Ladies nether regions to smell of peaches

November 20th, 2014 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

peach Ladies nether regions to smell of peachesSome blokes have decided that they don’t like the smell of a lady’s parts, so at a tech conference, they unveiled their plans for a probiotic drink which will make vaginas smell like a ripe peaches.

Insert your own ‘life’s a peach’ pun here.

Austen Heinz and Gilad Gome have come up with ‘Sweet Peach’ and it also aims to stop the ladies getting yeast infections and the like, however, there’s no hiding the fact that you might be in bed with a woman and she’ll hum of fake peach scent. It’ll be like standing in an outlet of bath bombs.

Heinz says: “The idea is personal empowerment. All your smells are not human. They’re produced by the creatures that live on you.”

They’ve got other ideas too – they want to release a product that makes dog crap smell like bananas. Fake banana smell is probably the only thing worse than actual faeces.

Of course, they haven’t mentioned whether they’ll do anything to make a bloke’s ballbag smell like passion fruit, or whether they’ll develop something that’ll make jizz taste like Wham! bars, but there you go.

This morning, Great Anglia Rail reported delays on one of their services. Always annoying when one of your trains is held-up, but this one piqued the interest.

The delay was because of ‘an unusually large passenger’.

B237fqtIAAASIeV 500x375 Great Anglia Rail delay, thanks to ‘an unusually large passenger’

Spotted by Amy Gray on Twitter, commuters must’ve wondered what in the blazes was going on. It’s one thing being so large you hold a train up, but this passenger was such a behemoth that they were holding up TWO services!

Naturally, the truth of the matter is quite tedious. The word ‘flow’ was cut off the end of the message.

Cars getting too big for car parks

November 20th, 2014 No Comments By Ian Wade

car parking 225x300 Cars getting too big for car parksCars are getting bigger and car parking spaces are getting smaller, according to a new report.

A rise in minor accidents and the like is costing UK drivers around £750 million a year in repairs and, apparently there’s more than 500,000 collisions per year – working out at approximately 1,373 per day.

The Accident Exchange report revealed that car park incidents are second to rear-end shunts as the most common car mishap, costing motorists an average of £1,428 each time to repair.

The report says there were an estimated 2.2million accidents on UK roads in 2011 of which ‘general car park incidents’ represented nearly a quarter (22.78%) of the total.

A spokey for Accident Exchange said: “Most parking incidents take place at slow speeds but that does not stop motorists damaging doors, wheels, bumpers and other parts of the bodywork.”

“A possible contributing factor is that today’s larger vehicles are now squeezing into smaller parking spaces.”

The findings that emerged from their survey of car parks was very illuminating, discovering that the average car park space is an eye-opening  7ft 9.5 inches (237.5cm.) However, the average car has grown in size over the years, and even the smallest models of yore have at least another foot added to their size.

Yet due to the pesky Transport Department, parking space sizes have remained the same since 1994

It’s no joy for the drivers either, they’re getting taller and fatter and are causing themselves pain trying to get out of tight spaces. Well, it needn’t be painful if you know how to work it.

Liz Fisher of Accident Exchange said: “Looking at the statistics, you’d think there is chaos in car parks up and down the country and that drivers are literally battling for spaces to park. But the fact is that drivers are having to squeeze their larger cars into smaller spaces and there are many more car journeys made than just a decade ago.”

Car parks being a load of rubbish – who would’ve ever thunk it?

Your webcam is probably being hacked by Russians

November 20th, 2014 4 Comments By Ian Wade

hackers Your webcam is probably being hacked by RussiansToday’s ‘not at all creepy. Oh no’ news now, and basically don’t get your bits out in front of a webcam ever again.

A Russian website is being shut down for streaming images stolen from the likes of baby monitors, bedroom cameras and CCTV.

The site has been featuring live feeds from basically anywhere that’s broadcasting on cam, including a gym in Manchester, a bedroom in Birmingham and an office in Leicester. The site’s database shows listings for 4,591 cameras in the US, 2,059 in France and 1,576 in the Netherlands.

The UK’s information commissioner Christopher Graham urged the Russian authorities to take immediate action to take down the site, but Russia being Russia at the moment, there’ll probably try and make an international incident out of it.

Graham also said he also would be working with the Federal Trade Commission in the US to try to force the site to close if the Russian authorities failed to cooperate.

Interviewed on BBC Radio 4’s Today programme, Graham said: “I’m very concerned about what this [website] shows and I want the Russians to take this down straight away … We now want to take very prompt action working with the Federal Trade Commission in the States to get this thing closed down. But the more important thing is to get the message out to consumers to take those security measures. If you don’t need remote access to a webcam then switch off that function altogether.”

WEBCAM HACK 500x351 Your webcam is probably being hacked by Russians

Graham also said consumers were too laid back about security: “We have got to grow up about this sort of thing,”

“These devices are very handy if you want to have remote access to make sure your child is OK, or the shop is alright, but everyone else can access that too unless you set a strong password. This isn’t just the boring old information commissioner saying ‘set a password’. This story today is an illustration of what happens if you don’t do that. If you value your privacy put in the basic security arrangements. It’s not difficult.”

The Russian site has been online for a month, and has already been the cause of some alert around the world. The UK have known about it for just over 24 hours.

So, watch out next time you do a broadcast. Your audience may be more global than you thought.

Twitter: now more searchable

November 19th, 2014 No Comments By Ian Wade

Twitter Logo1 Twitter: now more searchable Twitter have been changing a few bits and bobs around the site and now, the microblogging site announced that users can send URLs in Direct Messages once again, after having tinkered about with some maintenance work.

All weblinks sent via private message will automatically be shortened, and the option to share a public tweet via Direct Message is expected to be added in a subsequent update this week.

Twitter are also expected to roll out a new feature which will allow users to search through their tweet history rather than having to do so via third party sites and histories.

The company have been indexing and cataloguing all of your tweets, and should you wish to search for something you said in September 2011 that was really lol, then you don’t have to manually flick through 30,000+ tweets to find it.

As if that wasn’t enough, they’re also introducing an ‘instant timeline’ feature, which will show content from accounts that the user doesn’t follow. Which seems a little counter-productive, otherwise you’d follow those accounts already, no?

These and many other new features have been part of the company’s upgrades, since their last update in September which was designed to help newbies get started on the site, after they incorrectly assumed that Twitter is ‘just people talking about what they had for their lunch’. That joke’s been done. Get a new one.

tesco Man threatens to kill Tesco staff with a PHOTO of a gunA man has threatened to kill staff at Tesco in near Cambridge, which is a bit bleak isn’t it? However, there was a problem – he was holding a photograph of a gun.

Officers (real ones, not lifesize photocopies) were called to the supermarket after staff told the 999 operators that a man was threatening to kill them all, as well as waving around an image of a firearm.

A force spokeswoman said: “A 34-year-old man from Cambridge was arrested on November 12th on suspicion of making threats to kill. He was released on police bail to return to Parkside police station in Cambridge on January 14, 2015.”

A Tesco spokesman said: “This is now a matter for the police and we are helping them with their inquiries”.

Now, if you imagine everyone trying to stop themselves from laughing about the man and his photograph of a weapon while making their statements, you’re probably somewhere close to the truth of the situation.

On a serious note though, do be careful out there. If there’s people doing things like this, then soon, we might see people carrying a photocopy of a massive bomb or something.

Couple fined £100 for bad TripAdvisor review

November 19th, 2014 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

TripAdvisorscreencrop Couple fined £100 for bad TripAdvisor reviewA couple went to a hotel in Blackpool and they didn’t have a nice time. So, like many disgruntled customers, they complained about it on the internet. After leaving a critical TripAdvisor review, they found themselves being fined £100.

What?

Tony and Jan Jenkinson left some negative comments on the review site after being thoroughly unimpressed with their stay at the Broadway Hotel. Later, when checking their credit card bill, they found an erroneous £100 charge. The hotel, it turns out, has a policy where they take money from you for bad review.

Of course, the Trading Standards are now investigating as it looks like The Broadway Hotel has breached unfair trading practice regulations.

If you look at the hotel’s policy, which is contained in the booking document, it says: “Despite the fact that repeat customers and couples love our hotel, your friends and family may not. For every bad review left on any website, the group organiser will be charged a maximum £100 per review.”

You can almost admire the cheek.

If it is in the t&cs, then what is the excuse of the Jenkinsons? Well, when Mrs Jenkinson signed the papers, she didn’t have her glasses on so she couldn’t read the small print. Mr Jenkinson isn’t having any of that though. He is vowing to fight the fee, and told the BBC: “Annoyed isn’t strong enough for how I feel about this, what happened to freedom of speech? Everybody we have spoken to says they (the hotel) are not allowed to do this.”

Councillor John McCreesh, cabinet member for trading standards, said: “Customers need to be free to be honest about the service they’re getting. Other customers depend upon it. Hotel owners should focus on getting their service right rather than shutting down aggrieved customers with threats and fines.”

“People should have the right to vent their disappointment if a hotel stay did not meet their expectations and should not be prevented from having their say.”

Now a thing: Personalised Nutella

November 18th, 2014 3 Comments By Ian Wade

nutella david 285x300 Now a thing: Personalised NutellaWhat do you get the person who is really batshit for Nutella this Christmas? Why, a personalised pot of it.

Yes indeed, Nutella are doing special personalised pots of its spread in branches of Selfridges this year. The £3.99 for a 400g jar will seem meaningless once the object of your affection’s eyes light up upon unwrapping their own personal jar of brown gloop.

It’s not available online, but you can call 0800 123 400 and order there and collect in your nearest store.

This idea worked a charm for Coca-Cola. By simply putting human names on a product, you’ll find that everyone on the internet can’t wait to show something with the same name as them, thereby, doing a lot of free promotion for you.

Obviously this – as anything offering a personalised service – can be corrupted by miscreants and all manner of words can be put on the jars, not that we’re advising you get a jar and personalise it with something like “compacted faeces” or something like that.

But it’s Christmas time, there’s no need to be afraid (well, unless you have a nut allergy, and then you’re a bit doomed). Quite literally SPREAD the love. [you're fired - Ed.]

Struggling to get your loved one the perfect Christmas gift (oh, stop complaining about people talking about the festive period in November – we’re only a payday away from it) this year?

Want something that says: ‘I think you’re so great and contented that you need to be reminded of how cruel the world is.’

Well, welcome to Meaty Trumps, which is Top Trumps for those who loathe Tories and want to be reminded of everyone in the ’70s who sexually assaulted children! You can buy a ‘Tory Scum’ set or the Meaty Trumps ‘British Nonces’ pack.

meaty trumps 500x303 Meaty Trumps: A Christmas present of unsettling proportions

 

The company themselves say:

“Meaty Trumps was one of the first trump card games to be designed and mass-produced in England. My father, Harald Lutyan, designed and manufactured seven of the original sets between 1973–1977. These 1970s packs are still sought after today.”

“Meaty Trumps have been revived in 2014 under my supervision and in conjunction with Brown Jewel. The new editions take the same form as the originals – each pack consisting of 54 full-colour trump cards in a box. Each set is a limited edition of 2,000. Designed in Lancashire, England.”

Meaty Trumps also offer ‘Modern Despots’, ‘Recreational Drugs’ and ‘Shit Ideas’ too, among others. If this sounds like your things and you have £8 to spare, click here.

tumblr nbnwi6rXUK1tjg4wxo1 r1 1280 500x387 Meaty Trumps: A Christmas present of unsettling proportions

Christmas AdWatch: Cadbury and Vodafone

November 14th, 2014 1 Comment By Ian Wade

The Christmas advert season is in full swing now, with few left to showcase their festive wares. While it seems that we may have reached the peaks with Monty The Penguin and Sainsbury’s tribute to Paul McCartney’s ‘Pipes of Peace’ video, there are still some companies hoping to woo you in with imagery of stressed ordinary folk in woolly hats enjoying a reasonable Christmas.

Vodafone’s seasonal effort features a variety of scenarios wherein actors perform ‘Let It Go’ from that Frozen. It’s basically saying “hang out with Vodafone as we can offer Sky Movies and TV shows with NOWTV, included on Vodafone Red 4G”

They’ve also done the admin ahead for you hashtag-wise, with the unsightly #powertothefestive, which plumbs new lows in meaninglessness.

Meanwhile Cadburys have gone into the Christmas ad market with a tie-up with ITV. A series of adverts feature star “talent” from the station such as Fearne Cotton, Keith Lemon, Paddy McGuinness, Christine Bleakley, Phillip Schofield and Stephen Mulhern. Because Daniel Day Lewis was busy probably.

The tie-in with ITV will also see Cadbury’s sponsor Christmas programming on the channel, including Catchphrase Christmas Special and the All Star Family Fortunes Christmas Special.

According to Simon Daglish, group commercial sales director at ITV: “Cadbury are the perfect fit for this exciting and unique partnership with ITV to unwrap joy across the festive period. The innovative activity is a great example of how ITV can work closely with advertisers and talent across a number of platforms to deliver a highly dynamic and unique campaign.”

If the idea of Cadburys condoning Keith Lemon is enough to drive you off chocolate for life, then these adverts will have done their job.

Behold the novelty Tesco Christmas sweatshirt

November 14th, 2014 2 Comments By Ian Wade

Christmas jumpers. You either love them or hate them. Or just buy them anyway and go “Look at me! LOL!”

Somehow in recent years, what was seen as a bit naff has become quite a thing, and now everyone is making moves into this increasing lucrative market, with bands people such as Slayer, Queens of the Stone Age and the Wu Tang Clan offering variations on such festive themes.

Well anyway, some enterprising spark over on eBay has come up with a jolly cheery design, which takes Tesco’s Value range and spoofs that on a sweatshirt.

tesco jumper 500x487 Behold the novelty Tesco Christmas sweatshirt

Maybe Tesco are too busy with other concerns to worry about copyright on this occasion.

Unfortunately, for a value sweatshirt, it actually costs £18.95 (with another £2.95 post and packaging) and so the original chuckle is lost slightly at the expense of the wearer.

Anyway, if you fancy one, head here now before your works Christmas party, or whatever function requires you to dress up like a div.

Listen to the AWFUL Samsung rap

November 13th, 2014 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

Corporate raps are the worst thing on Earth. Far worse than deadly diseases, famine, war and Keith Lemon.

And so, to Samsung who seem to have lost their mind by releasing a corporate rap online. The rapper sounds suspiciously like Professor Green as well.

Anyway, listen as Samsung extols the virtues of their employment practises and throws in the word ‘handicapped’ like it’s no-one’s business.

We look forward to you lighting one up, getting turnt and throwing your hands up as you spit fire along with “family friendly company with kindergarten approval!”

Have a listen to this absolute nonsense before they take it offline.

This Samsung rap is ALMOST as bad as the Nando’s rap which features Melinda Messenger and, of all people, dance music royalty, Goldie. See how much your toes curl at this too.

“Remember to hide your fags” say government

November 12th, 2014 6 Comments By Ian Wade

cigarettes 300x242 Remember to hide your fags say governmentThe Department of Health has reminded retailers that they should prepare for the tobacco display ban which kicks in next April.

The display of tobacco products has been banned in stores over 3,000 sq ft since 2012 in England, Northern Ireland and Wales. Scotland followed suit a year later.

However from April 6th 2015, that will be extended to all stores, and anyone failing to comply with the new rules could face up to two years in prison or a fine or even both. Christ.

Public health minister Jane Ellison said: “With only five months to go before the legislation applies to all shops and businesses selling tobacco, I strongly encourage retailers to start preparing for the changes now.”

“Eye-catching displays of colourful cigarette packets can encourage young people to start smoking and undermine the resolve of adults who are trying to quit.”

We could quite easily get into a debate about how obscuring tobacco behind a till giving smokers grief versus how a whole aisle of alcohol must may make alcoholics feel, but now is not the time. The DoH have said that retailers could get support from the tobacco industry in making their displays compliant.

In the meantime, advertising of electronic cigarettes became okay as of 10th November, but that too may not be for long due to the European Tobacco Products Directive scheduled to come in from May 2016 would prevent the advertising of e-cigarettes on television and radio.

Ellison spoke of this final countdown by Europe and said: “More and more people are using e-cigarettes which is why we want to make sure they are properly regulated. We support the European directive’s proposed controls on e-cigarette advertising which will apply from  May 2016.”

Bitterwallet Facebook censorship Facebook forced Messenger migration racks up 500 million usersFacebook and their messenger app seems to have won over the initial haters and can now boast 500 million monthly active users.

So even though they’d pretty much forced their user base into it, and made a few subtle changes and added features, the app has now doubled the size of its base in the last six months.

Facebook cut off access to in-app chat and began requiring users to install Messenger to send, receive, and read messages, which explains the sudden surge in numbers.

Old Zuckerberg reckons people use Messenger differently to how they use WhatsApp, which is one of Facebook’s other affairs, giving them the combined messaging power of over a billion users.

Zuckerberg said recently that “Messaging is one of the few things people do more than social networking,”

“In a lot of countries we’ll see than 85 percent of people online use Facebook but maybe 95 percent, in some places 99 percent of people, will use SMS or send text messages. We thought that even though it was a short-term, painful thing to ask folks to use a separate messaging app, we knew we could never the quality of experience inside as just a tab in the main Facebook app. If we wanted to focus on really serving this well, we had to build a dedicated and focused experience.”

It’s all steps on the ongoing road that is the future for Facebook messaging, where they’re looking into such things as engaging directly with companies via message and making payments to chums.

Tesco and the Remembrance Poppy pizza

November 11th, 2014 3 Comments By Ian Wade

remembrance pizza 300x300 Tesco and the Remembrance Poppy pizzaAs the nation assembles to commemorate the 100th anniversary of WW1, and stops to remember those who fought and fell for us to be here, it would seems the noble poppy has made its debut on a pizza.

Yes, that’s right. A remembrance pizza has now entered the realm of ‘being a thing’.

This picture, taken by someone called Ian Vaughan on Twitter, of Tesco Gatwick Extra’s pizza desk on Sunday, has gone viral and been mostly applauded. Surely some people would think it borderline sacrilegious to chew, eat and crap-out a remembrance poppy?

Anyway, it’s based on the store’s thin and deep crust pizzas with slices of pepperoni, olives and strips of green pepper, recreating the tribute.

A Tesco spokesperson said: “What? You mean you don’t want to ask what’s gone shit-shaped in our troubled empire today?” and then composed themselves and said “Colleagues in stores have been marking Remembrance Sunday in a number of ways and we hope customers see that their intentions in this case were entirely borne out of respect.”

Bless them.

But otherwise: War. Huh! Good God y’all. What is it good for? Absolutely NOTHING.