Big Mac and Whopper, together at last?

August 27th, 2015 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

Burger King and McDonald’s have been at each other’s throats for years, but now, in 2015, there’s an olive branch. Burger King has decided that they want to make peace with Maccies for one day only.

They want to “settle the beef” by combining their flagship burgers – the Whopper and the Big Mac – into the McWhopper.

mcwhopper 500x281 Big Mac and Whopper, together at last?

This burger would be flogged at pop-up shops in Atlanta, which is the midway point between the headquaters of the two companies (which are Chicago and Miami if you must know).

Burger King made the offer via full-page adverts in The New York Times and The Chicago Tribune, and the want this to happen on the 21st September - the UN International Day of Peace. All proceeds to go to charity, natch. That said, customers won’t be asked to cough-up money, rather, they’ll be asked to sign one of the mats you get on the tray, making a peace declaration with someone.

The peace will even go down to the staff uniforms and takeaway bags.

mcwhopper 2 500x375 Big Mac and Whopper, together at last?

In a proposal to McDonald’s, Burger King said: “All these ingredients come together to build the burger some said would never happen. Some say the same thing about world peace.”

“Let’s prove them wrong on Peace Day. Everything in our proposal is up for discussion, from the name right through to the packaging. The only thing we can’t change is the date, so let’s talk soon.”

 Microsoft to send electric shocks through your clothesMicrosoft are thinking of the future, and have patented technology that could see people being notified of messages and the like, through smartclothes that send shocks through your skin. You can expect it to be more of a tingle, rather than something akin to death row.

The patent notes that, in modern society, everyone hates people’s phones making noises, so with this, your body will vibrate to let you know that Domino’s are doing yet another bloody offer and they won’t ever leave you alone.

The patent’s abstract says: “Techniques are described herein that are capable of providing electrical stimuli to skin of a user to convey information to the user. For instance, the electrical stimuli may inform the user of an event, a condition, etc.”

Mircosoft are looking at a shoe and a t-shirt as examples of clothing that could stimulate you when you get a message. We suspect someone will fashion something for the gusset with this technology.

While our minds are in the gutter, Microsoft suggest that, not only will these clothes give you notifications for messages, but also, that the tech could be used to tell someone when their clothes are about to ‘wear out’ or that you could link it up with street navigation apps.

Microsoft wrote in the patent paperwork: “People are increasingly exposed to information these days. A snapshot of our modern society is likely to reveal many people using mobile devices while performing their daily routine tasks. For instance people often text, conduct telephone calls, check messages, search the internet, etc. Using mobile devices in such a manner may raise any of a variety of concerns, namely safety and/or etiquette.”

“In an effort to address such concerns, companies are developing devices that are capable of delivering content to users in an unobtrusive and/or hands-free manner.”

We the public, as a whole, are a rotten and depraved bunch. We give off airs and graces, when really, we’re secretly thinking about murdering people and imaging what the most disgusting thing on the internet is.

So with that, anyone who gives the reins over to us is, frankly, an idiot.

And so to Google, with their lovely Google Trends billboards, which show off what the UK is really looking for on the internet. This one, spotted at Old Street Station, showed that, alongside looking at BBC Sports sites and things to do with Barcelona, the top trend is the delightful ‘Revenge Porn Sites’.

CM646m2WUAAZ3gj 375x500 Googles digital billboards are working out just fine...

 

Of course, this might be something to do with TV presenter Anna Richardson, who has been looking into this area recently… but it doesn’t look like that does it?

Good old Google. Sticking ‘REVENGE PORN’ in big letters in the middle of a train station.

[via TechnoGuido]

Man gets ear bitten off on flight from Newcastle

August 19th, 2015 3 Comments By Mof Gimmers

ear 300x191 Man gets ear bitten off on flight from NewcastleGetting a flight to Ibiza can be pretty arduous at the best of times. Ryanair banned booze on some Ibiza-bound flights, but that’s nothing compared to the nonsense that went on during a Jet2 flight from Newcastle to the Balearic island.

It has been reported that a passenger almost lost his ear after it was nearly bitten off during some airborne pagga.

Normally, fights involve a bit of punching, shoving and swearing, but it takes a special type of snowflake to try biting bits of another human off.

Anyway, the man was (allegedly) attacked on a busy Jet2 flight on Sunday night and is now in a Spanish hospital where they’re trying to save his ear. A witness told the Mirror how passengers, young and old, watched on in horror as the bloke ran down the aisle with blood pumping from his head, with his ear ‘hanging off’.

Another added: “It was absolutely sickening and I find it unbelievable that anyone would do that at all to another human being. But to bite someone’s ear off on a plane packed with other people at such close quarters and with families sitting around him is absolutely appalling, people were getting off the plane complaining of feeling physically sick.”

Enough to put you off those peanuts you just bought for £43.60.

Jet2 managing director Phil Ward said the company are working with the police to investigate the whole thing. He said: “The safety of our customers is of utmost importance to us and aggressive behaviour will simply not be tolerated.”

M&S want to stick the D in your bread

August 18th, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

The folks at Marks & Spencer aren’t the hippest bunch. They’ve probably just discovered the phrase ‘totes amazeballs’ and ‘LOL’. So you have to wonder if they knew what was going on when their marketing department came up with a new slogan for their bread.

Marks & Spencer’s latest bread advertising campaign says “Putting the D in bread”, which for those who haven’t been living up a tree for the past few years, means something rather dirty.

marks and spencer advert puts the d in bread M&S want to stick the D in your bread

Now, if you’re the kind of person who gives bread the D, you might end up with a yeast infection or, worse still, some crusty cobblers. You can think of your own puns, no doubt.

Next week: Morrisons start flaunting their baps.

[via Twitter]

Are you drunk? Cameras can tell you now

August 14th, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

hilarious drunk man 232x300 Are you drunk? Cameras can tell you nowWant to know if you’re drunk? Well, if you’ve just sank a load of booze, chances are, you’re drunk. Indeed, you know you’re drunk if someone politely asks you if you’re drunk and you reply “No, I’m fine.” The only people who say they’re fine after being asked that, are usually seconds away from being upside down in a hedge.

That’s not good enough for Japan though. Over at a station, 46 have been installed in a bid to stop accidents from happening. That’s because they’ll be able to detect if you’re drunk or not. They won’t stop you being absolutely blootered or anything.

These cameras at Kyobashi station in Osaka, are programmed to scan passengers for signs of being hammered, and if you are, they will alert an attendant.

A spokesperson for West Japan Railway said examples of pissedness can included “remaining on the platform for an extended time for no apparent reason, and sleeping on benches”. Sounds like they’re going after the homeless to us. Feel free to add your own ‘same difference’ into the equation.

This has all come about after a report from the Japanese government showed that there were 221 cases of passengers being hit by trains in 2013, and 60% of those people were drunk. Getting stuck into that Asahi without having any tea, no doubt.

If they install these cameras in the UK, they might blow up through overuse.

Underpants 300x207 Silver underpants to protect your nads from your phoneMen! Are you worried about your technological devices making your junk sizzle and wither thanks to radiation? Have you been sat in bed with a laptop on your knee, cooking your gonads? Do you think your phone is somehow making your widger boil?

Well, fear not, because someone has invented some ‘smart’ underwear which is designed to protect your business, and ensure that you’re fertility is unaffected.

Richard Branson has already described these scads as “underpants for superheroes”, because the Wireless Armour underwear contains an underlining of pure silver, woven into the fabric, to protect your unmentionables against 99.9% of electromagnetic radiation.

That’s the stuff that emits from smartphones, tablets and laptops.

Inventor Joseph Perkins said: “Like so many people, my smartphone and laptop use has increased dramatically in recent years, which made me realise that I was exposing myself to large amounts of electromagnetic radiation, mostly centred on my groin.”

“With my physics background I knew there must be a way to shield from electromagnetic radiation using a simple solution. Wireless Armour has been tested by an industry leader in wireless shielding and the results show that our fabric shields against 99.9% of the radiation emitted between 100MHz to 2.6GHz.”

“Put simply, this covers the entire range of radiation emitted by wireless devices, from voice and text through to 4G and wi-fi, almost everything is blocked.”

Let’s just hope you don’t end up with argyria from the hi ho silver lining – the illness you get when you’re poisoned by silver and it makes your skin look like you’re a smurf, like this fella.

slvrK9V 500x280 Silver underpants to protect your nads from your phone

BT put customer on hold for 14 hours

August 13th, 2015 2 Comments By Mof Gimmers

rodney dangerfield 292x300 BT put customer on hold for 14 hoursCancelling your contract with a company is a tricky affair, as they guilt-trip you and mither you for ages, hoping you’ll crack and stick with them.

Well, one chap called Paul Donovan was trying to cancel his BT broadband contract and found himself on hold for a whopping 14 hours! He says he called BT’s freephone number at 7.57pm on Saturday, August 1st, to cancel his £42.99-a-month broadband and sports package.

He was told that the lines were busy, via the usual pre-recorded voice, and that he should wait until an operator was free. Donovan waited for an hour and a bit, before going to bed. He put his phone on charge, but decided to leave the call open, while on hold.

The next time he looked at his phone was 14 hours and 31 minutes after he originally rang BT, and lo, he was still on hold. He took a screengrab of the call time, so he could show it to BT’s customer services (when he eventually got through to an actual human being).

He said: “When I have got through before, I was told the service was open 24/7 so I was expecting to get a response. I kept thinking surely someone will pick up but I went to bed and when I got up the next morning, I was still on hold. I hung up as I knew by then nobody would answer. When I called them again, they did not believe me either. It must be one of the longest hold-times ever.”

BT themselves reckon that Paul should’ve been told that the department was closed: “That main customer services number is open Monday to Friday 8am – 8pm, Saturday and Sunday 9am – 6pm. Customers calling outside of those hours receive a recorded message advising them that the office is closed.”

rooster 1372458 1280x960 300x225 Thomas Cook make a true cock up with customer serviceEveryone makes mistakes, and the joy of today’s social media-obsessed society is now everyone can learn about everyone else’s mistakes quick as a flash. And that’s just what has happened to a poor unfortunate at Thomas Cook who accidentally transferred a customer to a live sex line. Oops.

Wide-eyed and innocent, 19 year old Lauren Baker had called the holiday company to check her booking for her upcoming trip to Amsterdam. Unfortunately instead of transferring Lauren’s call to ‘flexible trips’, the call was instead connected with a sex chat line. Fortunately, Lauren had the social-media inspired presence of mind to put the call on loudspeaker, and Lauren’s boyfriend Matt, was quick to video the experience, which was later shared on Facebook.

On the recording, a woman can be heard saying: “Well you’re a lucky boy today then, aren’t you?” to which a man replies: “I think all my dreams have come true.”. The conversation continued in such a smutty vein for around 45 seconds. Which is roughly how long it takes.

However, unusually for today’s grumbly society, Lauren and Matt were not outraged at the shocking treatment they had received, and they didn’t demand compensation for the damage to their delicate sensitivities. In fact they found it amusing:

“We couldn’t believe our ears. I realised straight away what it was,” Baker said. “I was so shocked, I didn’t know what was going on – I thought it was maybe some kind of practical joke at first,” said Lauren.  “I was really confused, both of us were. It’s a bit weird, but quite funny.”

Lauren called Thomas Cook again the following day where a manager told her the operator had mistakenly dialled 0844 instead of 0800 and said it was a ‘genuine error’.

Thomas Cook did amend the couple’s booking for them free of charge, but failed to see the funny side of their accidental cock up. In fact, they seemed quite put out at suggestions that this was part of a ‘virtual reality’ experience to give callers destined for Amsterdam a taste of what might be to come. Figuratively speaking.

A Thomas Cook spokesperson said: “Thomas Cook always seeks to innovate with a view to providing a quality experience across the holiday journey, and offers its customers the opportunity to ‘try before they buy’ in many instances. From expert retail agents offering personal recommendations to our use of varied technologies including online videos and Virtual Reality headsets in our travel shops, we are dedicated to ensuring our customers know what to expect from their preferred destination when choosing to travel with us.

“In this instance, the link-through to the sex chat line was caused by human error, and is in no way indicative of any desire on Thomas Cook’s part to reflect certain aspects of what customers might expect when travelling to Amsterdam.

“Thomas Cook would like to apologise to Ms Baker and Mr Geddes for any offence caused.”

Snigger.

Shane is the king of retail

July 31st, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

Working in retail can be very tedious, so you have to make your own fun. You can dream about kicking awful customers up the rear, or you can imagine all manner of accidents befalling your irritating line-manager.

Or, if you’re Shane, you can go down a completely different route.

22290 1240387289309492 1686411065918644685 n 500x373 Shane is the king of retail

Shane, bless him, gets so bored, that he pretends the paper bags can talk.

19311 1240387225976165 3977735093349653104 n 500x373 Shane is the king of retail

As you can see, Shane gets very bored, to the point where he’s got more than one personality.

11063544 1240387252642829 2252286119304354975 n 500x373 Shane is the king of retail

Extended warranties on fried chicken eh?

11245473 1240387229309498 6440499681645166120 n 500x373 Shane is the king of retail

We still want to know about this good stuff in the back though.

11165227 1240387239309497 9091845780329498866 n 500x373 Shane is the king of retail

Shane’s ‘Swinecraft’ could be a moneyspinner in fairness.

11050102 1240387342642820 1361117161367005488 n 373x500 Shane is the king of retail

Of course, Shane is almost certainly a funny fabrication, but you can’t be mad at this. You can see the rest of Shane’s handiwork, here.

chtprodfigure2bweather tcm77 411800 300x190 Cider, beer and sparkling wine on the up, bangers going down the pan...It’s official- we drink cider in the sunshine. Latest figues from the ONS survey of summer products- which identifies the top products bought by consumers during the summer months, shows that ciders, perry and similar follow an almost identical pattern to summer temperatures in the UK – meaning sales have been buoyed by the recent good weather in June and July.

In fact, UK manufacturers’ sales of cider etc have increased by 58.8% since 2010, to £911.2 million in 2014; although the ONS recognise that this figure is likely to have been boosted by the advent of myriad alternative fruit ciders.

Beer was eighth in the recent top 10 products in terms of UK manufacturers’ sales value (competing with large purchases like cars (which topped the table), and was not far behind soft drinks (at number 6) and just beating whisky at number 9. However, after falling out of favour for some years, showing a decline in value  between 2009 and 2012, in 2014 sales increased for a second year, which is likely down to the craft beer revolution- CAMRA report with 170 new breweries having started up in the last 12 months.

But even more surprising than 170 new breweries is the apparent success of the  domestic wine industry, led by the English Sparkling Wine campaign, with news that there are now almost 500 vineyards throughout England and Wales.

However, it’s not all good news. Despite summer being the traditional hunting ground of the barbecue banger, sales of meat products show that consumers are turning away from the traditional burgers and sausages, and moving towards healthier and more upmarket products such as steak and fresh chicken, both of which  having shown solid growth. Sales of sausages, however, have fallen by 2.1%, from £838.20 million in 2008 to £820.70 million today. The volume of sausages sold has fallen more dramatically by 26.4%, a whopping 1250 million kg, since 2008. So with sausages seemingly getting less and less desirable, yet costing more, is this the beginning of the end for the humble banger? And more importantly, will our beloved bacon be next?

People have varying opinions on modesty wraps for magazines that appear in supermarkets. Some people think we should protect children’s eyes from mucky stuff, while others think everyone should shut up moaning about it. Of course, the majority barely give it a thought because they’re too busy thinking about eating Jaffa Cakes whole and farting silently in the queue.

Well, here’s a thing: Sainsbury’s have been chastised for putting a modesty blanket over a copy of Attitude magazine, while not bothering at all with a copy of FHM that was next to it.

Twitter user Jon Rowles spotted it and said: “Why I don’t shop @sainsburys anymore. Naked women OK but @AttitudeMag Pride Hero’s cover indecent.”

You might be thinking that some gay lifestyle magazines do have pretty racy covers, and that it isn’t wrong to cover that up, but they should’ve probably covered up the FHM as well. Okay. Now let us show you the cover of Attitude that was deemed ‘immodest’.

attitude mag cover Sainsbury’s cover up gay magazine but not FHM

The FHM cover featured some on in a state of ‘undress’, while Attitude has… well… some people sat around in their clothes.

Sainsbury’s, when asked for a comment, said: “We have previously contacted the distributor of Attitude magazine with a view to remove the modesty cover on this title. The distributor agreed that whilst the cover of this magazine is now generally suitable for display, there could be future issues where it may not be. This is something we regularly review along with taking guidance from the Professional Publishers Association.”

Maybe one of these ‘regular reviews’ could utilise ‘someone with functioning eyeballs’ next time, eh?

Look at these stupid double yellow lines

July 9th, 2015 3 Comments By Mof Gimmers

While the Tube strike causes ABSOLUTE CARNAGE on the streets of London to which everyone IS SUFFERING ENDLESSLY, that’s the least of the capital’s worries.

Even though we gave them all a guide to getting around London during this difficult time, there’s a huge problem with London’s roads.

We are, of course, talking about Clapham Junction and those who will be travelling on it in a teeny, weeny clown car. Or a Smart Car if you prefer. That’s because there’s the disaster waiting for them, in the shape of a six-inch stretch of road that is protected – valiantly we might add – by double yellow lines.

CJZ5axZUkAEJ8KW 500x333 Look at these stupid double yellow lines

All hail!

That’s right, on Mossbury Road, near Lavender Hill, there is, what appears to be, stupidly small double yellows. So anyone thinking of parking their unicycle there, can get bent.

This was spotted by the baffled firefighter Stewart Brown, who noted Wandsworth Council’s sterling work. And, just a few yards down the same road, there’s another tiny set of double yellow lines too.

Well done, to everyone concerned.

When Ne-Yo sang about a ‘beautiful monster’, he had clearly been tipped off about KFC’s plans to make a hybrid of fried chicken and pizza. It looks vile and heart-stopping, and we’ll take 10 portions please.

So what’s the craic? Well, Colonel Sanders has got his classic Original Recipe fried chicken thighs and drumsticks, and added tomato sauce and a breaded mozzarella and cheddar mix, and then melted them all together in the oven.

It sounds like heaven and is called the Napoli Crispy Pizza Chicken, and you’ll have to get to Hong Kong if you want to ram it down your neckhole.

CIxla7WWgAAZ8cF 500x500 Look at the state of this pizza fried chicken hybrid!

Of course, this is going to have a gazillion calories and will have enough fat to make the skin on your hands go see-through while you eat it, but that doesn’t matter. Bitterwallet is not about to start telling you to eat kale or drink smoothies. We’re not about that life.

We’re already wondering if it’ll be any good if you get a bucket of these rascals and wrap them up in a calzone and eat the whole thing in one go with a couple of rashers of bacon lobbed in for good measure.

my little baby born nappy time Parents shocked as talking doll teaches child useful lesson of f*** itAs you know, 99% of all the advice ever given is thoroughly useless. However, some parents were horrified when their 2-year-old daughter found that her My Little Baby Born Nappy Time doll was dishing out potty-mouthed, but ultimately useFUL advice.

Anthony Burridge and Sarah Williams bought their daughter Emily the toy, and it was meant to gurgle and mutter nonsense, like babies do. However, this doll was saying “f***” and “f*** it” over and over.

Burridge said: “We opened the packaging on the doll and handed it to Emily. She was so excited to play with her new toy but as soon as she pressed its belly, we heard it say the swear word. Sarah and I were gobsmacked. When we played it again, it was clear that it was saying “f***”. We’ve had to take it away from her but it is too late. Emily is only two but already copying the doll.”

“She keeps saying “f*** it” – I don’t know how to stop her.”

Have you finished laughing? The toy was bought from Toys R Us, who of course, aren’t really responsible, but will no doubt be really embarrassed by all this.

Williams added: “Emily has always loved changing nappies and as soon as we got into the shop, she made a beeline for the dolls. Seeing her face light up as she picked the doll made me so happy. The doll was meant to cry every time you pushed her belly button and I couldn’t wait to see Emily play with her when we got home.”

“When we first heard the doll swear, we couldn’t believe it. We had to play it again to make sure we were hearing right.”

Burridge continued: “Hearing our two-year-old daughter swearing every day is just awful. I think it’s disgraceful that Toys R Us have sold us such a dirty toy.”

A spokesman for Toys R Us said they are ‘looking into the matter’, while the company that made the toy - Zapf Creation – said: “Zapf Creation prides itself on making high quality products that children can play with and love and BABY born is one of our most popular brands, having been around over 24 years.”

“With the aim of teaching young children about nappy changing, my little BABY born Nappy Time only makes “baby babble” sounds and does not say any actual words. We apologise if any customers feel that this babble resembles anything inappropriate.”

Anyway, have a look at the Daily Mail’s video where you can watch a toddler swear her little head off.