10 Ways To Piss Off Your Bank

22 November 2008

A bank manager, yesterday.

Now that they've f***ed everything up and are having to accept billions of pounds of taxpayers’ cash to cover their arses, there surely isn’t anyone else on the high street that boils the blood of its customers quite so much as your ‘friendly’ bank. But we don’t have to take it any more – here’s how you can get your revenge.

1:  KEEP AN EYE ON YOUR CASH
Make an appointment with the branch manager. When you get there, ask to see your money. This will upset him. Then, check the serial numbers on the notes and complain that it isn’t the same money you deposited.

2:  MAKE YOUR OWN CHEQUES
Present something ridiculous like a tractor tyre as a cheque. This is perfectly legal, as long as it has all of the correct details and signature on it like a normal cheque. The bank won’t like it but they will have to accept it.


3:  WASTE THEIR TIME AND YOURS

Pay a pound into your account and then withdraw it straight away. Then go to the back of the queue and when you get to the front, do it all again. It’s best to do this with a few mates so that you can really take up loads of the bank’s precious time.

4: GET YOUR HANDS ON EVERYTHING YOU CAN
If your bank offers statements in Braille or large type, ask for them. Same goes for left-handed cheque books. Say you like to write with alternate hands on alternate days.

Biscuits. Every bank shareholder's right.

5:  BECOME A SHAREHOLDER
Buy a few shares in your bank and suddenly you’ve got the right to go to their AGM. Once there, you can ask stupid questions, try to start a singalong or just pretend to fall asleep. You might even get some free tea and biscuits.

6:  BE SECURE
Ring up your bank and they’ll probably ask you a dozen security questions. Get your own back by telling them you’ll only deal with one nominated person in future and that they have to have a unique PIN number – one with 30 digits in it.

7:  SAY YES

Banks love to sell you stuff and are desperate for you to have a ‘personal review’ of your account. This gives them the chance to flog you credit cards and loans that you don’t want. Make an appointment for a review but don’t bother to turn up. A quick call to say that you’re running late for the appointment will help twist the knife further.

8:  FEIGN IGNORANCE
Pretend you can’t understand your statements and ask to sit down with an account manager. Revel in the look on his face as you ask him to explain what a direct debit is. Be as obtuse as you possibly can.

[caption id="attachment_3449" align="alignleft" width="200" caption=""Keep this for me and there's a quid in it for you""]

"Keep this for me and there's a quid in it for you" [/caption]

9:  BE SILLY
Find out just what they will and won’t let you do. Ask if you can deposit your goldfish into your account while you go on holiday. If they say no, tell them you’ll leave a pound coin in the fish’s bowl for your account. They’ll probably still say no but you’ve wasted their time and that’s the important thing.

10:  REMIND THEM THAT THEY’RE SCUM
One Yorkshire Bank customer was so pissed off with them that he changed his name by deed poll to Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist Bastards. Then the bank had to change the name on all of his debit cards and cheque books. Result.

TOPICS:   Banking

17 comments

  • dave
    freaking awsome!!! i haven't read an article that has made me laugh like this for ages!!!
  • vlcplayer
    LoL
  • bernard
    Why not send 100 friends a cheque for 1p each and encourage them to do the same.
  • Andy D.
    Brilliant. Mass pettiness. Love it.
  • Cheney
    Andy...sheer genius. Bernard...I'm doing it now...brilliant. Phuck 'em !
  • Atiq M.
    Is it possible to have 'laugh orgasm'? Well I've just had one!! Keep up the great work Andy, give me a month to recover though (it was a big one!!)
  • mudisoft
    amazing! I might just try some of these :P lol
  • Andy
    Sound like a 5 year old wrote this
  • veedubjai
    Reply @ Bernard. Very funny. Like option 10 the most. Must try some time. Good idea. If any have the unfortunate to deal with a bad company for any bill payments or bad customer services, just send bill invoice cheque payments to them in pennies but you can back date them as well. Just make sure it's PRINTED OUT CLEARLY & complain to them you got bad service so expect them to receive bad customer & take it direct with CEO for complaints. Some more ideals to piss any company off via The Customer Is Not Always Right. But remember to RESPECT the customer advisor jsut the way you like to be respected as they are only human & can make mistakes. Don't blame everyone for it as they are good advisors & bad advisors in any company that may require more training. Just report the bad advisors to the management for feedback with a courtesy apology from the bad advisor, that way it will teach the advisor a lesson to learn & not piss off customers. Check out: The Customer Is Not Always Right http://notalwaysright.com/
  • Andy S.
    This is rubbish. I want my bank to make loads of money so that they can pay the goverment back. What a load of old horse cobbles
  • Fed-up B.
    [...] do we think John Albany is Andy Dawson? Because of this.  The two men share a brain, for crying out [...]
  • a i.
    My dad has a different way of wasting bank's money. When ever any company sends him some spam with a return envelope, he'll fill the envelope with some other company's spam and mail it back to them FREE of charge ofcourse because the postage is already paid!
  • Bank B.
    [...] up with your bank? Here’s a few ways you can piss THEM off for a [...]
  • Spending B.
    [...] stick it to The Man, we’ve backed you all the way. For example, Andy has long been a fan of wasting the time of financial institutions and yesterday we brought you news of US police officers forcing a towing company to accept a fine [...]
  • Nobby
    About 15 years ago, I went into my bank (Lloyds) to try to get change for a £50 note, and they refused. So I paid it into my account. Then queued up again at the same cashier and took it out again, asking for five £10 notes. Later that month I closed the account, informing them it was because of the behaviour of their cashier, Mandy Jenkins. Strange how I can remember her name after all this time.
  • Darius B.
    Superb posts, I am a big time fan of your site, keep up the nice work, and I will be a regular visitor for a very long time.
  • Gordan F.
    The occupation of Wall Street, the London Stock Exchange and others goes Global in 951 Cities in 80 Countries around the World. This is the beginning of the end for Governments and Banks who ignore the protesting public. Ordinary law abiding citizens have seen corrupt Governments bail out Banks with taxpayer money. Then devalue the £ pound to inflate away the Government and Corrupt Fraudsters debts. This has lead to Hyperinflation for all Taxpayers and the destruction of security of tenure for many homeowners who have been repossessed by the Banking Gangsters, with Government and Courts approval. For the Greedy Banks who make more money by repossessing homes. Than assisting homeowners. If you have money you have power, and you are able to buy off most in Government, Banking, Finance, Insurance, and the Media, this is fact. What Governments are attempting to do is hide the truth about the gigantic debt owed by the Banking Gangsters and Insurers who have stolen £ trillions from you and many future generations. The truth is the BANKS and INSURERS do not know just how much Money they have lost, or need to pay out. But the gambled away and lost money by UK BANKS and INSURERS is in £ trillions. Just how much this equates to is: You would have to pay back one million Pound a day (for 2000 years, just to pay off three quarters of a trillion Pound. If we put this into time: A million seconds is around 11.5 days. A billion seconds is around 32 years. And a trillion seconds is approximately 32,000 years. A Pound a second for 32,000 years Banks and Government and its Agencies cannot be trusted they are Crooks Fraudsters and much worse. I would certainly advise any business to keep everything away from prying eyes. Most of the Banks have hundreds of subsidiaries that are Competitors to most businesses. They are Ruthless and Intent on getting hold of inside information for its Group Subsidiaries. The same applies to all Government Departments and Agencies; it’s not unusual for your designs ideas plans or methods to be stolen by Government Departments and restrictive impossible terms (then used in competition against you. What has been Normal Business for large Corporate Insurers, Banks, etc such as buying off Ministers and MPs has meant that in Britain SMEs small and medium enterprises have been starved of Funding, Help, Assistance, Relocation, Premises etc. And (had instead Planning Objections, Restrictions, Bureaucracy, Red tape, a Multitudes of Taxes and Destructive, Restrictive Policies from past and present Governments. For years Government has only been interested in looking after those elite few who pay £millions in all manner of bribes to have their dirty work done for them. When the Government stops its fraud, and the Banks Insurers and Corporate do the same, then and only then will Britain become what it once was (GB) Great Britain. But things are changing quickly the Baby Boomers are Angry they have the numbers and have seen the Corruption and Fraud just like their sons and daughters have. Meaning the next elections will come sooner than this Corrupt Government and MPs would like, and if the newly elected don’t do the publics bidding they will be booted out as well until they do. Also the younger generation will not tolerate the hype or bottom of the pile crap fed by a Government Controlled Media to placate them. ITSFRAUD and they know it. The recent riots are a precursor of what may come next should the young be ignored. They have no prospects hope or future because this and previous Corrupt Governments took the Financial Markets Money, and didn’t invest in small businesses this destroyed manufacturing their only hope of a decent job. Yet they see the MPs commit fraud Ministers being paid by Corporate Insurers, Bankers being paid Millions, Police taking bribes, while they exist on the cost of a bankers shoe lace. If they riot again, and they are angry, they will take control because they know there isn’t enough police or military. A Government spokesman recently broadcast that fact, (multiple attacks could not be dealt with especially while the Crooks in charge are on holiday. Austerity, Taxes, Fines, Vat, Fuel, Food and other Commodity increases imposed by the IMF are seen to be unjust. Especially when a recent very wealthy IMF chief appears in News reports to be able to avoid alleged very serious criminal proceedings with a chequebook and expensive lawyer. But no matter what happens now, the public are in unity; they will not allow the Banks to be bailed out again. No matter how long the inevitable is delayed, or QE or whatever other names it is called ITSFRAUD. 951 Cities residents in 80 Countries Protesting. Watch this public protest movement grow much larger. Corrupt Banks and Insurers are under scrutiny.

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