Asda recall explosive prosecco

October 23rd, 2014 4 Comments By Ian Wade

Hold up boozers, Asda are recalling Prosecco because it keeps exploding, going off like a stag do’s trousers.

The supermarket’s Prosecco Spumante Extra Dry has been withdrawn from sale following complaints that the bottles keeping shattering.

The quite snipular £5.48 Italian wine, which is exclusive to Asda in the UK, is actually described as “a delicious sparkler exploding with zesty lemon”. Not literally, arf!

Basically if you have any of these:  L1402606, L1403271, L1403503, L1403655, L1404044, then get thee back to Asda sharpish.

asda pro 300x245 Asda recall explosive prosecco

An anonymous spokesman for Asda said anonymously “We have had a handful of complaints about our Prosecco Spumante Extra Dry bottles shattering,”

“We take this incredibly seriously as our customer and colleague safety is paramount to us, which is why we’ve recalled certain lot numbers of this product as a precaution.”

If you think you may affected, then take your bottle back to Asda and they’ll sort you with a refund or something.

Dyson unveil a humidifier for mad people

October 22nd, 2014 3 Comments By Ian Wade

dyson humidifier 114x300 Dyson unveil a humidifier for mad peopleDyson have unveiled a humidifier!

The until-now-quite-hoovery Dyson has launched the HumiMain (which doesn’t sound particularly catchy, but give it time) which uses its Air Multiplier fan technology and claims to tackle health issues around dry air and bacteria.

It’s not the first time the company have used this design, as they originally brought out the bladeless Air Multiplier fan in 2009. In 2011 it updated the fan as a heater and is now launching the technology as a humidifier.

And so they should, seeing as they’ve thrown £37.5 million at the project, and went through 643 protoypes.

Apparently the humidifier uses Ultraviolet cleansing technology to kill 99.9% of bacteria used in the product’s water. Do we really want that much bacteria killing? Either way, great news for nutters out there who feel like they’re being swamped by micro-bugs.

There’s a climate control system to measure the temperature and moisture in the air, while a fancy-sounding piezoelectric transducer in the base vibrates at up to 1.7 million times a second – breaking the water down into microscopic particles which are drawn up into the loop amplifier and projected.

According to Dyson, the machine can run for up to 18 hours on a single tank of water: “It projects clean, hydrated air around the room evenly and quietly. Helping you keep healthy in the winter, and doubling up as a fan to keep you cool in the summer.”

It’s being launched in Japan first, as they have a culture of humidifiers, and will be launched in the UK next March. Perfect for summer, if you’re a lunatic.

The bill? Oh, Jesus is paying for it

October 22nd, 2014 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

jesus christ 225x300 The bill? Oh, Jesus is paying for itYou may have heard the phrase “let Jesus take the wheel”, but letting Jesus Christ of Nazareth pick up the tab when you’ve had a gutful of food and horsed a load of booze into you? That’s a new one on us.

However, that’s exactly what one woman in Lawton, Oklahoma did after she had a lovely evening in a restaurant where she may or may not have broken the gluttony commandment.

Of course, trying to fob your bill off onto a deity isn’t the best idea because, as you know, Jesus doesn’t have a credit card (debt is a sin) and the holes in the palms of his hands means he can’t hold loose change. Kristi Rhines was arrested on the scene by baffled police members at Mexican restaurant El Chico.

It started off reasonably well when Kristi told staff members that she had no way of paying, because her husband would be along to settle the tab.

Sadly for staff, Rhines was convinced she was married to Jesus Christ. Funnily enough, she has no official wedding license. However, she was sure of the return of Christ and that he would “be able to walk in and produce U.S. currency to pay for her bill.”

Rhines with fraud and booked her into the Lawton City Jail.

Kristi could’ve avoided this whole nonsense simply by staying at home and making Jesus cook for her. She would’ve only had to buy one fish and a loaf.

Lady protects house from the future

October 22nd, 2014 9 Comments By Ian Wade

a child on the internet 300x182 Lady protects house from the futureA pensioner from West Sussex has spent a small fortune renovating her house against WiFi.

Stefanie Russell has spent £4,000 covering her house in four thick coats of ray-repelling paint and has banned mobile phones and computers from her home, as she believes they threaten her health. Stefanie from Steyning, West Sussex, also uses a special device to detect unwanted signals in her house.

She claims that her sensitivity to the rays are responsible for frequent headaches and bouts of nausea.

She also believes that the severity of her condition means that she cannot travel on public transport due to the number of portable devices being used. Adjusting her tin foil hat, Ms Russell said: “I’ve not been diagnosed by a doctor but my GP surgery is aware of my condition.”

“Every time I am near WiFi or mobile phone signals I feel ill. It makes it difficult for me to get around and see people. I don’t touch the internet or email – it’s not safe”.

She’s been assured that she will not have unwanted WiFi guests coming into her home. Stefanie also fears for the children, for the children are the future.

“Schools could use broadband instead of WiFi, protecting them from early exposure to radiation. This is important – exposing them at an early age is essentially cooking our children.”

And there, at ‘cooking our children’, we must leave Stefanie. Bless.

Frozen food is uncool say the young

October 21st, 2014 No Comments By Ian Wade

Frosty Freezer 300x225 Frozen food is uncool say the youngYoung people don’t dig frozen food.

Or so that’s what a new survey claims, as it discovered that 18-34 year olds were twice as likely to dislike food stored in the freezer than those codgers over 35.

These fascinating findings come from IGD ShoperVista, who surveyed over 4,000 UK adults about their food storage solutions.

It transpires that many of the younger age group only used the freezer to store meat with a close use-by date and “unwanted food gifts”. Many considered food in their freezer an “insurance policy” for when no better options are available, and keep fun stuff like poppers and six-box of Magnums in their freezer instead.

Despite not being fans of frozen food, a quarter of 18-34-year-olds feel they have insufficient room in the freezer. Only 14% of over-35s also felt this to be an issue. Over half of those questioned in both age groups, said that they used their freezer for frozen food rather than freezing home cooked leftovers.

Yet it seems for the younger group, which represented only those who live away from home and do not have children, whatever is in their freezer is gash. Also: defrosting is a bit of a drag.

It all may sound a bit bleedin’ pointless, but this information comes as part of the IGD’s ‘Working On Waste’ campaign, which is trying to tackle these issues and change modern attitudes to leftovers and leaving something in the freezer for the best part of five years.

IGD chief executive, Joanne Denney-Finch says: “In its first year, Working on Waste will reach around 650,000 employees in one month through meal planning advice, top tips, what to do with leftovers and much more,”

“As an industry, we employ 3.6 million people and it is these employees that will form the bedrock of our campaign, taking learnings from their company into their households. A lot of progress has been made already by companies across the industry to help consumers reduce household food waste. However, seven million tonnes of food and drink is still being thrown away by UK homes every year.”

People often like to have a bit of fun with their online orders. Someone asked for their shopping to be delivered by someone in a penguin suit (and they obliged) while others have given dinosaurs with orders.

Well, one hungry redditor ordered a couple of pizzas with some caveats.

B0djzzdCMAAdtmA Behold the silly pizza order about spiders and revenge!

As you can see, the customer asked for a crispier than normal pizza crust with the note of “if that’s not vague enough – make it like you’re taking revenge on a cheating boyfriend BUT you still want to reconcile in the not too distant future.” As for the delivery guy, he was told to keep an eye out for a spider called Frank.

There’s three potential responses to this:

1. Urgh! Arseholes! Why won’t they let people just do their jobs without being so bloody wacky and trying to get internet famous all the time! I hope they spat on their pizzas!
2. Aw! How funny! Adding a little humour to the mundane! How fantastic!
3. $20 for two pizzas? Sign me up!

You can decide which category you fall in for yourself.

Waterstones lock Texan in their shop

October 17th, 2014 2 Comments By Mof Gimmers

An American who was visiting London, decided to pop into a branch of Waterstones to look at some books. However, he was so engrossed in his shop that he didn’t realise that all the customers had left and the staff had gone home for their chicken kievs and locked the building.

The staff, naturally, didn’t notice him either.

waterstones trapped 500x280 Waterstones lock Texan in their shop

The Texan spent all night alone in the empty shop, sending out a tweet or two while he was there. Of course, it wasn’t long before #waterstonestexan was hatched up and everyone jumped on it.

waterstones trapped 2 Waterstones lock Texan in their shop

waterstones trapped 3 Waterstones lock Texan in their shop

Some people were less concerned and thinking more about consumer hacks. We suspect Bitterwallet readers wouldn’t need telling to get their loyalty cards swiped throughout the night.

waterstones trapped 4 Waterstones lock Texan in their shop

Just after midnight, the Texan was freed from the Waterstones shop, presumably after helping himself to a coffee from the cafe in the store and creasing the spine on some books just to annoy future customers.

waterstones trapped 5 500x301 Waterstones lock Texan in their shopThe story doesn’t end there though. After becoming a Twitter sensation (mostly people taking the piss, of course), David Willis tweeted “I’m free” before telling his girlfriend he was okay.

waterstones trapped 6 Waterstones lock Texan in their shop

Oh well.

Facebook and Apple offering frozen egg service

October 16th, 2014 No Comments By Ian Wade

Mildly creepy news now, as Apple and Facebook are offering to freeze eggs for female employees.

In an interesting approach to try and expand their appeal for more females on their workforce, Apple said it would offer the perk to US-based staff from January.

“Apple cares deeply about our employees and their families, and we are always looking at new ways our health programmes can meet their needs,” said the company.

“We continue to expand our benefits for women, with a new extended maternity leave policy, along with cyropreservation and egg storage as part of our extensive support for infertility treatments … We want to empower women at Apple to do the best work of their lives as they care for loved ones and raise their families.”

It all sounds a bit Demon Seed really.

This, and other initiatives are said to be the doing of new human resources head Denise Young Smith, who is all for diversity and that. Facebook offers up to $20,000 (£13,000) for egg freezing for female employees. The company also offers adoption and surrogacy assistance.

Of course, they won’t actually be using the eggs to experiment on and try and build the first Google Child. That’s not going to happen. Oh no.

We Really Want… an invisible umbrella

October 16th, 2014 8 Comments By Mof Gimmers

All the best gadgets are the ones that are thoroughly pointless. You don’t need a tablet. You could easily live without remote controls. So with that, let us get excited about the fancy, but ultimately pointless invisible umbrella.

Even though trad. arr. umbrellas work pretty fine on their own, there’s a Kickstarter project that has developed an umbrella that replaces waterproof fabric for a force field. You heard. A force field.

And it has already raised and surpassed its $10,000 goal by three times.

If you can’t be bothered watching the video, basically, the umbrella is a rod that comes in three models, which basically are different from each other due to battery life and length.

“It’s a real ‘invisible umbrella,’ which takes advantage of the air flow as shelter from the rain,” the campaign page says.

It’s basically a plastic rod with a motor inside that sucks air in one end and blows it out at the other, creating an air blade that redirects the rain away from you, and onto anyone walking by.

Now for some sentences with double entendres: Model A is designed for women and will be 12 inches long and last for 15 minutes. Model B will be 20 inches long and will blow stuff out of the end for half an hour. Model c is extendible to 32 inches and will give you 30 minutes of satisfaction while you grip the shaft.

Thing is, this is quite heavy and probably quite noisy, so why have all these people coughed up their money to fund it? Have they spotted another use for it? Maybe you can make a bong out of it or something sex related?

Or is it just a case of people being tired of drying umbrellas indoors or they’ve had enough of them blowing inside out on wet, windy days? Or is the funding propelled by tall people who are tired of getting an umbrella in the eye?

One thing’s for certain – they have some design work to do as currently, it looks really very ugly.

air umbrella 500x246 We Really Want... an invisible umbrella

If you want to find out more about it, visit the Kickstarter here.

More video messaging solutions courtesy of Qik

October 15th, 2014 No Comments By Ian Wade

qik 300x285 More video messaging solutions courtesy of QikJust in case you weren’t keeping up to date with video messaging, along comes Qik. Qik was originally an app that came as part of the deal with Skype, but now Microsoft is trying to big it up as a separate thing.

According to Dan Chastney and Piero Sierra on Skype’s Big Blog: “A small team of Skype designers and developers recently took up the challenge to build a new app to run alongside Skype and provide an ongoing form of video chat.”

“They knew they had to create something mobile and lightweight, as spontaneous as messaging but as intimate as calling. And it had to be fun and easy to use. What they created was Skype Qik.”

Qik works on Google Android, Apple iOS, and Windows Phone gadgets. You can do 43 seconds of video footage to share over the internet, and then two weeks later it’s deleted. Like Snapchat, but with a longer tail.

The videos can be sent to multiple people simultaneously, who can reply in kind if they have Qik installed. If not, they get a text message with details about how to download it

Users can also records five-second GIFs, dubbed Qik Flik, to use if they are offline, but this can be only used on Android and iOS.

Skype bought Qik back in 2011 for $100 million and marketed it as a simple video chat app. But as Snapchat and a host of other firms started having success with short-lived picture and video apps, Microsoft decided to get in the game with this new software.

Internet security at risk from poodles

October 15th, 2014 No Comments By Ian Wade

poodle Internet security at risk from poodlesGoogle’s security team – imagine some detective types with torches, illuminating the dark passageways of the internet – have discovered a potential vulnerability in SSL 3.0.

Google reckon that SSL 3.0 is an insecure, obsolete protocol that has since been superseded. But even when servers support the more secure TLS 1.0, TLS 1.1 or TLS 1.2, the downgrading that takes place between servers and clients can be exploited using a POODLE (Padding Oracle On Downgraded Legacy Encryption) attack.

Bodo Möller from Google’s security team points out that this move will “break some sites” and the advice is to support TLS_FALLBACK_SCSV instead, at least for the time being. OR THE POODLES WILL GET YOU.

Basically an attacker can force this protocol downgrade to take place by preventing the initial connection from taking place. The encryption used in SSL 3.0 is fairly easily cracked and a relatively simple attack can then be used to intercept and decrypt secure cookies.

What that means is that hackers could steal browser cookies and potentially end up controlling your email, bank details and social network accounts.

So yes. BEWARE POODLES! Not only that – these POODLES are similar to another vulnerability called Firesheep. It seems that the internet is under threat from animals that have fluffy fur.

These problems will only affect people who haven’t updated their browsers in a while, so if you’re using Internet Explorer 6, you may find your computer filling up with wool. So update your browser now, y’idiot.

Shopper gets hit by 25mph mobility scooter in Tesco

October 15th, 2014 6 Comments By Mof Gimmers

mobility scooter 300x168 Shopper gets hit by 25mph mobility scooter in TescoIf you’re shopping at a Tesco in Plymouth, you’d better watch out because it sounds like there’s gangs of hoodlums charging about on mobility scooters.

One shopper has been injured after he was sent flying by an old bloke on his mobility scooter.

Bruce Storr, the man on the receiving end, reckons that the old coot was doing around 25 mph when he got hit, chipping a bone and leaving him hurt and confused. Police are investigating the collision that happened in the Plymouth Tesco, but the driver has not been charged by the cops.

Now, mobility scooters don’t actually go faster than 8mph, but Bruce Storr is a 67 year old lorry driver and he is sure that it was going three times the speed of that.

He said: “I was at the paper stand picking up a newspaper when he came shooting out of the aisle where they keep the videos and DVDs. It was doing about 25mph – being a HGV driver I am a very good judge of speed.”

“Hit me on the backside. I was knocked backwards by a good five or six feet and landed on my shoulder and my head. I was on the floor when the ambulance came and they took me to A&E. The police were also there and spoke to witnesses and took statements. I didn’t see much else but my Granddaughter said he was a grumpy old man, swinging his legs around like he didn’t care. He didn’t apologise.”

Remember that – lorry drivers are a very good judge of speed.

A spokesman for Devon and Cornwall Police said: “The man was taken to hospital with minor injuries and police attended the scene. Inquiries are ongoing.”

Anyone for an Ebola toy?

October 15th, 2014 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

Want to get your loved one something special for Christmas this year? Maybe you want to get them a weekend break in Italy? Perhaps you want to buy them jewellery?

Or maybe you want to buy them some Ebola?

Well, if the latter is your thing, we’ve got just the thing as there’s an Ebola plush toy you can buy from a company called GIANTmicrobes®, who are dedicated to making toys “designed as a teaching tool to help small children learn about the importance of handwashing.”

ebola toy Anyone for an Ebola toy?

It’ll set you back $9.95 for one a million times the size of actual Ebola, or if you’d like a gigantic version, that’ll cost you $29.95, with an additional $14.95 for the accompanying petri dish.

You’d be advised from avoiding taking your Ebola onto a plane though, for fear of men in frightening suits coming to throw you off onto the airport tarmac.

Click here if you want to buy one.

Free prawn sandwich with Roy Keane books

October 11th, 2014 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

Roy Keane has been having a pop at just about everyone on Earth in his latest book.

Tesco, ignoring their recent troubles, decided to have a giggle at the whole thing and do a creative/sarcastic promotion for the book by offering prawn sandwiches to those who bought a copy.

BzqpII3IMAA3BiN 333x500 Free prawn sandwich with Roy Keane books

 

Well played Tesco.

[via @Fozzington]

Wee in the shower- save time, money and water

October 10th, 2014 5 Comments By Thewlis

shower 300x200 Wee in the shower  save time, money and waterWhile some people might think there are more sanitary things to worry about, saving water on toilet flushing is not a new idea- you can already buy things to put inside your cistern to prevent the tank filling, giving you a smaller and less powerful but more economical flush (although this can presumably cause its own problems on certain occasions)- and who can forget the questionable “if it’s yellow, let it mellow” approach to flushing.

But although this latest news might sound like a toilet humour joke, some students at the University of East Anglia (UEA) have actually launched a campaign to encourage people to take a slash in the shower instead of using the toilet. The campaign is called Go with the Flow.

Students Chris Dobson and Debs Torr have looked into it and have calculated that the water saving benefits could be huge. They said that if all of UEA’s 15,000 students took their first wee of the day whilst they were having their morning shower, they could save enough water over a year to fill an Olympic-sized swimming pool 26 times.

But in case Olympic swimming pools aren’t enough to incentivise you, they’ve also calculated how much money you would save by not flushing that first time in the morning. Based on a cost of two pence per flush, you could save £7.30 annually. Presumably this saving is per person who would otherwise have flushed, meaning student houses could save a fortune.

But don’t worry about the hygienic aspects, the campaign has got that covered because the students spoke to a professor (of wee?) and researched the potential health risks of weeing in the shower before they started the campaign. “As long as the water is flowing there is no hygiene risk as urine is sterile,” they said, although they did add that they would “encourage that every person using the same shower consents to the challenge and if not that they don’t take part.” We foresee some interesting house share meetings.

The two students are representing UEA in the Npower Future Leaders Challenge to inspire students to come up with an environmental initiative for their campus.

Mr Dobson said: “We’ve done the maths, and this project stands to have a phenomenal impact. Imagine how big an impact it could have if we could get everyone in East Anglia, or even the UK, to change their morning habits.

But he did admit that “the campaign has been really divisive – people either seem to love it or hate it.” Funny that.

Still, if you need one final thing to convince you to wee down your own legs, you can win one of 15 £10 vouchers by going on Facebook or Twitter and telling all of your (former) friends and followers that you wee in the shower, using the hastag ‘#gowiththeflow’.