Amazon t&cs include zombie attacks

February 10th, 2016 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

amazon logo 300x298 Amazon t&cs include zombie attacksAmazon announced their new game engine yesterday, called Lumberyard, and in the terms and conditions, they included exemptions that allow it to be used when zombies attack. Yes. You read that right. Zombies, in a multinational company’s t&cs.

What’s this Lumberyard all about? Well, if you don’t know what it is, basically, it is a free tool for developers so they can make their own games, provided they promise to buy cloud services for the games from Amazon. So far, so thrilling.

Like most things, there’s a bunch of restrictions in place from Amazon, but not anything stopping you during a zombie onslaught.

Have a look at the last couple of lines in this (click on the image to enlarge).

Ca2Tdu WIAE kx2 500x86 Amazon t&cs include zombie attacks

As you can see, rules will be lifted in the event “of a widespread viral infection transmitted via bites or contact with bodily fluids that causes human corpses to reanimate and seek to consume living human flesh, blood, brain or nerve tissue and is likely to result in the fall of organized civilization”.

Pretty dark, Amazon. Do they know something the rest of us don’t? It wouldn’t surprise us if Amazon are reanimated the dead to work in their warehouses for cheaper labour, to be perfectly honest.

All hail the brilliant Tennent’s letter

February 10th, 2016 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

Someone in Scotland, taking the Michael of course, and apparently got in touch with Tennent’s basically asking them to organise a piss-up in a brewery, and Tennet’s ‘replied’.

A fan of the booze asked the beer vendors if they could “hold a giant sesh”, with references to happy hardcore royalty DJ Hixxy thrown in too. The response is doing the rounds and bringing cheer, which is all we ask for.

Here’s the letter.

tenants 437x500 All hail the brilliant Tennents letter

We’re particularly fond of the line that says: “‘I’m not sure if it was typo or a drug reference when you said your mate’s wee sister loves to get wined and lined but it won’t be happening in this establishment.”

George Kyle, head of PR at Tennent’s Lager, said: “We’re glad to say that the letter isn’t actually real. Someone’s just gone to extraordinary lengths to try and get a free pint – or a few retweets on Twitter.”

We hope they got some cans out of it, at least.

All hail the Ian Beale Nike trainers!

February 5th, 2016 3 Comments By Mof Gimmers

Did you know that you can get personalised trainers with your name on them, or whatever you want? Both Adidas and Nike do the personalised trainer thing, so when one fella decided to get some Nike runners with something on the back, he didn’t account for his mates mucking about.

Mid-order, Danny Hunter took his eye off the ball, leaving his computer unattended, and didn’t realise that his Roshe kicks said ‘Ian Beale’ on the heel.

And he pressed ‘buy’.

ian beale trainers All hail the Ian Beale Nike trainers!

The photo was whacked up on Facebook, where everyone had a lovely time laughing at the customised sneaks, and of course, making comments about the hairiness of Hunter’s ankles.

The comment again: “Danny Hunter made some trainers on Nike ID last week in college and someone has changed the personalised writing on the back to “Ian Beale” when he wasn’t looking, he orders them without double checking and they turn up to his door like this – 105 quid well spent best thing I’ve ever seen – Nike Roshe Run Ian Beale editions.”

Marvellous work. We want some Elsie Tanner trainers now!

Send someone a ‘mystery potato’

February 1st, 2016 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

hot potato 300x264 Send someone a mystery potatoEver wished that someone would declare their love to you with words written on a potato?

Well, they might if they hear about this baffling service where you can order a spud with a message written on by hand, by someone who has a felt-tip.

The site, Mystery Potato, allows you to order a personalise potato, which you send with a message on it, for around £5. Of course, you could just buy a bag of spuds down the shops, write on them yourself, and throw them at someone’s house, if you prefer.

Through this website, you can choose between a sweet potato or jacket potato, and tap in your message, and the company will fix it up for you, and send it anonymously to the object of your affections. No. Honestly. This is actually happening.

Jeff Kelly and Jim Owens, the people behind this venture, say that “potatoes are simple and they bring joy and confusion like you would not believe.”

“In these days of email, tweets, Snapchat, and Facebook messenger, sending someone something in the mail is starting to have a renewed power and impact – potatoes are just the thing to send in the mail.”

Now, imagine the horror of opening up a package and finding a cold, cooked potato in there. Knowing the postal services, it’d be more like mashed potato too. Anyway, if you want in, you know what to do.

Yesterday, we told you about Tony the Tiger pre-emptively blocking furries who wanted to send the fictional feline pictures of their nether regions.

Well, another pretend animal has been sidling up to these furries (we explained what they are in yesterday’s piece, but basically, it is grown humans who like dressing up as animals), sniffing around Tony’s cast-offs on Twitter.

No. Seriously.

chester slides in Chester Cheetah moves in on Tony the Tigers cast offs

It is 2016, and a mascot for cheesy crisps is winking at the sexual advances of actual adults on the internet.

chester 500x387 Chester Cheetah moves in on Tony the Tigers cast offs

So there you go. Tony is obviously a prude, while Chester Cheetah from Cheetohs world, is a mucky bugger. The key thing here – what does Coco The Monkey think about all this? Is he sliding into people’s DMs promising to make their milk turn chocolatey?

Tony the Tiger blocks furries on Twitter

January 28th, 2016 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

Some people lead sheltered lives, which of course, is perfectly fine. However, for those who have delved into the underbelly of sexual activity on the internet, you’ll know all about furries.

Furries, in short, are adults who like dressing up like animals, both real and fictional. And yes, some people get ‘a bit excited’ when it comes to those dressed up like wolves or whatever.

And so, to Frosties mascot, Tony the Tiger, who has been getting in all kinds of bother with randy furries, who just love his butch felinery.

tonytigerfurries Tony the Tiger blocks furries on Twitter

Furries are inundating Tony the Tiger’s Twitter account with all manner of lusty business. Some are straight-up trolling, some it seems, are not trolling at all.

One furry enthusiast tweeted: “@realtonytiger give me cummies daddy”, while another said: “Send dick pics @realtonytiger”. Just lovely, eh?

Well, Tony the Tiger is not having it (he doesn’t think this is grrreeaaat at all, etc etc) and has started blocking these people. He’s not the only one annoyed – people who are furries are embarrassed at the way some people are acting in the name of their community.

One tweeted: “At this point, I’m embarrassed to be a furry. Seriously people, shape up or get out. Quit hurting the community as a whole. #tonytigergate”

So there you go. You’ve either just despaired at the world, or you’ve just learned a new thing. Now, if you don’t mind, we’ve got to go and pick up our teddy bear outfit from the dry cleaners.

Condom machine won’t serve you if you’re drunk

January 26th, 2016 4 Comments By Mof Gimmers

condom Condom machine wont serve you if youre drunkObviously, we make a lot of stupid decisions when we’re drunk. Jumping off scaffolding for a dare, going to casinos and spunking our wages away, getting in scraps, and a whole load more.

We also have ill-advised hook-ups and sex, so anything that makes the process less likely to result in a pregnancy is good right? Well, not according to a machine called ‘Johnny Be Good’ (no, seriously). This machine, for some inexplicable reason, is activated by a breathalyser, and basically, if you’re bladdered, it won’t give you a condom.

This is the brainchild of Match, who found out that a third of single people have never shagged anyone for the first time, while completely sober. So, with that, they’ve launched an initiative to encourage everyone to have the chutzpah to date sober, and this breathalyser machine is just the job apparently.

Or people will take a chance on going bareback because they’re drunk and feeling a bit reckless.

And where are Match sharing this initiative and showing off their sober-nodder machine? Of course, they’ve got it positioned in a pub in London. That’s right – they’ve put it in a building where you go actively go to drink booze, and maybe get some Dutch-courage before you have to take your clothes off in front of a stranger.

Congratulations Match, on what might be the most redundant machine in the UK right now.

Behold! The Human Jelly Centibaby!

January 22nd, 2016 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

Have you seen the Human Centipede films? Chances are, you’ve not, because the premise is horrible and you don’t want nightmares. Well, how about this for a PG version – a jelly centibaby?

That’s right – a chap called ‘Remo’ bought some Aldi jelly babies, and on opening the packet, found this absolute monstrosity in it.

human centibaby1 Behold! The Human Jelly Centibaby!

As you can see, instead of a bag filled with separate babies, all lying there adorably, waiting for you to bite their heads off, this packet stars on giant cluster of melded together babies.

Is this good luck, like finding a four leaf clover? Or is it an ominous warning of bad luck, which means you’re going to wake up one day to find that you’ve been attached to a load of other people, in some dreadful genetic accident? Either way, you’d eat it.

[via Remo26599]

Chocolate on your fries at McDonald’s?

January 20th, 2016 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

Ever wanted chocolate on your chips? Ever looked at your fries and thought ‘hey, these could do with chocolate dribbled on them!’? Well, some people dip their McDonald’s fries in chocolate milkshake, so this could well be a thing people want. Of course, the very idea of this could be enough to make someone kick the crap out of their surroundings in anger, but there you go.

Well, McDonald’s are doing exactly that, with French fries covered in chocolate sauce. Just look.

choco fries 500x381 Chocolate on your fries at McDonalds?

No, that other stuff isn’t mayonnaise, but rather, customers are going to get a choice of milk or white chocolate (you can have them both at the same time if you like).

What are they called? We’re glad you asked – they’ve been named ‘McChoco Potatoes’. Spent ten minutes thinking up that name, eh Maccies?

Of course, these are being tried out in Japan, where McDonald’s always do their ‘experimental’ dishes. Apparently, and according to McDonald’s themselves, these rascals have a “wonderful salty and sweet harmonious taste”, and will be tried out on Japanese people from January 26th.

Would you give them a go, or are you too busy tutting about the very existence of McDonald’s in the first place?

Who fancies a jar of ‘bumgravy’?

January 14th, 2016 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

We’re all up for puerile behaviour at Bitterwallet (there’s still nothing funnier than a vicious, wet-sounding fart), and so, to a fella called Seamas O’Reilly who has been having some fun with the people at Selfridges, and their service where you can have ‘anything’ printed on a jar of Nutella.

O’Reilly has spent a couple of weeks persuading Selfridges to print all manner of things on personalised Nutella jars. Here’s a lovely one that says ‘bumgravy’ on it.

bumgravy 500x292 Who fancies a jar of bumgravy?

He’s done a few of these, including ‘backdirt’, which is rather mild. He then convinced staff to print him out ‘arsemuck’. When asked about the latter: “I convinced them it was an Irish name, for Arsenio or Arsene’.”

Seamas is quite the prankster, filling up the Metro with fake rush hour crushes, which you can see on his site, here.

Bloke is sent tumour instead of Kindle

January 11th, 2016 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

kindle  1  2331609b 300x187 Bloke is sent tumour instead of KindleWhen ordering anything online, there’s always a chance your parcel might get mixed up with another package. However, one fella called James Potten was expecting to receive a new Kindle, as he signed for his goods with a FedEx driver.

However, instead of getting an e-reader, he found himself holding a box that said “patient tumour specimen enclosed” on it. That’s quite the mix-up. This particular package was sent from California and was meant to end up at the Royal Free Hospital in London, but instead, ended up in Bristol on the kitchen table of Potten.

He said: “Presumably this is a very important package, that needs to get to the hospital as soon as possible. It is really bad that this has happened. This really should be with the hospital, not with me.”

“There is a reason it has been sent from America to London, and it could be wasting valuable time while it just stays here.”

Someone from the Royal Free Hospital said: “We understand the parcel delivery company is in the process of redelivering the package to the correct address. We expect the delivery company to contact all the institutions at the Royal Free Hospital site to establish the identity of the intended recipient.”

What a mistake to make. Maybe Potten can use the contents of the parcel for the innards of some homemade sausages of something.

2016: Enter the sex robots

January 7th, 2016 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

Bitterwallet robot love 294x300 2016: Enter the sex robotsPeople are speculating about what might be the biggest technology trend in 2016, and some people think it might be sex robots!

Now, ‘sex robots’ sound like some dreadful new wave synthpop band, but we’re talking about robots you get off with here, and Dr Helen Driscoll, who is apparently an authority on the psychology of sex reckons that robotic, interactive, motion-sensing tech is going to start appearing and being utilised more frequently in the grot-industries, over the next 12 months.

Of course, attitudes toward technology have shifted hugely in recent years, and seeing as people are much less shy about going to sex shops to buy vibrators (which are basically robots) and the like, it is likely that there’s going to be a move in this direction.

We can’t wait for some newspaper to start crying uncontrollably into their laps, with think-pieces about how humans are doomed and how we don’t have meaningful relationships with people anymore.

Anyway, Dr Driscoll thinks that robophilia is going to be very much a thing, as ‘sextech’ develops and attitudes change.

“We tend to think about issues such as virtual reality and robotic sex within the context of current norms,” she said. “But if we think back to the social norms about sex that existed just 100 years ago, it is obvious that they have changed rapidly and radically. As virtual reality becomes more realistic and immersive and is able to mimic and even improve on the experience of sex with a human partner; it is conceivable that some will choose this in preference to sex with a less than perfect human being.”

Dr Driscoll goes further, by suggesting that people will probably fall in love with our robot baes, and if that happens, we think there might be an end to trolling almost overnight.

Amazon customer receives ‘spiteful dildo’

January 5th, 2016 3 Comments By Mof Gimmers

amazon logo 300x298 Amazon customer receives spiteful dildoYou may have read the headline, and wondered what a ‘spiteful dildo’ might be. Is it something that nearly makes you orgasm, but decides not to at the last minute? Is it a dong that slags off your orifices on social media?

Mercifully not. This is the story about a young man called Pedro, who was scouring Amazon for a specialist art textbook. No, ‘specialist art’ isn’t a euphemism for anything dirty, either. Anyway, he found the book, ordered it, and on delivery, found he’d been given the wrong version. So far, so boring.

Pedro contacted Amazon’s customer service team to get the right version, and Amazon told him days later, that they couldn’t source it, and that he should return his book for a full refund. At this point, Pedro decided to leave a negative, disappointed review on the site, and assumed that’d be the end of it.

Then, something strange happened. According to our Pedro, he opened up Amazon again, and found that a giant dildo (for dildo enthusiasts, it was the ‘The Hulk 10.25-inch Huge Dong’) had been placed in his shopping basket.

He told Arstechnica: “If my best friend did it to me while I wasn’t watching, of course I would find it funny. I’m not a prude. The problem is, I was at the office, in an open space, with people behind me. A guy and two girls were sitting by me when I opened up Amazon and they saw the contents of my shopping basket.”

Who could do such a thing? Pedro thinks it was a customer service rep from Amazon, who was annoyed by his negative review. He took a screenshot, and then emailed Amazon to ask them what on Earth was going on. Eventually, he spoke to Andreas Mühlbauer of the “Executive Customer Relations” team at Amazon.

Mühlbauer apparently told Pedro that they were sorry, and that he’d “been in touch with the HR department” to make sure this didn’t happen again, and Pedro got himself a €100 voucher by way of apology.

We can’t confirm whether the voucher was spent on a massive dong or not. We’re guessing not.

All hail… actual tinfoil hats for the paranoid!

December 22nd, 2015 2 Comments By Mof Gimmers

Are you incredibly paranoid? Are you sitting around in a tinfoil hat that you’ve fashioned, eyes darting around in your skull, worried about your brain being fried by invisible government forces?

Well, stop that! Because someone has set up a Kickstarter where they’ll sell you a fashionable tinfoil hat, which won’t make you less crazy, but you won’t look quite as crackers.

The product is called ‘Shield: The World`s First Signal Proof Headwear’, and the makers say: “Somebody might say that it’s a specially designed hat for bouncing electromagnetic waves and radiation. But is it really so? Yes, it reliably reflects signals from cell phones, wi-fi routers, microwaves and it generally blocks all waves transmitted from electric devices. Moreover, it looks really cool! It is the most comfortable and functional headwear you have ever worn.”

10d62ec742b1ea2059a5fd1519e41ea1 original 500x336 All hail... actual tinfoil hats for the paranoid!

They continue: “We know that we need to say something more about the technology and design to grab your attention and trust, so here we go. To achieve the signal proof quality we use unique fabric (pure silver) which is 100% antimicrobial, antiodor, washable and was originally produced for military purposes and we put it between the hat’s layers.”

You can buy a tinfoil beanie or a tinfoil cap, depending on what your steez is, which both come with “special integrated signal proof fabric.”

a196925353cc5c48ffb5f9fead980c37 original 500x336 All hail... actual tinfoil hats for the paranoid!

You can also buy these hats for newborns too, and of course, they’re unisex.

The makers add: “Shield offers the right headwear suitable for every situation. You do not have to be paranoid or into conspiracy theories. Just take our signal proof hat and protect your head. You never know.”

The hats are also “antibacterial, antimicrobial, antiradiation, antiodor, antistatic, and radar and infra-red invisible.” They also have “electric field shielding (EMI), radiofrequency shielding (RFI) and microwave shielding.”

If you want in, click here to find out more.

Tesco cash machine gives out free money

December 18th, 2015 2 Comments By Mof Gimmers

Tesco haven’t been very popular of late, so they must have wondered what was going on when they were swamped by people last night. Turns out that one of their cash machines was giving out free money!

The machine was doling out double the amount of money that was asked for, giving out £20 notes instead of £10 notes. It really is the dream.

free cash ATM Tesco cash machine gives out free money

This ATM was in Manchester’s student area of Fallowfield, so you can imagine – word got around quickly and everyone started rinsing it for everything it had. Just in time for Christmas as well. The kids will be on the balloons this weekend.

The whole thing lasted for around an hour.

Tesco Bank are looking into the whole thing to see what the damage is and who they can blame. However, looks like they’ll have to take this one on the chin and accept the loss as an error. They’ll ask customers who used the cash machine for the money back, but you suspect that every single one of them will laugh in Tesco’s face.