Kraftwerk: for beauty we will ebay

April 18th, 2014 No Comments By Ian Wade

zzzz53 300x218 Kraftwerk: for beauty we will ebayKraftwerk are having a bit of a clear out.

Robot-fetishists and all round geniuses Kraftwerk have been clearing out their old German studio, and bunged a load of kit on eBay.

So now – AT LAST! – you can get your hands on a Vermona Digital Rhythm Machine Drum Midi, a Analogue Solutions Europa 17 Track Midi Sequencer or even a Vikinx Network Analog Audio Matrix 64×64 Stereo Symmetric, all for the price of your next few months rent.

The more bargain conscious fan can get a Yamaha WX-7 Wind Controller Electronic Saxophone. But really, saxophones are vile at the best of times. An electronic one can only be worse than famine.

The page can be found here on German eBay.

Kraftwerk themselves can probably be found performing in an art gallery somewhere being all 3D and amazing.

.London is a thing and it is here

April 17th, 2014 No Comments By Ian Wade

london 300x225 .London is a thing and it is hereMany a London-based company have signed up for a .london domain name.

The likes of the football team West Ham, the London Eye, Selfridges and the London School of Economics have signed up for the localised address.

From April 29th, companies in London are able to apply for the address as a change from the square old or .com addresses.

With more than 1,000 new web addresses lined up already, it is being seen as one of the biggest changes in the history of the internet.

Odious blonde irritant Mayor Johnson spouted: ”There is enormous interest in .london from businesses right across the capital, not just from high street brands but from the small businesses that are the lifeblood of London’s economy.”

“London leads the world in technology and our businesses are among the most dynamic and innovative anywhere, so it is no surprise so many see .london for the great opportunity it presents them.”

Apparently the address is going to improve London’s economy. Fancy that!

Mystics – now available on the NHS?

April 17th, 2014 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

In Manchester, the backs of bus tickets usually have adverts for fast food joints and companies offering to help you put a claim in if you’ve had an accident.

Now, according to the back of a Stagecoach ticket found by ShowBody, you can now get mystics on the NHS. As you can see in the picture below, ‘Mystic Eli’s Nation Reiki Distance Healing & Drug Rehabilitation’ is available to people at the NHS Corkland Road Medical Practice in leafy Chorlton.

BlaLiP3CEAEmcSm 375x500 Mystics   now available on the NHS?

The advert also says “always the real thing” as well as “your trusted psychic”, which is funny, because we didn’t know the NHS was dealing in things like witchcraft, talking to ghosts and other completely made-up things.

Men! Check out this sickening half-thong

April 16th, 2014 5 Comments By Mof Gimmers

Men. Have you ever looked down at your nether regions and thought – ‘these underpants… there’s just too much of them. People should be able to see more of my junk’.

Well, if you went from boxers to jockeys, to briefs to a high cut tanga thong, and found yourself still too covered up for your own liking, then how about this utterly ghastly product?

wtf thong 500x500 Men! Check out this sickening half thong

 As you can see, you can get your hands on a half-thong affair, which proudly show off most of your groin and one whole buttock. Of course, it you have a spotty arse and a bit of a gut, these sorry undercrackers will look even worse. If a model can’t make them look the part, the rest of us don’t stand a chance.

That said, we’re sure to give some kind of prize to anyone who is mental enough to wear these down the beach this summer. We’ll probably vomit up our pelvis too.

If you are a weirdo and want a pair, you can get them on eBay for around a dollar. Bitterwallet accepts no responsibility for everyone suddenly ignoring you.

Behold: The fish and chip pie

April 16th, 2014 2 Comments By Ian Wade

zzzz51 300x187 Behold: The fish and chip pieThe Fish & Chip pie – It’s now a thing. Marks & Spencer are launching a new pie which is basically fish and chips and mushy peas in a pastry casing.


The store will be launching its new £3.49 treat, which is made up of cod chunks, béchamel tartar sauce, mushy pea jus and topped off with a chip-based crust next week.

Each pie contains 581 calories – just over a quarter of a woman’s recommended daily intake, and a little more than a fifth of a man’s – and includes 31g of fat, 44 per cent of the daily allowance.

The inventor of the dish, Matt Dawson, said he “wanted to create a classic traditional British dish and turn it into a pie,” adding, “what’s more British than fish & chips? I thought of the idea of eating it on the beach with one of our Cornish IPA ales”.

The idea is so wonderful, you wonder why it’s never been thought of before.

We’d tell you what it tastes like, but no one sends us pies here, so we’ll just have to take M&S’ word for it. FOR NOW.

If you’re going to make a Twitter fail, you may as well make it spectacular, as US Airways recently found out. When faced with a complaint on Twitter, the airline’s social media team responded by directing the poor customer to view a pornographic image.

Yesterday it responded to a tweet from a young female user called “Alex” who said: “You ruined my spring break, I want some free stuff @USAirways H8 YOU”.

US Airways tweet Massive Twitter fail makes the world chuckle

The airline replied: “We don’t like to hear this, Alex. Please provide feedback to our Customer Relations team here,” followed by a link to a pornographic image of a woman performing a sex act with a model Boeing 777 (below). Reportedly, the aircraft’s insignia was obscured but at least there was some attempt at brand placement.

Many of US Airways’ 420,000 followers responded to the exchange to express a mixture of disgust, anger, surprise and amusement and it later emerged that the same link had been used in responses to other users as well. The airline has since apologised and said it was “investigating” the source of the tweets, which have since been removed. Many people have speculated that the image was posted as a cruel joke by departing member of US Airways’ dedicated social media team.

Still, they do say there is no such thing as bad publicity, and the tweets (and the accompanying image) became so popular in the Twitterverse  that it became the top trending topic in the US. The enthusiastic lady also ended up receiving more comments and retweets than the breaking news of the Pulitzer Prize award winners. Just shows how little effort is needed to get anywhere these days…

If you’d like to see the INCREDIBLY NSFW IMAGE, click here.

Glass war on the streets of San Francisco

April 15th, 2014 No Comments By Ian Wade

google glass Glass war on the streets of San FranciscoGoogle Glass wearers are being attacked on the streets, according to CNN. And why not, you may ask, if someone is willing to waltz about with a grands worth of computer on their head?

It seems that where once before, you’d have your phone and you’d slip it in your bag or pocket and no one would be the wiser, going around with the device on your face is a bit more obvious.

Also, you’d be a bit narked if someone pointed a camera at you, so that narkiness would only exacerbate when someone wearing the Glass is staring at you, seeing as it has built-in video and web capabilities.

As only a few people have them at the moment, it is seen as a symbol of an affluent elite. They may as well be wearing fur or something, the ponces.

It’s starting to drive San Francisco a bit mad. Where once it was all bumming and car chases, Silicon Valley has encroached itself onto the city to drive the rents up and alter its character. Some people are obviously a bit ‘Glass War’ about this, and so spotting a poltroon wandering around with hi-tech gadgetery on their head has become something of a new sport. Even going as far as calling them Glassholes.


Most of the anti-tech attacks have focused on big-name companies such as Google and Twitter and the private bus systems that ferry their employees from the city to various corporate headquarters in Silicon Valley.

But individual employees are increasingly being targeted, with protesters picketing in front of the home of Kevin Rose, co-founder of Digg and now a partner with Google Ventures. The protesters claimed his group, which helps Google decide which start-ups to invest money in, has helped to inflate prices in the city.

America eh? Still, hold tight UK. We’ve got it all to come.

zzzw4 300x195 Tesco stands firm on nuts may contain nuts labelsTesco have defended their mildly demented ‘May Contain Nuts’ labelling after a social media backlash thing.

Allergy campaigners had been all up in the retailer’s grill recently, about unnecessary warnings on such products as yoghurt, sweet potatoes and ham.


Tesco had argued that the warning labels were only be applied to items if there was a genuine risk of cross contamination.

It’s not just loony labelling when you have a nut allergy. Oh no. Many of the campaigners were parents of nut-allergy nippers, and it’s no joke when trying to prevent them from death by potentially nutty ham.

New EU rules on allergy labelling are due to come into force later this year, and retailers have started to amend their packaging to suit.

But as many campaigners wonder if it’s a ‘one size fits all’ legal disclaimer which can be pointed out when challenged, is in fact highlighting a myriad of issues that suggest standards aren’t being fully adhered to.

And dear God, we can do without another month of weak puns on twitter that happened in the wake of the horse meat crisis.

Breakfast more important than wifi

April 9th, 2014 2 Comments By Ian Wade

zxzxzx5 Breakfast more important than wifiA survey by shows that most guests are more concerned that there’s a breakfast, rather than any other service the hotel provides.

Guests were asked to rank the 33 hotel amenities in order of importance, and breakfast was the outright winner, coming above wifi access. Finishing the top five was parking and a front desk that was open 24 hours a day.

However, despite smoking being banned in such establishments, having a non-smoking room was considered another key factor at No.6.

Lowest on the list of importance was anything child-friendly, pet services and hair salons. But then this was out of 1000 chiefly business travellers and we all know that they’re bald, hate animals and eat children. They were neither here nor there as regards conference rooms and business facilities.

Wifi was deemed the most important amenity when travellers were asked what they most wanted once inside – as opposed to when they’re booking – their rooms, although it’s long been a hassle with hotels to provide a decent wifi service, compared to the likes of coffee shops and that.

Did anyone mention the ability to angle the room’s mirrors so you could see the mucky films while sat on the pan?

Piranha drama blocks up sewers in UK

April 9th, 2014 1 Comment By Ian Wade

zxzzzzd1 300x187 Piranha drama blocks up sewers in UKPiranhas have been unleashed into the water system in Shropshire. Or to clarify, Water inspectors investigating a blocked sewer discovered the cause of the blockage was piranhas.


Fortunately these piranhas were dead, otherwise shit would’ve got a bit real and terrifying for a bit then, however as anyone knows, piranhas don’t actually attack you

In a statement, Severn Trent Water said: “It appears that a nearby resident had been disposing of dead fish, including piranhas, down the toilet and they had blocked the sewers. This is the second sewer blockage in the Shropshire area caused by odd items. In January, the company reported sewers in Ditton Priors near Bridgnorth were blocked by piles of pants that had been flushed down the toilet.”

Severn Trent inspectors, Matt Final and Jay Slater, who were sent to investigate the Telford blockage said: “We’ve certainly seen some weird things in the sewers over the years but we were a little shocked to remove piranhas. You wouldn’t think a fish of this size would fit down a toilet, but this is just one example of amazing things we find blocking the sewers.”

After an image of the killer fish appeared in a Shropshire newspaper, keen readers were quick to point out that it wasn’t piranhas after all. One reader said: “Those are not piranhas, they appear to be some sort of cichlid, possibly Malawian. Piranhas have extremely small scales and a fused lower jaw. Not to mention the fin and body structure is all wrong.”

“Having been an avid fishkeeper for many years as well as having a degree in marine and freshwater biology, I get extremely frustrated when fish are mislabled, especially when everyone jumps to the piranha as a default for a large fish.”

What’s more important here is that some nutter flushed their undercrackers down the toilet. What sort of nutjob sticks their undies down a toilet?

The hazards of charity shop shopping…

April 8th, 2014 2 Comments By Thewlis

naked  300x228 The hazards of charity shop shopping...When times are tight, turning to charity shops could seem like a good idea. It’s a win/win situation- charities get cash and you get a cheap deal. But it seems even shopping at charity shops is too hot for some.

Police in Wiltshire are looking for a ‘polite’ man who likes to get back to basics when doing his charity shopping. The man in question tried on a number of items of clothing in the shop in Malmesbury, before deciding to peruse the shoe section with naked feet. As well as a naked everything else. The shop assistant asked the “flabby and rounded” man to please put his clothes back on, and he did so, before leaving the shop.

The man is described as being aged between 40 and 45, of stocky build and between 5ft 6ins and 5ft 8 ins tall. He has brown and grey hair cut in a short back and sides, and was wearing a pink tee shirt, medium grey joggers and dark training shoes. At least some of the time. Anyone with any information on the charity shop streaker is asked to contact Wiltshire Police.

Spoilsports. That was the best thrill some pensioners have had in ages…

Co-op: Taking over more pubs

April 8th, 2014 2 Comments By Ian Wade

Co op 292x300 Co op: Taking over more pubsThe Co-op, when not being beleagured by palaver, is planning on turning 54 former Marston’s pubs into stores.

That means, less time spent feeling wonderful while supping on a lovely ale and more time idly staring at tubs of dips and pizzas with chutney on them.

The Co-op opened 291 convenience stores in the past 12 months, and sales in this channel were up 6.1% in volume and 9.1% to March 1. However, thanks to us all liking beer, these c-stores have been a bit controversial when CAMRA got a bit narked at Co-op turning 208 pubs into hummus-fests since 2012.

These leases run for 15 years as well, so if your favourite pub gets closed down, you’ll have to find somewhere else to drink. For the record, it doesn’t seem like Co-op are commandeering park benches, so there’s always that.

New River still has 148 former pubs and claims: “The remaining part of the portfolio will be conventional conversions from public house use to c-stores, or redeveloped as standalone convenience retail stores.”

“New River will undertake all planning, development and contract requirements to deliver the end product to The Co-operative Group. It is expected that the majority of the completed assets will be delivered within two years.”

woman on the phone 243x300 Newsflash. If you leave rude pictures on your smartphone, your phone repair man might look at them.You know how it is. Every now and then you feel the need to take ‘explicit’ photographs of yourself and save them in your phone. We’ve all got a boob selfie hanging around. However, when handing said porno-phone in to be fixed, surely it might occur to you that the spotty youth working in a phone repair shop might have nothing better to do than scroll through your camera roll. With one hand.

That’s exactly what happened to some Welsh girls recently, where 35 year old Lee Hawkes,  not only looked at sexy pictures of some female customers, but then proceeded to downloaded dozens of images of two women for his own personal use. Eeyeuw.

When police raided his shop, Get Connected in Brecon, Powys, they found 48 images of a woman in her twenties in a series of different nude poses and 135 sexually explicit images of a woman in her thirties. 135 images? She must have been really bored that day.

Mr Hawkes came a cropper (amongst other things) when he showed the images to a “gobsmacked” colleague, who was unconvinced by Hawkes’ claims that this was normal behaviour practised “industry wide”.

Hawkes was found guilty of voyeurism and inappropriate access to data and sentenced to four months, although the sentence was suspended for 12 months. He also has to go on the sex offenders register for being the 21st century equivalent of a peeping tom.

PC Gareth Tanswell said after the case, “People’s mobiles carry a vast amount of personal data and images these days, and they expect to be able to trust those that they give access to them for repair, maintain or for advice purposes.” While all completely true, in the real world, you could consider just removing the photos from your phone when giving it to someone else. There’s a thought.

Superhero outfits now more super!

March 27th, 2014 4 Comments By Ian Wade

zxzxzx3 300x300 Superhero outfits now more super!Do you like dressing up as a superhero? Would you like a superhero suit with some special powers other than the slightly unsavoury ones you get up to in said suit?


Well then, hurrah all round, as Marvel have teamed up with Morph Costume Co to launch a range of interactive outfits! The suits – based on Spider-Man, Iron Man, Wolverine, Captain America or Deadpool – now come with an augmented reality app.

And, get this, the costumes also have an augmented reality add-on, which means that they have ‘built-in super powers’ if you purchase the associated smartphone app.

Morphsuits co-founder Gregor Lawson said: “Creating Marvel costumes has long been a dream of ours and they are easily the most popular requests from our fans – we’ve had over 50,000 searches for Spider-Man alone on our website.

“So when the opportunity arose we wanted to make sure they were the best costumes ever produced and that’s what we have achieved. We have added augmented reality markers that bring super powers to life – enabling wearers to virtually sling webbing from Spider-Man’s hands, fire repulsors from Iron Man’s palms or unleash Wolverine’s Adamantium claws. We haven’t quite cracked invincibility, Spidey senses or accelerated healing yet, but we’re working on it.”


Actually amazing.

It’s going to make your next Fathers For Justice protest or potential sex-ups quite an experience. However festival season may become even more intolerable.

Vimto gets a rebrand with a toad

March 26th, 2014 3 Comments By Ian Wade

Vimto is being relaunched with a toad.

The drinks brand has new-look packaging, and has introduced ‘Vimtoad’, a novelty Northern-style mouthpiece created by Aardman Animations.

ZXZZZZX4 333x500 Vimto gets a rebrand with a toad

While no evidence exists of toads liking Vimto – although we’re aware that crows find Kia-Ora ‘too orangey’ thanks to being citrus intolerant – this will, the company hopes, boost sales as well as helping expand a No Added Sugar range for the healthier set.

Which is a bit strange, as Vimto was originally as a ‘health tonic’ back in 1908. Great days.

Vimto brand manager Clare Brown says, “Vimtoad and our new packaging will continue to appeal to our young consumers while also attracting a wider audience”.

The name is still an anagram of ‘vomit’ though.