We know we’re asking a lot for you to brave the crowds and sneak this into our Christmas stocking, but know this, punk – we’ll blow your face clean off your head if you don’t, just as soon as we’ve scrambled around the bedroom floor looking for our loaded shotgun:
It seems like a dream – but it’s real we tell you, real! There seems little else we can add beyond the strapline: “German sausage. Everything else is cheese.”
[LikeCool]
Who among us can honestly say that they’ve never wanted to own a life-size robot doppelganger of themselves? Exactly – no one.
If that’s the case, then this is the one for you, and all you’ll need to do is to be in a Sogo, Seibu, or Robinson’s department store in Japan between 1st-3rd January, with £135,000 burning a hole in your pocket.
But you won’t be able to just walk away with one, owing to the fact that the Japanese robotics firm that will be making them are only going to bother knocking out two of the things. If more than a couple of customers show up, the names will go into a robot hat.
They claim that once it’s completed, the droid will mirror the owner’s face, body, eyes and hair as well as his or her movements, facial expression and speech. Which will lead to a long and fulfilling relationship with the only person who REALLY understands you – yourself. Just don’t think about the sex.
You did it didn’t you? You went and thought about the sex. That’s an image you’ll never be able to erase from your mind now. Ah well…
[Pink Tentacle via WiredUK]
It’ll come as no surprise to learn we all have the Ask The Hoff app on our iPhone and Android handsets (cough), but if somebody could begin mass production on this, they would bring about peace and prosperity around the world this Christmas:
Seriously, I can’t decide whether I love the US or would like to see the entire country towed to the Moon without oxygen. So soon after the Necky™ blighted our eyes, this christmas gift is causing mock uproar in the British press, with The Sun branding it as “sick”. We wouldn’t go that far, but the Gin & Titonic ice cube set (“sink one in your drink!”) is a bit dickish, isn’t it?
Following an evening that saw the Bitterwallet team devour a whole suckling pig, indulge in a fist fight with a Polish drag troupe and drink all the beer in the world, we’re in no fit state to be behind the wheel this morning. So it’s just as well the Moller Skycar M400 has a joystick instead!
This phenomenon satisfies the ultimate dream of every man – the chance to be like Reed Richards in Fantastic Four 2: Rise of the Silver Surfer – and it only costs £324,000. It has room for all the family, gets a respectable 28 mpg, will zip you to the shops at 380 mph and see you cruising at heights of up to 29,000 feet, where you’ll die of cold and oxygen starvation long before you have to worry about making the next monthly payment:
Curiously, despite the fact the Skycar has been in development only for a couple of years, there are several pages of comments from satisfied owners testifying to its brilliance on Firebox. We’re yet to see them in the skies above Blighty, like in The Fifth Element, although Andy swears blind he flew one last night with sensational pop combo The Saturdays in the back seat. He should be so lucky, eh readers?
[Firebox] thanks to Bitterwallet reader Graham
Come on, admit it. You saw these and thought of us. Admittedly, you might have considered smothering our fat faces with them until the flicker of life behind our eyes was extinguished, but you were thinking of us, right?
I realise that I’ll be one of roughly 17 people who probably understands the reference, and one of three people who would actually wear a pair of MST3shades (at home, not in public), but this is our Christmas list so you can screw off if you’re not interested. The shades aren’t available to buy – you’ll have to make them – but know that these would be the best present ever. Nothing would make me happier than watch the 1954 black and white classic Them! wearing a pair:
[Thingiverse] via [Oh Gizmo]
Look, Christmas is coming up and we’re looking forward to a few days off spent semi-conscious in front of the telly, gorging on sweets and Baileys and not having to worry about whether or not the whole beautiful, gluttonous experience is going to be knackered by the onset of The Swine Flu.
So we’ll be needing a bunch of these and we’ll be needing them in the next ten days, fortnight tops. They’re called INFLU masks and they’re designed to help you contract The Swine Flu so that you can get on with having it, get over it and get on with the festive celebrations.
It works with the help of a built-in, battery-operated fan that “increases the intake of viruses in ambient air through the respiratory system.” Get in there – no fannying about with antiseptic wipes or dodging out of the way whenever someone in the vicinity sneezes.
Other than visiting London and licking every door handle you see, you’re not going to have a better chance of getting The Swine Flu out of the way pre-Christmas than with one of these.
Check out the rest of our Christmas list here and decide amongst yourselves what you’ll be buying us…
[via Gizmodo]
With Christmas coming, you’ve probably felt the stress of thinking up unique gifts for loved ones. You don’t want to get them something shitty… you want something unique… something that tells them that they are special.
We’re no different at Bitterwallet and we’ve narrowly avoided buying each other something utterly useless, like a DVD boxset or a card with a tenner in it because we’ve found the ultimate in gifts.
Ladies and gentlemen, we give you The Celestial Soul Portraits, by Erial Ali.
What you do is, send a photograph of yourself to Erial. He’ll then get in touch with you on the phone for a consultation and then he’ll meditate for a while to “tune into you” and “get your unique Essence”. Then, he’ll magically transform your essence into a Celestial Soul Portrait of you! ‘Magically’, in this case, meaning ‘MS Paint’ and ‘Photoshop Hatchet Job’.
He’ll even print it out for you so you can hang it on the wall above your bed so it can stare at you like some meth-fuelled Glasto-casualty murderer.
Erial reckons: “My mission as an Artist and Storyteller is to help the emerging Planetary Civilization live in the light of Eternity...” for $150-a-pop mind you. This ‘gift’ don’t come for fee, son. Anyway, it sounds like I’m being cynical and, well, I am. If you’d like to see how warped and vomit-inducing your soul looks like, click the link below. Be sure to enjoy the portrait of a man pissing about with a violin.
Click here to order your own picture of your soul crying.
[Spotted by Robyn]
Seriously, unless you have seventeen metric fucktons of cash in the bank, stop reading this now. You, sir, simply cannot afford to have your own personal Madame Tussauds wax figure:
Because you’d had one, wouldn’t you? Of course you would – the possibilities when in possession of your own doppelgänger are endless. You could try out outfits without looking ridiculous yourself, appear to enjoy family gatherings while you pop to the pub or snooze away the night with the good lady while enjoying some freestyle yankee doodle with the Scandanavian Queen of Scat.
“Surely one of the greatest marks of success, the thing that really sets you apart from the rest…”
Is appearing on the cover of TIME magazine? Or simply the satisfaction that your children are happy and well loved?
“…is getting a call from Madame Tussauds requesting your presence, so that they can immortalise you in wax.”
Oh, and that, obviously.
“Although your figure will not actually be displayed in Madame Tussauds itself, the quality and detail of your figure is identical to those displayed in the attraction. You won’t be restricted by opening hours and you can make like a VIP, and only invite your chosen visitors to admire your double.”
Or you could simply paint your face green and scrawl “TWAT” across your forehead whenever you leave the house. A snip at £150,000. Get out.
Thanks to Bitterwallet reader Jenni, who informs us she has ordered four
To Japan once again, for another needless product that has amused us greatly here in the real world – the golf bra.
It’s so simple we’re amazified that no one has thought of it before now. When unravelled, the bra becomes an instant putting mat, allowing you to practice your short game while your female companion looks on; topless, shivering and probably horribly afraid.
We can imagine Hugh Hefner will be ordering in a crate of these, and we’d expect Roman Abramovich to invest in one, but beyond that, it’s hard to see who they’ll appeal to. But if you get to try one out yourself, sending us pics would be an enormous boon.
And, as we’ve mentioned more than once before, we’re always on the look out for enormous boons…
Despite the onslaught of the CD and the mp3 over the past quarter of a century, vinyl refuses to die. Quite right too – there’s something warm and soulful and timeless about that slice of black plastic that can never be replicated by any other format.
So the news is that vinyl’s not going anywhere and you can screw your iPod because this is the future of musical playability. It’s called the Void LP Player and it’s a miracle of modern science. For crying out loud, look at it! The record FLOATS while it bloody well plays! As its designer, Rhea Jeong, says…
“The record player uses a carrier and dock outfitted with a magnetic and auto-calibrating control system which carries the LP into thin air as it is playing music. a self-running record player shaped in the form of a red sphere, contains a needle, amplifier and speaker, spins around the record, bringing the music to life.
The sphere that plays the vinyl was technically influenced by the ‘vinyl killer’, currently the world’s smallest LP player that has a built-in motor, amplifier and speaker. Simple colors and shapes express a kind of astronomical movement between the object and space.
The levitation is managed electronically. Once turning the player on, you can manage the elevation levels through the touch sensors on the front side of the base unit.”
Sounds like a load of old dicking bollocks doesn’t it? Mmm… sadly, the key word about Rhea is ‘designer’ – even sadlier, the Void is not real, well not at this stage. Probably never if the truth be told. It’s merely a concept – and a bastard sexy one too.
If Rhea can manage to mass-produce these before Decemeber 25th, then we’ll definitely have one. Unless it costs more than £200.
It gets cold here in Bitterwallet HQ. Mighty cold. It’s mostly because we’ve got no heating and the only source of warmth is HotUKDeals on the floor below, but when things are slow down there it’s colder than a witch’s tit in here.
What we’d love is a roaring fireplace, but the boss told us to “go and swivel” when we asked him for one. In the absence of a lovely log fire, he said we’d have to settle for one of those authentic fireplace DVDs instead.
So, after minutes of research, we stumbled upon this festive treat, Jingle Belles. It contains unending footage of a crackling fire, but every so often, headless but not unattractive women home into view, toasting marshmallows and swanking about with Christmas gifts. It’s mesmerising.
Oh, yeah, there’s a one for the ladies too, with oiled beefcake parading around. Whatever.
The world is filled with pointless and dry self-help books. Between us all, we’ve (skim) read every single one and, testament to their usefulness, we’re all spectacular failures.
However, this could all change with one of the weirder business books on the market. Notably, The 50th Law which is co-written by 50 Cent.
In this book, you can get useful tips about becoming a successful entrepreneur… which could well mean How To Slash Open The Face Of The Opposition Because They’re Stood On Your Patch.
There’s the small matter of this success coming with a price-tag of getting shot nine times, one in the face… but for you, it should retail at around a tenner.
Of course, it’s worth pointing out that Fiddy is indeed, considerably richer than you or I, so it’s perhaps a bit churlish to snicker at this book. That said, it does conjure up other potential self-help books written by unscrupulous gits. Personally, I’m waiting for ‘Power Through Anxiety‘ by Darth Vader and ‘How To Bury The Competition‘ by Slobodan Milošević.
Until then, we’ll get rich or die tryin’… which means that I’ll probably be pushing up daisies by next Tuesday.
[BBC]
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