congratulate Scotland on their independence

September 19th, 2014 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

The Scottish Independence Referendum (or, ‘neverendum’ for those who have been furiously bored by the whole thing) has had a lot of people debating and musing, and when that happens, you can bet your ass that a load of people in marketing are looking at ways of getting on board with the whole thing. got a bit trigger happy, congratulating the Scottish on their new found independence… that didn’t happen.

IMG 0864 381x500 congratulate Scotland on their independence


What with Scotland still being part of Britain for the time being, the email will have no doubt offered Scots a painful glimpse into a future they could’ve had, where they could’ve had a bunch of navy blue things in their houses.

Obviously, navy blue things are banned now. realised their error and sent another email out, which was inspired by the Union Jack, which will serve to offer certain Scots the bleak realisation that they’re tied to David Cameron for a while yet.

IMG 0867 347x500 congratulate Scotland on their independence


Now, all Scottish people who voted ‘Yes’ will be required to store all their broken dreams in a £179 ‘Jack Upholstered storage box’ while watching their hopes float away while sat on a £769 ‘Edward Jack Armchair’.

Cruel business this politics lark.

Boy drops first iPhone6 on TV

September 19th, 2014 3 Comments By Mof Gimmers

Imagine for a second, you’re the kind of berk who sleeps rough outside a shop, so you can get your hands on a telephone before everyone else.

Well, over in Perth (the Australian one), a young fella was the first person to get his hands on a new iPhone6 and the TV crews rushed over to him to say ‘Well?’ and the answer of course would’ve been ‘Yep. That’s an iPhone alright’

However, Jack, the owner of the phone managed to drop it on the floor.

As you can see in the video, there’s seemingly no lasting damage to the handset, which is a shame. It would’ve been great to see it smash into a million pieces, but there you go.

Man fined for headbutting sausage roll machine

September 17th, 2014 7 Comments By Ian Wade

sausage rolls Man fined for headbutting sausage roll machineSausage roll news now, and a baker has been prosecuted for head-butting a sausage roll machine in anger when it stopped working properly.

The baker, Shane Thompson who is 22, had been working on the £27,000 computer-controlled machine, and something went awry, he lost his mind and head-butted the display screen

He head-butted with such force, he created a crack measuring six by four inches on the display scren

His bosses reckon it would cost £3,204 to fix, Prosecutor Kathryn Reeve told the court in Scarborough.

It was at his time at Yorkshire Baker, which he’d been happily working at for 17 months previously, where he lost his bap.

His former bosses docked £295 from his wages to cover the cost of the damage and wanted the £2,909 balance, the court heard. Defending solicitor Robert Vining said: “The defendant is at a total loss to understand how butting a glass screen and cracking it results in that piece of equipment being worthless.”

“He admits he became frustrated with the equipment. It was not making the pastry properly so he lost his temper and head-butted the glass screen and cracked it.”

We’ve all done it, yeah?

He was given a 12-month conditional discharge and ordered to pay £720 compensation towards the cost of repairing the machine. Thompson has since found a new job as ride operator at Flamingo Land theme park.

Is there anyone on Earth with a better CV than Shane Thompson? We’re quite serious.

Rave homeowner unable to name house Hardcore

September 17th, 2014 No Comments By Ian Wade

smiley face 300x300 Rave homeowner unable to name house HardcoreA man who owns his own house, has been blocked from registering it under a new name.

Daniel Lewis of Clapham in Bedfordshire, wanted to change his house name to ‘Hardcore Mansions’ but Bedford Borough Council – the SQUARES – have said no to this as it could be potentially offensive.

Mr Lewis sounds like quite the old raver, and reckons the name change stems from his nights out when this great land was a Rave Nation.

“Hardcore Mansions was [the name we used to call] our friend’s house,” he said. Before heading down what’s-left-of-his-memory lane.

He was at great lengths to point out that it has absolutely nothing to do with pornography.

“You have to apply to the council to get that done… [but] they refused on two separate occasions,” he said. ”They said it was inappropriate and could be offensive.”

“I did write to them and outline there was a number of different meanings to hardcore but they just took it down the sexual route and told me I couldn’t have it.”

Which ironically, Mr Lewis sounded like he very much ‘had it’ back in simpler times.

In a bid to get some arse from the council all upset, Mr Lewis has now put up a neon sign depicting the name and said he has no plans to remove it. Maybe some switched on neighbours will ask if they can feel it. Or something.

Pizza Hut: Now with free live animal

September 17th, 2014 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

An Australian Pizza Hut joint has finished scratching their head after there was a kerfuffle about a recent offer they promoted.

Basically, the restaurant offered to give customers a free pet with the purchase of 10 large pizzas.

30639 o571ye 500x281 Pizza Hut: Now with free live animal

In a statement Pizza Hut Australia apologised saying that the Mount Waverley store had taken the poster down and that the promotion had not been approved centrally.

“It has come to our attention that one of our stores have recently been running a promotion which was not approved by Pizza Hut Australia, nor was condoned in any circumstances. We would like to sincerely apologise to anyone who was offended by this,” they said.

“The poster has since been taken down and all those involved have been made aware of the severity and inappropriateness of the promotion.”

Of course, if you get 10 large pizza from this lot, it probably equates to one hamster’s worth of meat anyway, so really, it is much ado about nothing.

Want ‘mobile phone’ lanes on your street?

September 16th, 2014 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

mobile Want mobile phone lanes on your street?The Chinese city of Chongqing, there’s a smartphone footpath lane, which means that people who walk with purpose won’t get stuck behind someone who can’t stop messaging their bae, or scrolling through an ex-girlfriend’s photos on Facebook in a bid to upset themselves while looking at just how much they’ve moved on, and the various sexual partners they’ve moved on with.

Heartbreaking isn’t it? Especially when they’ve not had it off with them at all and you’re just a paranoid loser. Just us then?

Anyway,  the city’s property manager says it’s intended to be a bit of a joke. Only a bit mind you – the purpose of this wheeze is to remind people that it’s dangerous to tweet while walking in the street. Furthermore, it can get really irritating for others, especially if they’re still a member of ‘I Secretly Want To Punch Slow Walking People In The Back Of The Head’ group on Facebook.

“There are lots of elderly people and children in our street, and walking with your cellphone may cause unnecessary collisions here,” Nong Cheng, the marketing official with Meixin Group – which manages the area in the city’s entertainment zone – said.

And so, there’s a 50m stretch of footpath with two lanes and one of them prohibits mobile use next to one that allows pedestrians to fanny around on their phones (at their “own risk”).

1410831662379 500x281 Want mobile phone lanes on your street?

Nong said the idea came from a similar thing in Washington DC, which was created by National Geographic Television in July as part of a behaviour experiment.

Turns out that this lane is causing more hold-ups than before as everyone is getting their phones out to take photographs of the warning signs and the lane itself.

“Those using their cellphones of course have not heeded the marking,” she said. “They don’t notice them.”

At last! The selfie hat!

September 15th, 2014 No Comments By Ian Wade

selfie hat 207x300 At last! The selfie hat!It’s London Fashion Week! And you know what, where better a place than to showcase this marvellous selfie sombrero. Say that again to yourself, out loud.

“Selfie sombrero.”

The ‘brainchild’ (used very loosely in this case) of designer Christian Cowan-Sanluis and Acer, the Selfie Hat is a snip at £599.

Yes, for just £599, you could model the hat, which is able to spin and take pictures of you from all angles and is dubbed the ‘Christian Cowan-Sanluis x Acer Selfie-Hat’, it really is quite the thing.

Cowan-Sanluis has designed for that Lady Gaga in the past, so ‘reasonably normal’ is probably not a brief he adheres to.

The camera will assess which is your best side, as well as documenting these and posting them to social networks on your behalf. It’s probably at this point when concerned friends will wonder if you’re having some form of mental breakdown.

Acer, possibly pissing on a bucket of cash, claim: “We wanted to work with someone young and fresh, that not only understands the selfie culture, but both currently is part of it and works with people in it”.

Cowan-Sanluis explains: “With the hat, we wanted to take an element from my last collection, but correspondingly integrate the most popular zeitgeist there is in technology at the moment, the selfie. We also wanted to give it a fun and playful approach, but that in the end helps the user to better understand their face when taking a self-portrait.”

“There has been a lot of articles over the last year looking at how the selfie has gotten so big and being monetised on, celebrities such as Kim Kardashian making a selfie book and the term becoming part of mainstream society.”

“But on the other side, a lot of people taking selfies struggle to find the full potential of their front-facing camera when they use their hand. The hat helps to perfect the shot, either if it’s a cute, sexy or silly selfie.”

It is literally the worst thing ever.

Urban Outfitters sell massacre sweatshirt

September 15th, 2014 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

Fashion is a peculiar thing at the best of times, but Urban Outfitters are currently annoying a lot of people over a jumper that appears to celebrate a massacre.

The description of the ‘vintage Kent State sweatshirt’ reads: “Washed soft and perfectly broken in, this vintage Kent State sweatshirt is cut in a loose, slouchy fit. Excellent vintage condition. We only have one, so get it or regret it!”

That seems fine and all, but some readers will remember that Kent State university was the scene of a massacre and this particular jumper seems to be covered in blood stains.


kent state 500x455 Urban Outfitters sell massacre sweatshirt


So there you have it. You too can own a sweater that is covered in pretend blood stains, just like the blood stains on those gunned down at Kent State in the ’70s.

Next up: Columbine pencil cases filled with mock blood.

Burger King go goth

September 11th, 2014 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

Seems like Burger King have been having their photos taken in castle ruins, listening to Bauhaus and writing awful poetry, as they’ve made a goth burger.

Sadly for you gloom merchants, you’ll have to go to Japan for one.

gothburger2 Burger King go goth

These rascals are called ‘Kuro Burgers’ and have bamboo charcoal buns, onion and garlic sauce made with squid ink, burgers made with black pepper and black cheese.

You can get a Kuro Pearl and a Kuro Diamond with all the doom trimmings. Eating one may turn you into Robert Smith, so weigh that up before chowing down.

The pocket doctor will see you now

September 9th, 2014 1 Comment By Ian Wade

stressed doctor The pocket doctor will see you nowSmartphones are now being used as ‘pocket doctors’.

In a bid to continue proving their worth, there is now a new app that can diagnose Parkinson’s disease via subtle changes in voice and motion.

The app can detect slight variations in a person’s behaviour, which may indicate the beginning of Parkinson’s.

The app has been tested on a group of 2,500 people with Parkinson’s, those with hereditary genes that indicate it and healthy types too.

Early reports suggest it has a 99% success rate, and indicated 98% of Parkinson’s sufferers.

A man – a mathematician no less – named Dr Max Little, from the University of Aston, who is leading the research, said: “Not only can you predict whether someone has Parkinson’s disease or not, you can actually score their symptoms on clinical scales.

“This new kind of remote data analysis will help patients to monitor their conditions on a minute-by-minute basis from the comfort of their own homes. Of course, it is still important that they receive regular advice and treatment from medical professionals, who may also benefit from this new technology.”

“Physicians may be able to use data collected by their patients’ smartphones to prescribe medications .. This information may also help examine people thought susceptible to developing Parkinson’s disease. The condition is hard to diagnose, with specialists having to take a detailed history of people’s symptoms and analysing them for physical signs of the disease.”

“Using smartphone data may help to make this process much easier.”

If this all goes well, despite the ethically dodgy area of diagnosing illness via a phone – a step up from ‘my chest hurts so I better Google and see if I have AIDS’ quandary – that voice analysis could also be used detect mental deficits linked to Alzheimer’s and anxiety.

MAC launches Rocky Horror make-up range

September 8th, 2014 No Comments By Ian Wade

Well, Halloween is coming up and even if you don’t part-time it on the dressing up all hot tramp-ly, one of the best product tie-ins ever is here for you.

rocky horror 500x293 MAC launches Rocky Horror make up range

Yes, MAC Cosmetics are bringing out a Rocky Horror make-up range!

It all looks a bit amazing really, and allows you to finally channel your inner interplanetary transexual. You perv. All the men reading this are wearing stockings under their trousers as we speak (the reverse doesn’t really work as well)

rocky horror 2 500x265 MAC launches Rocky Horror make up range

Or it could be your idea of Hell and the very worst thing ever, but at least the market in singalong musical dressing-up will be catered for.

Anyway, it’s out October 2nd.

McDonald’s: now accepting rubbish

September 5th, 2014 No Comments By Ian Wade

Sweden’s McDonald’s have come up with a green festival campaign. The Big Mac hitmakers are now accepting empty cans in exchange for burger-based treats.


mcdonald binbag 500x333 McDonalds: now accepting rubbish

In stores mainly around festival areas and green spaces, they are now accepting cards, cash and cans.

And so that collectors can have a handy guide as to working out the “exchange rate”, McDonald’s have provided bin bags with illustrations um, illustrating them.

For ten cans, you “can” HAHAHA have a hamburger.

However, anyone who has been to Sweden will know that everywhere is quite pricey, so you’d be better off just buying McDonalds instead, but hey – the planet and all that.

Now, who knows anything about Maccies and deforestation?

Tesco Woolwich is right ugly say experts

September 5th, 2014 No Comments By Ian Wade

tesco woolwich 300x300 Tesco Woolwich is right ugly say expertsPride for Woolwich now, as their Tesco has just been crowned the winner of an award!

Except this one is for Building Design’s Carbuncle Cup, which is handed out to architecture that is “unforgivably bad and deserve(s) to be named and shamed“.


The development at Woolwich Central is managed and owned by Spenhill, who in turn are owned by Tesco, and it offers a Tesco Extra across the first eight floors teamed with 189 apartments of one, two and three bedroom variations, above that.

It must be said, the judges delivered some champion shade, when describing the building: “Camouflage comes in the way of some truly diabolical cladding and a massing strategy that seems to have been directly inspired by the 1948 Berlin blockade; we can only hope that residential leases come with free airlift.”

One of the panel, Prince Charles’s architectural adviser, Hank Dittmar aced that with “too much for the site, for the area and for the eye”.

An unnamed spokesman for the architects, was having none of it, saying “the aim was to create a cohesive piece of strong architecture that unlocked this vast space and established a desirable place to live”.

But then he would.

TfL pay tribute to Joan Rivers

September 5th, 2014 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

Transport for London allows their workers to write quirky things on white boards, which sometimes ends in irritating, mealy mouthed nonsense. However, sometimes someone gets it bob-on.

With the death of Joan Rivers, people don’t know whether to grieve, shrug or continually point out the horrible things she’s said about… well… just about every corner of humankind.

Then, someone did this which we suspect would’ve given Rivers a laugh.

BwwIw9FIMAAXuSg 500x375 TfL pay tribute to Joan Rivers


Hats off. That’s not bad at all.

GM to install eye-tracking technology

September 3rd, 2014 1 Comment By Ian Wade

 GM to install eye tracking technologyTechnology is all over cars at the moment, as the latest device involves tracking your eyeballs.

This tech will watch you so it can determine how drivers are behaving on the road, tracking your eyes and every move, making sure that you’re giving the road its full attention.

General Motors will install around half a million cars with eye-tracking devices over the next three to five years.

They’re apparently using technology made by Seeing Machines, a Canberra-based company who specialises in driver fatigue technology.

The cameras will be backed by algorithms, which tracks movement in the driver’s face and will then use this data to analyse what the driver is looking at.

If the driver isn’t paying attention to the road for more than 30 seconds, the device emits a laser at them and kills them dead.

As well as safety, the technology could allow drivers to communicate with their cars, without having to press a button or turn the wheel. It’s all a bit Gary Numan.

There are privacy issues arising from this new development, such as what insurers and manufacturers may do with it. However Seeing Machines reckon that ‘initially’ it will not keep the info it records.

In other words, it will and we’re all going to Hell. And the car will probably lock us in and drive us there itself.