Online murder will be a thing by end of 2014

October 6th, 2014 No Comments By Ian Wade

cyber crime 300x223 Online murder will be a thing by end of 2014In Cheer Up! It May Never Happen news, security experts reckon that the first online murder could be committed by the end of 2014.

Criminals who know their way around a computer, could use the internet’s power for bad and do stuff like taking control of medical aids like pacemakers and insulin, causing havoc.

Officers at the European policing agency Europol said it expected a rise in injury and possible deaths caused by hacking attacks on critical safety equipment.

And not at all sounding slightly hysterical, they have warned that governments were ill-prepared to combat the looming threat of so-called ‘online murder’.

In other ‘putting ideas into people’s heads’ examples, they believe crooks could use the web to carry out new forms of extortion and blackmail, such as locking people out of their homes or cars before payment of a ransom. Although it’s not all future fear, as security breaches already identified include the hacking of webcams. A couple in Texas reported that a hacker was able to shout abuse at a two-year-old after exploiting a flaw in their baby monitor.

The US health authorities ordered hospitals to improve security after identifying problems with 300 medical devices and amid reports that malware (malicious software) had slowed down monitors used for high-risk pregnancies.

So yeah. Connect every aspect of yourself up to the internet. It may end in MURDER (works best if said like the start of Hart to Hart).

tesco bag 300x187 Tesco buy private jet, which adds to their woesYour daily update of what future historians will probably refer to as ‘The Fall of the Tesco Empire’ sees them troubled chain in a private jet crisis.

They’ve just taken delivery of a brand new Gulfstream G550 plane, which timing-wise has not gone down terribly well with investor.

New chief executive Dave Lewis had already ordered that the chain’s fleet of private jets be destroyed by fire* (*sold off), in a bid to sort out the supermarket’s current debacle of overstating its profits by £250 million.

However its claimed that the plane was paid for 20 months ago, and turned up coincidentally during the worst week imaginable for Tesco.

Tesco, whose market share price has plummeted by nearly 50% this year, already had a fleet of four private jets.

Quite why though, no-one is being particularly forthcoming. Is the new hudl2, which Tesco unveiled last week, going to pay for it? Or the death of BlinkBox? Tesco will be hoping so.

Charge your phone in a phonebox!

October 6th, 2014 1 Comment By Ian Wade

 Charge your phone in a phonebox!The humble telephone box. It’s a part of British life, even if 90% of them are unoperational now.

Now after a few attempts to make them into things, they’re now being transformed into solar-powered charging points for mobile phones.

The first of six trial Solarbox boxes was launched in Tottenham Court Road up that London, and gives you 20% of power in ten minutes.

However you will have to sit through ten minutes of adverts while you wait, but, you know, depends on how desperate you are.

Entrepreneurs Harold Craston and Kirsty Kenny are behind the idea, which is all jolly good and that, but they want to repaint the red boxes green, which looks a bit ghastly.

Mr Craston said: “I lived next to a phone box in my second year at uni and walked past it every day. I thought, “there are 8,000 of these lying unused in London and we must be able to find a use for them”.

Finally! A use for phone boxes other than urinating spots for the homeless and sex shelters for drunk divorcees!

Look at the state of this chartered accountant

October 3rd, 2014 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

Initially, we were going to say ‘here’s a picture of Jonathan Franks, a chartered accountant, presented without comment’.

However, it really is very difficult to look at a berk in a suit, posing with a guitar, trying to jazz up a chartered accountancy advert without thinking of all the swear words simultaneously, as well as being flooded with irritation and looming pity.

Seriously. There were so many opportunities to make sure this photo didn’t happen, yet…

BaltFA8CEAADjJA 500x375 Look at the state of this chartered accountant

This photo was stolen from a twitter account.

Deathwatch: short telephone numbers

October 2nd, 2014 1 Comment By Ian Wade

woman on the phone 243x300 Deathwatch: short telephone numbersFive areas of the UK are facing a telephone crisis.

People now have to dial the full area code to telephone local homes and businesses – as regulators claim we as a nation ,are running out of landline numbers.

The change, which came into effect on Wednesday, covers Aberdeen (01224), Bradford (01274), Brighton (01273), Middlesbrough (01642) and Milton Keynes (01908).

It now means you have the additional faff of putting in the area code as well as the number. Just like you do on a mobile.

This is a move from that Ofcom to create nearly one million new numbers for these locations.

Ofcom is also planning to implement the same system in Oxford, Slough and Stoke-on-Trent from some point after 2016, and its likely that many more areas will follow in the near future. Among the many other locations under possibility are Swindon, Hull, York, Norwich, Guildford, Warwick Bath and Motherwell.

Add to that, the general palaver of local businesses changing paperwork and letterheads, or having to dial an entire takeaway full number. Beak times. Ofcom cannot allocate local phone numbers where the first digit is 0 or 1. This is because the network computers may confuse the number with other existing dialling codes or with a number reserved for special use.

For example, the system would recognise 07 as a mobile number, 08 as a special rate, or 118 as directory enquiries.

Once consumers are required to use the national code, thousands of new numbers beginning 0 or 1 can be offered to families or businesses. Bournemouth have been at it since 2012. Get them.

A spokesman said: “Requiring landline callers to use the code locally is intended to safeguard the future supply of new landline numbers and avoid the need for more disruptive measures, such as changing existing phone numbers. The supply of new landline numbers also ensures that consumers and businesses continue to enjoy the widest choice of telecoms providers.”

“The cost of calls will not be affected, and those who dial without the area code after the change will hear a recorded message asking them to include it. The measure was first implemented in Bournemouth, Christchurch and Poole (the 01202 code area) in November 2012 and the process ran smoothly.”

Modern life there ladies and gents.

wine Brits spend more on prostitutes and drugs than on wine and beerThe Office of National Statistics have unveiled some figures on British spending habits and there’s quite a surprising result in amongst the crunched numbers.

If you think we collectively drink a lot of wine and beer, it’s nothing compared to  how much we spend on drugs and prostitutes.

This is the first time the ONS have included narcotics and sex workers into their calculations of Gross Domestic Product in order to ensure “comparability in measuring Gross National Income across EU countries.”

So here’s the kicker: In 2013, Brits spent £11bn on wine and beer, while spending £12.3bn on prostitutes and illegal drugs.

The figure for the procurement of sex workers in £4.3bn alone, with the rest disappearing up noses and the like. Drugs are split into crack cocaine, powder cocaine, amphetamines, ecstasy and imported and home produced cannabis, worth £6.7bn a year according to the ONS.

So the real story is this: British people spend over £23bn on having a really fun time.

Paypal bids for a life away from eBay

October 1st, 2014 2 Comments By Ian Wade

paypal Paypal bids for a life away from eBayPayPal is going to become its own thing.

It will now trade as a separate publicly traded company, and will no longer be completely associated with eBay – the breakaway is scheduled to occur sometime during 2015.

Pre-market shares in eBay surged by 11% on news of the announcement on Tuesday.

eBay said a decision had been made to separate as a strategic move to help maximise growth and shareholder value for both the payment and retail entities.

“eBay and PayPal are two great businesses with leading global positions in commerce and payments,” eBay president and CEO John Donahoe said.

“For more than a decade eBay and PayPal have mutually benefited from being part of one company, creating substantial shareholder value. However, a thorough strategic review with our board shows that keeping eBay and PayPal together beyond 2015 clearly becomes less advantageous to each business strategically and competitively.”

“The industry landscape is changing, and each business faces different competitive opportunities and challenges.”

This comes several months after investor activist Carl Icahn demanded a split of the two divisions. Meanwhile, most people who aren’t associated with either company are still glaring at them with contempt.

At last! A wearable drone that takes selfies!

September 30th, 2014 1 Comment By Ian Wade

Some inventors have cooked up a wrist-based drone that takes selfies. That’s it. Everyone can go home now, we’ve finished as a species.

The Nixie is a flyable wrist-worn camera, and is the brainchild of Christoph Kohstall, Jelena Jovanovic, and Michael Niedermayr who are a team of one of ten finalists in Intel’s Make It Wearable (MIW) Challenge.


It was originally meant to be a flying pair of glasses, which would have no doubt been REALLY useful, but now morphed into a wristband that unfolds into a remote-controlled quadcopter.

The Intel Creators Project blog said:”With traditional cameras, shooters have to interrupt the moment to take pictures, and the controls require manual manipulations. Nixie puts you front and center in your photos and videos—without requiring your hands, or your attention.”

While still a prototype, the Nixie should include preset modes for all sorts of filming criteria.

Within its capacity as an Intel MIW Challenge entry, the Nixie, of course, utilizes Intel’s Edison—a functioning, Quark-powered computer with wireless capabilities packed into a chip as slim and small as an SD card.

It’s just one of the inventions in the running for the award, along with nine others that include  sports, healthcare, robotics, and existing wearable technology.

The winning team will be announced at the Make It Wearable Finale Event on Nov. 3.

People exchange their kids for free WiFi

September 30th, 2014 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

stupid children 214x300 People exchange their kids for free WiFiSix fully grown humans who should know better agreed to give their children away in exchange for free WiFi. Have they been arrested and the kids taken off into care?


That’s because this was some kind of social experiment where researchers set up a WiFi hotspot in London which had a lengthy t&c section.

The terms contained a “deliberately ridiculous” term which, if you’d read, said that in return for the free access to the internet, the individual using the service was prepared to “render up their eldest child for the duration of eternity”.

The report is called ‘Tainted Love: How Wi-Fi Betrays Us’ by security and privacy company F-Secure. It states that, regarding people allowing their children to be given up for eternity: ”Despite this, six people decided that it was a fair exchange and signed up.”

Hopefully, the researchers will see the clause out in scenes akin to the baby being fought for in Ghostbusters 2. Hopefully they’ll have a massive magic oil painting too.

The report concluded: “Our results illustrate the very real problem of the modern world which is that – while massively dependent on the technology – the population is unaware of its capabilities for surveillance and intrusion into their lives. The problem is that people implicitly trust their technology and are not aware of the implications of that trust.”

“There is an insatiable pursuit of bandwidth, driven mainly by the desire to have video, data-rich apps and super-fast website performance on the move.”

“This appetite for bandwidth has blinded consumers to the risks that they are taking. In pursuit of free bandwidth, people are prepared to do anything as our experiment showed with its draconian terms and conditions.”

In fairness, the six people involved might have really quite horrible children. You just don’t know do you? Have you met some of them? They can be infuriating.

TL;DR – Breaking news: People don’t read terms and conditions on anything, ever.

LG fail at trolling Apple thanks to using iPhone

September 29th, 2014 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

Trolling, done properly, is an artform. People mistake simply abusing someone as trolling. Trolling is when you get someone apoplectic with frustration without them knowing you were just getting a rise out of them.

Well, LG in France thought they’d mock Apple during the awfully named ‘Bendgate’*, but they dropped a clanger.

lg france tweet on bendgate 500x375 LG fail at trolling Apple thanks to using iPhone

While LG were chuckling to themselves at their very modern marketing jape, everyone pointed out that they’d mocked Apple while using Twitter on an iPhone.

The company said in their tweet, while talking about the LG G Flex smartphone: “Our phone doesn’t bend, it flexes…on purpose. #bendgate”

But the bloody idiots forgot to send the tweet from their desktop or, indeed, the LG G Flex which would’ve been a secure, tight trolling. Not only were they failing to mock Apple, but they were also inadvertently saying; ‘Hey! Buy our phones, even though our social media team doesn’t believe in them and would rather own a handset from a rival!’

The tweet was removed once LG had discovered the “issue”, but alas, everyone had already got a screengrab. Still, LG will be happy enough that they’re getting any coverage at all during the current Apple-fest, even if it does make them look like thundering bozos.

*As an aside, why do we add ‘gate’ on the end of things? If that was the correct procedure, Nixon would’ve been embroiled in Watergategate.

The bar for pregnant women

September 29th, 2014 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

Ever wondered why there wasn’t a bar that was ideal for pregnant women? Well, someone in New York had the same thought and went and set the thing up and called it ‘Gestations’.

Now you’ll be able to breathe out your beer gut because it won’t look nearly as large next to a women who is resting a craft ale on her 7 month pregnancy belly.

Gestations at Fifth Street and Avenue A proclaims: “All you mothers-to-be should come check out our trimester specials and our 9-month happy hour because now you’re drinking for two!”

gestations 2 500x185 The bar for pregnant women

On Gestations Facebook page, the bar claims that expectant mums are perfect patrons because they can fit more booze in: “The bigger the belly, the more you can drink. True for men and pregnant women #gestationsny.”

The bar even got a billboard up in Times Sqaure.

gestations 500x272 The bar for pregnant women

Of course, not many are happy about this.

One disgruntled sort said on the bar’s FB page: “this is really sick, a real disparate, how would you entice a pregnant woman to drink alcohol which will take effects on the unborn, this is really ridiculous. I would call on the Dept of Health, to close this stupid peoples door business that are endangering the health of the unborn. umbelievable ..!!!!!!

That comment may have been made under the influence – we just don’t know. Another said: “It’s insane . . . I think it portrays a poor image.”

The bar also said online: “#gestationsny will have free pregnancy test kits when you buy a pitcher. Check out our profile on #BARTRENDr to see what else we’ll carry.”

However, the bar haven’t actually applied for a liquor licence, so this might be some sort of Earth Mother’s Juice Bar or something, who just have some novelty adverts to drum up attention.

Minecraft recreates the UK in, um, Minecraft

September 26th, 2014 No Comments By Ian Wade

minecraft gratis 300x136 Minecraft recreates the UK in, um, MinecraftWelcome to ‘People with too much time on the hands corner’ where these week we discover that someone has made a map of the UK entirely out of Minecraft blocks.

Someone called Ordnance Survey, recreated 224,000 sq km of Britain using 83 billion blocks, with each block representing 25m of actual real life Britain.

The map is available on the site so that people can put their address in and see what their area looks like and witness actual roads and houses and that.

The original Minecraft UK map was created by intern Joseph Braybrook over two weeks in September 2013. Now Mr Braybrook has joined the Ordnance Surveys, he has now updated the map.

Braybrook said that increasing the scale of the map had made it more detailed and given it a “more expansive appearance that is closer to real life.”

“I’ve attempted to re-create Great Britain to be more realistic, while maintaining the gameplay elements people love from the game,”

Ordnance Survey announced that the one-gigabyte map would be made available for download for users to play on. The original version has already been downloaded more than 100,000 times.

So you can go to your neighbourhood and do whatever it is you do on Minecraft in your actual endz.

Talking phone gets nana in a right state

September 23rd, 2014 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

This has been doing the rounds, but always worth sharing on the off-chance you haven’t seen it. Dr Emma Wilson wrote into the Guardian to say that her nana’s mobile phone had turned her into a wreck.

The letter says that the mobile spoke to gran, and left her in a “state of physical and emotional collapse” after she gave it what-for with that potty mouth of hers.

Bx9sTwSCQAAIDPl 343x500 Talking phone gets nana in a right state


All hail Nana Wilson and her dirty language.

Sainsbury’s new trolley for disabled kids

September 23rd, 2014 2 Comments By Ian Wade

sainsburys 300x192 Sainsburys new trolley for disabled kidsSainsbury’s have launched a new shopping trolley designed especially for parents with kids who have disabilities.

600 of the trolleys will be sent to stores across the country this week.

The new trolleys are designed for children with the likes of cerebral palsy and autism, and fitted with a special padded seat and harness designed for maximum comfort and security.

All Sainsbury’s supermarkets will have at least one of the new trolleys by the end of October.

Sainsbury’s had invited parents Maria Box and Stacie Lewis to trial-run the new trolleys, after learning of their frustration with the current trolleys being unsatisfactory.

Hannah Bernard, Sainsbury’s director of customer experience, said: “We were reviewing our range of trolleys when we read about Maria’s experience and Stacie’s call for supermarkets to introduce a new trolley for disabled children. We immediately contacted them and invited them to trial our new trolley with their children.”

“We always had trolleys for parents with disabled children but they weren’t appropriate for children with disabilities such as cerebral palsy or autism. We hope these new trolleys will make shopping much easier for thousands of parents like Stacie and Maria and are very grateful to them for helping us with the design.”

Mark Harper MP, Minister of State for Disabled People said: “It’s excellent news that Sainsbury’s are taking steps to improve the shopping experience for disabled people. This new trolley should serve as a benchmark for others in the retail sector.”

Hurrah all concerned!

Chat Magazine: Asking the tough questions

September 23rd, 2014 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

Here at Bitterwallet, we’ve clearly been letting you readers down by not asking the big, important questions that concern all consumers and bargain-lovers.

Chat Magazine have been showing us how it is done, with the fabulous question over on Facebook: “You can have £1 off anything, what would it be?”

chat mag fb Chat Magazine: Asking the tough questions


Some of the answers were very enlightening. One Chat fan said “fruit!”, while another excitingly added “margarine”. One cheeky scamp said “oooh anything from Poundland”, which in turn prompted loads of another people to say almost the same thing, while another impishly added: “A pound off my boobs lol”

Another added, seemingly from nowhere: “My kebab that should be here n e min…..i deserve it!”

Anyway, seeing as we’re not engaging you, if you’d like to join in the fun and not in any way go a make a mockery of the whole process, you can click here to visit the Facebook update.

For the record, we’d like £1 off dildos.