcohol. Either way, you’ll be able to buy it online from this summer.

Man finds gigantic snake in his Corn Flakes

March 11th, 2015 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

Breakfast time is either absolutely manic (if you have kids or you like to do star-jumps while you eat) or a calm period of reflection where you skim read the news while slurping coffee.

Well, if you live in exotic countries where everything is designed to kill you, things can be a little different.

One fella in Australia, who has a regrettable moustache, was going about his business and found that his Corn Flakes had been replaced with a massive snake.

Jared Smith was in his Sydney apartment when he spied at diamond python having a nice time in his cereal box. Yes, ‘python having a nice time in his cereal box’ sounds a bit dirty.

He told The Daily Telegraph: “I peeked in the box, saw its head pop out, and that’s when I dropped my food on the counter and bolted for the door. The python was over two metres long and I couldn’t believe it was jammed into this small cereal box.”

“When I got there I actually had to tear the box to get it out, that’s how tightly squeezed in it was. It’s likely it was hiding in there to feel secure”.

Now, these particular snakes aren’t venomous, but they’re snakes, so they can bite and they look so frightening that it can turn your blood into ice. Mercifully, the story ends with a professional beast handler coming to rescue it and return it to the bush land.

Richard Bootman, 25, thought he was about to have a lovely time horsing crisps into his mouth after he’d been shopping in the Brandon store of Aldi.

Presumably, he was thinking of all that lovely, delicious grease going into his face and patting his stomach in glee when it was all done… however, something odd happened.

He said: “I opened the packet of crisps and noticed there wasn’t the usual crunchy sound you get. I tipped the packet upside-down and this oily potato just fell out onto my desk.”

bad crisps Man discovers whole spud instead of crisps in packet

We would have been livid because this is tantamount to getting sabotaged with something healthy when you thought you were about to have a gloriously disgusting party in your mouth. It feels like someone ‘surprising’ you with alcohol-free beer.

However, Richard Bootman is twice the person we are and he thought it was funny: “We all just laughed when we saw it, then I said to a friend, “Maybe you are expected to cook your own crisps these days?”

The ultimate in artisan, DIY, next-level Salt ‘n’ Shake crisps. These would be a perfect blag for a crisps company wanting to sell to health conscious hipsters with loads of money and free time.

Anyway, Richard showed his pictures to Aldi via Twitter and they offered him a refund. An Aldi spokesperson said: “Aldi is aware of this incident and is happy to offer the customer a full refund.”

Man gets secret message in Frosties

March 9th, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

A man open a box of Frosties (nice to see an adult unashamed of eating Frosties, when other grown-ups tut at such things while rolling awful muesli round their gobs) and found it had a secret message inside!

Over in That Canada, Stephane Gaudette opened the cereal and discovered that he had the last ever box of Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes ever to be made in the country.

Gaudette – a history teacher, as luck would have it – found the inner bag had a message which read: “This is the very last bag of Canadian cereal for the Canadian market from Kellogg’s London, Ontario plant.”

For those of you not up to date with Canadian cereal manufacturing news, the factory was closed in December 2014 after 107 years in business, with 550 people becoming unemployed.

There’s been some furrowed brows over a sportswear company who printed some labels for football shirts, where the washing instructions were ‘GIVE IT TO YOUR WOMAN – IT’S HER JOB’

This, of course, has seen a lot of people shrieking in disgust. Not the people who think the message is a bit off, but rather, people who say things like ‘feminazis’ and the like.

B kIygdUsAA4d6U Washing instructions: Give It To Your Woman
Salvo Sports made the shirts for Indonesian Super League side Pusamania Borneo, which as you can see, had a label that said: “Washing instructions: Give this shirt to a woman. It’s her job.”

The response from people who thought it wasn’t a particularly nice thing to have on a shirt, was basically ‘this seems sexist’ or ‘bloody hell’, which of course, was met with the most hysterical set of people on the internet – those who think they’re not at all hysterical who like shouting at feminists (even though many of those criticising the label hadn’t said if they were or weren’t feminists at all).

Among all this, Salvo Sports said sorry on their Twitter account: “The message is simply, instead of washing it in the wrong way, you might as well give it to a lady because they are more capable”

“There is no intention to humiliate women. In contrast [we want to tell the men] learn from women how to take care of clothes”

Boom! There you go! Some lovely back-pedalling from a company saying ‘no, no, no, no – we meant that women should wash the clothes because women are the best! Loving your work ladies!‘ Meanwhile, the internet debates about what can and can’t constitute a joke and where people hysterically shout at each other, claiming to not be hysterical themselves.

“Hey! Get women to wash your clothes!” is a rubbish joke though.

Dating site gets rid of 3,000 for being ugly

March 6th, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

date dating Dating site gets rid of 3,000 for being uglyA dating website has axed 3,000 people for being too ugly. The site claims to find love for only the most beautiful people, so if you have a face like someone trying to force an ankle through a tennis racket, it is Tinder for you pal.

This was undertaken by Beautifulpeople.com, who got rid of those who they reckon don’t come up to the ‘rigorous standards expected’ of the ‘exclusive community’. Of course, the people that remain on the site must have something wrong with them, or they wouldn’t have to use a dating website to find a mate to hump if they are so impossibly beautiful.

Members have been removed for a variety of reasons, with the most common being that they’d put weight on or – and get this – ‘graceless’ ageing.

This sends a very clear message to those who sign-up for the site: if you’re good looking, stay on top of it or else. And if you’re thinking of joining the site, because people cry at how amazing your face is, then you need to know a few things.

The site says: “BeautifulPeople is the first dating community of its kind. To become a member, applicants are required to be voted in by existing members of the opposite sex. Members rate new applicants over a 48 hour period based on whether or not they find the applicant ‘beautiful’. Should applicants secure enough positive votes from members, they will be granted membership to the BeautifulPeople dating community. The vote is fair and democratic. BeautifulPeople does not define beauty it simply gives an accurate representation of what society’s ideal of beauty is as decided by the members.”

Of course, it does define beauty, because if you hit the biscuit tin too frequently, you get booted off.

Greg Hodge, managing director, said: “We have to stick to our founding principles of only accepting beautiful people – that’s what our members have paid for. We can’t just sweep 30,000 ugly people under the carpet.”

iPhone cooks man’s leg after exploding

March 3rd, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

We haven’t had a tale of a mobile phone exploding for a while, but this latest one is a corker, thanks to the man in question being so descriptive of his injuries.

The iPhone that (allegedly) blew-up in a man’s pocket was hot searingly hot that he claimed that people around him said that they could ‘smell his body burning’.

Erik Johnson was at a party when he heard a pop in his pocket, then some fizzing and smoke, before his leg started to burn. The heat was so extreme that it melted his trouser pocket closed.

“I was literally jumping up and down trying to get the phone out of my pocket, but I think the phone melted my pockets shut so I couldn’t get into it and I had to rip my pants off and throw the pants to the side,” he told ABC.

“A couple of people actually said they could smell my body burning,”

Erik was forced to go to hospital and spend 10 days there after suffering third degree burns. Of course, this isn’t the first time time iPhones have been said to explode, with one teenager saying his went off like a rocket, and another student with a molten mobile. We’d like to see this becoming fashionable again.

Cheese and biscuits, but not as you know it

March 2nd, 2015 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

You’ve had a nice meal and you order some nice cheese and biscuits to finish things off with. You’re in the mood for something else, but you don’t want a sweet pudding.

You know how it is.

Well, Diane Murray did exactly that, but her order wasn’t at all what she was expecting. She got cheese. She got biscuits. The problem, however, was the type of biscuit.

B A0cq4W0AA1YOt 500x332 Cheese and biscuits, but not as you know it

That’s right! Instead of a nice savoury biscuit and some crackers, Diane ended up with some bourbons and custard creams with her cheeses. And whatever those knock-off Jammy Dodgers with cream in the middle of them are called.

Mercifully, she thought it was funny and said that she’d reveal the place that served up this unusual treat in return for a Comic Relief donation, which is nice.

She tweeted: “@stephkerr: Cheese and biscuits – if anyone pledges to comic relief I’ll tell them which hotel they can get this in”, with the above photo attached.

We’d go for a custard cream with some brie on it. You know it makes sense.

Create energy by jacking off!

February 27th, 2015 3 Comments By Mof Gimmers

Do you… erm… like to feel pleased a lot of the time? Do you spend your downtime by… umm… beating up the wookie? Well, if that sounds like you, there’s a gadget that could help you save the planet while you throw yourself into an onanistic fever.

Those scamps at PornHub have made a video about some wearable technology called the ‘Wankband’, which basically sits on your wrist and, with the movement of your wrist, creates energy.

With this thing, you can ‘love the planet, by loving yourself’.

You work, create the energy and then plug your phone, tablet or whatever, into the wrist band and, hey presto, you’re charging your device with the power of love.

Of course, the product is unisex and apparently, you can sign-up as a beta tester for the thing, which you sign-up for over at the smut vendor’s site. Might be best to not access that if you’re at work, unless you have a great game face and are able to tell your superiors that, yes, you’re accessing a dirty site at work, but you’re doing it to help reduce their electricity bills.

The power is in your hands.

To stop this bus, shout “Ding Ding”

February 25th, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

Travelling on a bus can be a miserable affair at the best of times and, as we know, there’s too many buses that are in a bit of a state when you get on them.

One bus in Yorkshire had a problem with the buttons that you press, which ring the bell to signal to the bus driver that you want to get off at the next stop. Well, Barnsley folk won’t let a little thing like that get in the way of anything. Forget getting maintenance teams out and all that faff – just write a note like this.

Problem solved.

B7QYuugIAAAFPjE 500x375 To stop this bus, shout Ding Ding

As you can see, the sign says “Bells not working. If you want bus to stop, shout ‘Ding Ding’.” It is impossible to read that without doing it in a Yorkshire accent.

Of course, this sign is bad news for those who too shy to shout or, indeed, can’t read. Either way, we like this system of fixing menial problems. More of it please!

[via Twitter]

No nectar cards for Fannys

February 24th, 2015 3 Comments By Thewlis

It must be difficult enough to have to go around in life being called Fanny, without having to cry over all the Nectar points you aren’t collecting because Sainsburys won’t give you a card. It’s like kicking a girl when she’s down.

That is exactly what happened to 19 year old Fanny Carlsson, whose name was deemed such a joke that it wasn’t even rejected on quality control- the computer would not accept her first name was, in fact, her first name. Even though it is.

fanny No nectar cards for FannysFanny, originally from Sweden, helpfully screenshotted her attempt to use her ‘invalid’ first name, but may have had to explain to her fellow countrymen (and women) what Fanny means, both in the UK (front bottom of a lady) and in the US (bottom bottom), and why, to save schoolboy sniggers, she often uses her middle name whilst here in the UK.

Ms Carlsson did eventually have to resort to her middle name in order to be able to rack up her points, but Sainsbury’s and Nectar have had their boob pointed out to them. Nectar said, in a statement: “Like many companies we block a number of words on the Nectar website. We are sorry for the inconvenience caused to this particular customer and are reviewing this going forward.”

Next week, find out what happened when Randy,  Dick and Willy applied for a Clubcard…