Child eats flower in Lidl catalogue

April 27th, 2015 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

Catalogues for supermarkets and the like, are always thoroughly tedious affairs. There’s so little of interest in them, that we’ll pounce on just about anything that raises the vaguest of smiles.

However, we’re beaming at the brilliantly odd child who stars in this week’s Lidl catalogue. For reasons unclear, the photo shows a little girl chewing on a flower.

lidl flower child 500x375 Child eats flower in Lidl catalogue

Of course, Lidl’s marketing department have been on fire lately, trolling Morrisons and openly mocking Sainsbury’s. The supermarket was also responsible for one of the funnier April Fool jokes too.

So whether they left this in because they thought it was funny or they just didn’t check, the whole thing is by-the-by, as everyone can enjoy the daft things children do, like sticking flowers in their mouths and eating them.

Hail, the dildo with a loved-one’s ashes

April 27th, 2015 2 Comments By Mof Gimmers

sex with glass Hail, the dildo with a loved ones ashesMost of us have thought about a fun memorial that we could choose when he shrug off this mortal coil of ours. Usually, it translates into something funny or sarcastic written on a tombstone.

Well how about having your ashes put in a dildo, so that every time your partner wants to get freaky with themselves, there’s a chance they’ll cry uncontrollably? Or maybe you’d like you ashes in a sex toy, so that you’re always there as a reminder, to make your widow feel guilty when they feel ready to move on?

That could happen thanks to designer Mark Sturkenboom who has created a memory box that includes not only a dildo, but a necklace and an amplifier for playing music that will remind you of the person who has died. Oh, you also get a golden urn and a scent diffuser, too.

Talking about all this, Sturkenboom said: “After a passing, the missing of intimacy with that person is only one aspect of the pain and grief. This forms the base for 21 Grams. The urn offers the possibility to conserve 21 grams of ashes of the deceased and displays an immortal desire.”

“I sometimes help an elderly lady with her groceries and she has an urn standing near the window with the remains of her husband. She always speaks with so much love about him but the jar he was in didn’t reflect that at all.”

“In that same period I read an article about widows, taboos and sex and intimacy and then I thought to myself ‘can I combine these themes and make an object that is about love and missing and intimacy?’”

And so, he came up with 21 Grams, which is ‘the weight of the human soul’. In Sturkenboom’s words: “21 Grams is not only a way to tempt a person to revive an intimate night with her love again but also displays an accusation against the unavoidable passing of life.”

Obviously. Find out more here.

Chip shop message cracks up customers

April 17th, 2015 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

There’s nothing worse than finding out your favourite chippie is closed. Usually, they’ve shut up shop ‘due to a family bereavement’ or because they’re ‘renovating’.

However, one chippie closed for something quite different. This fella was going on holiday and he left a note to customers, which will have left them chuckling.

chippie Chip shop message cracks up customers

As you can see, he wrote: “This year my wife has decided to take us all youth hosteling, I told her at her age she would be better off with Saga. We are taking two of our children. 1 Daughter in law, plus 1 grandson. No internet, mobile phones, playstations etc.”

“Personally I think we will all be bored to tears. She who must be obeyed says we will have a great time telling tales round the campfire etc.”

He’s back in the shop now, and hopefully, stocked up on beer and gadgets.

sweets 300x225 Morrisons to start selling halal pick n mixWhile most consumers understand the concept of halal meat, and its importance to certain groups of consumers, few people would even consider the possibility that sweets could be non-halal. However, many jelly sweets contain gelatine products derived from animals, so supermarket giant Morrisons is trialling a halal pick and mix counter at 10 stores, offering gelatine-free sweets to Muslim customers.

The new sweets are being tested at stores in Blackburn, Bolton, Preston, Bradford, West Bromwich, Birmingham, Leamington Spa and at three stores in London. There will be 36 halal-friendly sweets, including liquorice sticks, cola bottles, jelly beans, gummy bears and sugared lips which will be guaranteed to be free of non-halal animal products or alcohol-based colourings and flavourings.

The move has been welcomed by Salim Mulla, chairman of the halal sub-committee at the Lancashire Council of Mosques who said “Sweets are very popular with the Muslim community,” he said. “I think the pick and mix will do really well.”

Abdul Hamid Qureshi, chairman of the Lancashire Council of Mosques, said he also welcomed the introduction of more halal foods in supermarkets, adding that “more and more supermarkets are introducing halal products to meet the needs of the customers, but this is the first halal pick and mix I have heard of. A lot of Muslim children buy sweets, but often have to look at the ingredients to see if they are halal. It’s good that they will be able to see they are halal at a glance.”

So is this a genius move by Morrisons, identifying a genuine gap in the market, or will this just isolate consumers who were already happy with their Morrisons pick and mix? Of course, the trials are likely to be in areas where there are greater numbers of Muslim consumers, so if they aren’t a hit there, it is unlikely that the scheme will be rolled out across the country. And what about consumers who would prefer non-halal products- where are they going to pig out on cola bottles now?

Want to get your dog stoned?

April 15th, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

spit the dog Want to get your dog stoned?Dogs live their lives napping, constantly wanting to eat and generally looking confused at the most basic tasks, so it is rather surprising that someone has created some treats for dogs that will get them stoned.

‘Pot for pets’ isn’t a novelty product though – the people behind think that marijuana can be used as a mild pain relief for pooches. They’re thinking of old dogs with knackered hips, but you just know that young pups will be gagging to get at it, so they can play video games and eat Monster Munch all day while you’re at work.

One dog owner apparently said that her hound was all set to be put to sleep by the vet, but bought the special strain of weed and her dog got better: “Never in my wildest dreams would I have anticipated this. It brought my dog back.”

The side effect is that her dog now listens to festival reggae and wants to go to India to find itself.

There’s a few companies behind this idea and Julianna Carella, CEO of Treatibles who are one of them, is reticent to discuss the actual medical benefits of giving animals drugs.

She said: “Honestly, we’re hands off with that because we’re not doctors and it’s not our place to prescribe it in that way.”

If she’s not a doctor, then surely she’s a dealer? Either way, there’s a good chance that some baby boomer will be curious enough to buy this and find that their 15 year old human child has decided to eat the dog-weed to see what happens. We can only hope the outcome is funny and uploaded to YouTube.

Hail the most evil toilet door ever!

April 9th, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

When you’ve had a few, navigating your way around a toilet visit can be treacherous. You’ve invariably left it too late and rush to get your kecks undone and there’s other humans milling about pointlessly while you try to avoid soiling yourself. And then you’ve got splashback issues and other people farting.

It really can be nightmarish.

One bar decided that the whole situation wasn’t enough of a headmelt and decided to toy with patrons by creating a false door that would mess with nature’s call. A Reddit user went to relieve himself and found himself draining of colour, as well as excretions, thinking that he was in the ladies instead of the gents.

door Hail the most evil toilet door ever!

The reality was that the bar in question had put in a fake door that looked like the reverse of the ladies’ toilets, just to frazzle burping blokes into thinking that they’d dropped a massive clanger.

Redditor Jaydscustom said: “As I’m leaving the restroom panic sets in…then I realize I just pissed in a urinal and the bathroom door was solid wood when I came in. Oh you clever, clever door.”

man on toycar 217x300 Do you need to start buying car insurance for your lawn mower...?An obscure European law has resurfaced to potentially bite people in the behind, after a European court has ruled that any moving vehicle, whether on public or private land, should be covered by motor insurance in case of an accident. This means that ride-on lawnmowers, mobility scooters and even golf buggies could need an insurance policy- even in your own garden.

This issue, which goes back as far as 1972, has reared its head again after Damijan Vnuk, a farm worker from Slovenia, brought a case to the European courts last year after falling from a ladder when it was hit by a tractor.

The court in Brussels decided that any moving vehicle, whether on public and private land, should have actual motor insurance, the normal proviso that vehicles not driven on the road are exempt ceasing to apply. The argument of the court was that tractors are “consistent with the normal function” of a motor vehicle, so normal insurance rules relating to cars and motorbikes therefore apply.

Under British law, currently only vehicles travelling on a “road or other public place” – with the exception of mobility scooters – are required to be insured, but the ruling would see this extended to any place, including farmyards and golf courses.

The Telegraph reports that the Department for Transport is currently in discussion with the industry body, the Association of British Insurers, to clarify which types of vehicles will need to be insured and at what level. Insurers have already reported a surge in calls from customers worried whether their golf caddies and lawnmowers need to be covered, and if so, whether third party cover is sufficient.

“Everybody is confused as to what the EU is up to,” said Mark Effenberg, of Blue Badge, a specialist insurer for mobility scooters. “We’re now waiting to see how the directive will be interpreted.”

But, although an irritation, and an unnecessary cost, the cost of insuring mobility scooters is not prohibitive, with mobility scooter policies costing around £90 for third party and breakdown, and a determined pensioners in search of this week’s cash could probably do some damage to an unsuspecting passer-by. While mobility scooters are currently regarded as exempt, official guidelines state that mobility scooter drivers are “strongly advised that people take out insurance” to cover accident or theft. While this is (currently) not considered a legal requirement, in some cases forcing the issue could, in some cases, be a good thing.

Celia Frodsham of Stephenson’s Solicitors said: “Uninsured people have, in the past, lost their homes after being sued for negligence because they have injured people with their scooters. Therefore insurance is recommended to avoid this.”

London gets dog restaurant

April 8th, 2015 2 Comments By Mof Gimmers

Recipie For Natural Dog Food 1 300x224 London gets dog restaurantWe did an April Fool article about a cafe in Shoreditch where you could act like a baby (congrats to those that thought it was real), but sadly, our joke was based on the fact that things like this are all too real.

Now, London is a getting a dog restaurant. And yes, it is in Shoreditch.

Of course, there’s some of you who will have applied your own ‘serving up dog meat eh? I’ve been to a few places like that!’ joke already, but the Curious Canine Kitchen is an eaterie for hounds, described as a ‘Holistic private dining event for four-legged friends’.

Jesus Christ.

Mutts can look forward to a five-course ‘The Nature Way Tasting Menu’, which has drinks paired with each meal. Your pooch could find itself chowing down on Textures of Tripe with seaweed and kale puree. No really. Or it could wolf down crispy Paddywack with reishi mushroom flaxseed cream and coconut and blueberry chia pudding with gluten-free cinnamon quinoa dog biscuits.

The dribbling humans will get a treat too, being served up a ‘Rawsome tasting menu’, which is an array of raw whole food amuse-bouche and whatnot, all based around the things your dog’s being scarfing down.

Of course, you’ll be able to take any leftovers home in a doggie bag. £20 a ticket to you and your farting friend. Find out more here.

pizza sign no arms 300x162 Pizza Hut sued for excessively hard croutonsPizza, as you know, is one of the most glorious things on the planet. It is the pinnacle of human achievement. It is the thing most likely to take the skin off the roof of your mouth as you love it too much to ever think about letting it cool down before trying to eat it.

Thanks to this fondness for pizza, us humans treat it far too seriously and one fella decided to sue Pizza Hut over one of theirs.

Everett Chatman was having the time of it at his local establishment and ordered some croutons for his pizza. Yes. Apparently croutons are a thing at Pizza Hut.

Anyway, while he was tucking in, one of these little cubes of diabetes broke part of his dentures, which Chatman said was the fault of what has been described as ‘excessively hard croutons’ which Pizza Hut had ‘negligently’ given to him.

Chatman’s attorney, Mark Foster, told Roane County News: “We tried to work it out with their insurance company, but they never wanted to talk. So we went ahead and filed.”

And now, Chatman can go crazy with croutons as he won his case, bagging himself a very tidy $2,400 (£1,600) in compensation and court costs. If he wants, he can mock Pizza Hut by turning up with dentures that have rock hard croutons in place of all the teeth.

Act like a baby in new Shoreditch cafe

April 1st, 2015 5 Comments By Mof Gimmers

goo goo cafe owners Act like a baby in new Shoreditch cafeA new cafe is opening in Shoreditch which encourages patrons to relive the joys of being a baby. At London’s ‘Baby Boomer’, patrons can enjoy (if that’s the right word) an experience where they can eat Farley’s Rusks, suck dummies, have a nap and, according to the manager of the enterprise, “even be taken to the toilet, but we’re sure customers will be fine to go themselves!” according to the owners.

After the successes of the cereal cafe, and things like the ‘cuddle cafe‘ and the ball-pool for adults, there’s been upswing in businesses opening where grown-ups can kick back and relive their youth.

Owners Sylvia and Henrik Bjáni have been looking at a venture in the fashionable area of Shoreditch for a while and decided to open Baby Boomer while the market was ‘booming’. How droll.

Henrik says: “Modern life is stressful and hard, and the time you are most safe is when you’re a baby. I guess we’re offering a refuge from modern life. At Baby Boomer, you’ll be able to eat a rusk or have chopped-up-egg-in-a-cup, while listening to lullaby versions of famous rock songs.”

Henrik continued: “There’s toys to play with, ‘shakes that come in Johnson’s Baby Powder bottles and themed cakes – our kitchen is currently making edible teething rings and we’re looking at savoury brownies that will be served in a nappy. It’s just a bit of fun really.”

Sylvia added: “When we did our soft opening, we had artists, musicians and entrepreneurs popping by. What I found most interesting is that a couple of bankers came along. It is nice to think that we’re offering a way out of the rat race. We want to stir up the nostalgia that is in all of us and provide a calm environment too. It is our own twist on the cafe experience. We feel there’s nowhere like it on Earth.”

Of course, there’s similar baby cafes in Japan and the States, most notably ‘Nendo’ and ‘Womb With A View’, but this is the first time we’ve seen something like this in the UK and the cafe opens today at 8 Rufus St, London.

The menu is online, along with a load of irritatingly infantile graphics and ideas. Chopped-up-egg-in-a-cup, for example, is a duck egg with Anglesey sea salt in a Tommee Tippee cup for £4! If this is your idea of fun or you just want to get angry at something, click here to see what they’re offering.

Tesco too literal with their marketing slogans

March 25th, 2015 2 Comments By Mof Gimmers

Tesco can’t get a thing right at the moment, with legal action being taken against them for that accounting balls-up, and now, they’re being far too literal with their marketing slogans.

Have a look at this lovely scene and see if you can spot it (we didn’t, immediately).

CA2oMnYVAAAIout 500x288 Tesco too literal with their marketing slogans

While the Tesco lorry proudly crows: “You shop, we drop”, you can see that the fella in the hi-vis jacket has taken the slogan on as gospel, and dropped his load everywhere.

If advertising slogans are all correct, maybe Gillette is the best a man can get and the men of the world have already peaked, and we should just give up?

 

Boeing get patent for sci-fi forcefields!

March 24th, 2015 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

Boeing have been watching far too many science fiction films, as they’ve been granted the patent for actual forcefields. We hope that they’re also looking at tractor beams and lasers too.

Anyway, they want to use this technology to protect military vehicles and other targets – they could even use it on planes to stop birds flying into their engines.

The design is named “Method and system for shockwave attenuation via electromagnetic arc”, which is not at all catchy. An image from the patent looks like this:

design 1 480x360 Boeing get patent for sci fi forcefields!

According to patent office website USPTO, this forcefield will consist of two key elements: a sensor to detect a shockwave-producing explosion, and an arc generator that receives a signal from the sensor and uses magical energy to deflect the explosion.

“Such embodiments … may reduce the energy density of the shockwave by creating a second medium in the path of the advancing shockwave that reflects, refracts, absorbs and deflects at least a portion of the shockwave,” says the patent.

We assume Ryanair are building a Death Star as we speak.

Jagermeister pool party poisons punters

March 24th, 2015 1 Comment By Mof Gimmers

Those blessed folks at Jagermeister have worked miracles with their product – they turned a rancid, old-fashioned digestif into something young, fashionable people want to neck on nights out. Basically, Jager is the thing you drink when you want to get absolutely wrecked.

With that, the company decided to have a pool party in Mexico and someone thought it’d be a fun idea to create a fine fog over the water, because it’d look cool.

However, to create the mist, they poured liquid nitrogen into the water!

Anyone with a vague grasp of science will know that the end result was not good. Not good at all.

Basically, the pool water was turned into poison with a toxic cloud being created as the liquid reacted with the chlorine, creating nitrogen trichloride.

Nitrogen trichloride is basically something that deprives a human of oxygen. It’s a knock-out gas, in short. Party-goers went from braying and whooping to dry-heaving and passing out. Eight people ended up in hospital while one of them even ended up in a coma!

A Jagermeister spokesman said: “We are aware of this incident in Leon, Mexico, which is currently being investigated by our headquarters here in Germany. We are liaising with the responsible distributor in Mexico who is working with the event organisers and the investigating authorities to understand the full circumstances surrounding the events last Saturday night. We fully support responsible drinking and adhere to the guidelines within each market in which we operate.”

Party on, Wayne!

Tesco’s diabetes Easter Eggs!

March 24th, 2015 No Comments By Mof Gimmers

Easter is a time for gorging on all manner of tooth-rotting items, as we all know. That’s because, in The Bible, Jesus famously hatched out of a giant egg after some Romans had nailed him to a cross. On emerging from the giant egg, Jesus was dressed as a Playboy bunny, hence why we celebrate the resurrection with rabbits and eggs.

Of course, all the supermarkets like to get into the Easter spirit by displaying eggs and the like, but one branch of Tesco went off-piste with their display.

As the picture below shows, some bright spark decided to warn you of the onset of Type 2 diabetes, which could definitely be brought about by eating too much chocolate.

tesco diabetes Tescos diabetes Easter Eggs!

Dr Aseem Malhotra spotted this and shared it on Twitter with the caption: “Is this some sort of sick joke?”

We think this could be the work of someone fabulously clueless or indeed, the handiwork of a bored member of staff or someone who has just handed their notice in and resolutely doesn’t care if they get in trouble or not.

Bravo, either way.

Drunk woman performs sex act on flight

March 23rd, 2015 6 Comments By Mof Gimmers

British Airways 857 19385812 0 0 4005 300 Drunk woman performs sex act on flightGetting on a plane can be a worrying, trying experience at the best of times. Boarding a metal cylinder which hurtles through the air at huge speeds, with the potential for crashing into the hard, unforgiving earth, is enough to get your heart racing.

Imagine then, considering all that, how stressed passengers would be, if one of your fellow travellers has tried to settle their nerves with a stiff drink. Or ten. Thousand.

Well, in a flight from Jamaica which was landing at Gatwick, a lady got tanked up on booze and then started getting freaky.

The lady in question stripped off in front of her fellow passengers and then, with a flourish, decided to perform what is politely described as ‘a solo sex act’.

The 46 year old lady had quite the time of it and then, on landing, was greeted by the police who were waiting on the tarmac, holding the handcuffs and waiting to book her for being incredibly drunk on an aircraft.

British Airways aren’t in the mood for commenting on this incident.