Ban this filth! Local government says no to strippers, gamblers and doner meat

April 14th, 2012 28 Comments By Andy Dawson

Bitterwallet The Best Kebab 300x224 Ban this filth! Local government says no to strippers, gamblers and doner meatThe High Street is under attack! Not from aliens or Nazis, but from takeaways, strip clubs and bookmakers! That’s the message from the local governments across the land, which has been leaked on the day when the bookmakers are absolutely raking it in.

New research by the Local Government Association shows that the town halls of the UK want more powers to deal with the aforementioned dens of sin and kebab meat, as there are real worries that they are becoming a blot on the otherwise-pristine High Streets.

It seems that the powers-that-be would prefer the sight of local retail shops, restaurants, butchers and libraries. Yes, butchers. So they like the idea of meat, just not kebab meat.

Councillor Clyde Loakes, vice-chair of the LGA’s environment and housing board, said: “The general public are less likely to shop on High Streets with clustering, while businesses may be less willing to set up on roads with clusters of unsavoury takeaways and raunchy sex shows.”

Come on Clyde Loakes (love the name by the way), it could be worse – you could have raunchy takeaways and unsavoury sex shows instead. Imagine THAT.

Comments (28) Jump to most recent comment
  1. Posted by Boris April 14, 2012 at 10:21 am

    I for one would like to keep keep the sex shops off teh high street and in back passages. There would be far less chance of me getting caught going into one that way.

    How’s your cock and bollocks Andrew ‘Andy’ Dawson?

  2. Posted by A family butcher April 14, 2012 at 10:23 am

    Got some lovely ‘pork’ coffin shaped pies for sale today folks. Get them while they’re warm.

  3. Posted by The Real Bob April 14, 2012 at 11:25 am

    I was unfortunate enough to attend a council meeting (we were having a bit of a protest) where they did a full presentation on how to save the shops in the local village, they’d spent months looking at ways to save them apparently, the bottom line was “we can’t”. Bizarre, because not once did they mention not having traffic wardens nick you for spending more than 30 seconds parked outside them, they have parking bays the whole way along but they’re loading only.

  4. Posted by catweazle April 14, 2012 at 11:33 am

    Local government is where politicians practice fucking up your town, before going on to fuck up the whole country .

  5. Posted by Richard April 14, 2012 at 11:46 am

    The problem is that the people in government are mainly politicians and the only skill a politician has is the ability to get into government. Ideally you want people with genuine skills to fix things such as lawyers or economists in government but the public are idiots and always end up voting for politicians because they are more ‘shiny’ :-P

  6. Posted by Boris April 14, 2012 at 11:53 am

    There are plenty of lawyers in government. Thick bastards.

  7. Posted by shoplifter April 14, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    Councillor Clyde Loakes, vice-chair of the LGA’s environment and housing board, said: “The general public are less likely to shop on High Streets with clustering, while businesses may be less willing to set up on roads with clusters of unsavoury takeaways and raunchy sex shows.”

    Fuck me….are these people clueless or what,they either have vested interests or do not give a shit, probaly the latter when you see 5 betting shops and 6 takeaways all on the same high street…..it`s a great advert for the high street seeing losers stood outside betting shops eating kebabs swigging from a can…and this just 2 mins away from the olympics….

  8. Posted by BrainDrain April 14, 2012 at 12:32 pm

    Richard, no-one has any intention of fixing things. They create solutions that suit both the public, themselves and their allies, which leads to the next set of problems. If politicians tried to do what was ‘best for the country’ (which each person defines differently) , then they would lose support of anyone in the public or in business who stands to lose from the changes. Would a 3-year-old vote for the parents who won’t give him sweets? That’s why any politician with altruistic intentions would be mauled to death by the network of forces which includes the public, business, old money, and the media.
    All politicians can do is make promises , shift blame, take credit and spend our money in trying to keep themselves in £80K + expenses, multiple homes and a massive state pension to fund a relaxing retirement. There are plenty of voters out there to keep this game going until all the money is gone, by acting in their own self-interest.

  9. Posted by Dogturd fucking Abi April 14, 2012 at 1:39 pm

    I’d like to see packs of foxes hanging around on the high street. A much better sight than that of chavs loitering outside kebab shops.

    Imagine how much extra trade the foxes would drum up in the sex shops.

  10. Posted by Supertramp April 14, 2012 at 3:04 pm

    I once puked in my ‘king’ kebab and continued eating. After all, i’d paid £4!

  11. Posted by Expendable Blueshirt April 14, 2012 at 3:31 pm

    Maybe I’m just being thick, but surely people are less likely to shop on streets that’re loaded with bookies, strip clubs and kebabs because there’s less shops on those streets?

  12. Posted by maxtweenie April 14, 2012 at 5:29 pm

    Never mind the sex shops and takeaways, it’s the estate agents and charity shops that are killing the High Street. And stop using the picture of the Best Kebab on Old Street to illustrate a point. I eat there once a week, and they really do the best kebabs in that part of London.

  13. Posted by dai April 14, 2012 at 9:31 pm

    Surely the solution here is to offer a single license covering all three, meaning more room for nice safe middle class shops. I could put money on a horse, eat doner meat and chips, and watch a ropey bint parade round in her bra and pants all under one roof. Ladies and gentlemen I HAVE SEEN THE FUTURE!

    Nags, Norks and Kebabs.

  14. Posted by Commander Data April 15, 2012 at 3:18 am

    I once got to touch the Borg Queens norks and admire her flappy kebab meat but I got sick of her nagging me, wanting to stroke my titanium wand so me and a mate killed her.

  15. Posted by Dick April 15, 2012 at 3:05 pm

    The reason there are so many is because that is what people want. And mobile phone shops and overpriced coffee shops, too, of course. They make money and so they survive. No-one wants shops selling nick-nacks such as scale models of Ed Milliband, which is why I smashed their windows and posted dog shit through the letter box until they got the message.

  16. Posted by Biff Walnut April 15, 2012 at 4:30 pm

    I had a fist in a kebab once

  17. Posted by Prince Yubi April 16, 2012 at 9:30 am

    My home is the planet Antars, way off in another galaxy. My mother is there, probably in prison. My father is dead. I have guardian. Sorta. He’s not really a person. He’s a droid. Also from Antars.

    We do not get Kebab’s on Antars. Or foxes. I am very confused.

  18. Posted by Mike Hock April 16, 2012 at 9:30 am

    What will they do with all the influx of Alsatians then?

  19. Posted by Prince Yubi April 16, 2012 at 10:11 am

    What on Antars is an “Alsatian” Is it a strange race of people ?

  20. Posted by Boris Becker April 16, 2012 at 10:38 am

    I believe the correct name for them is German Shepherds. I think the Alsatian name was made up during the war because people didn’t like German things, please correct me if I am wrong. Do you like German things Prince Yubi ? Being a Prince you must have a knowledge of the history of Royal families.

  21. Posted by Mike Hock April 16, 2012 at 10:55 am

    They also changed their name because they wqere really shit at sheep hearding. One Alsatian was quoted as saying “We like eating sheep, so were shit at sheep hearding. We would prefer to rip chavs limb from limb”

  22. Posted by The Real Bob April 16, 2012 at 11:02 am

    Sheep hearding? Is that the art of hearing sheep go ding or some such?

  23. Posted by Gorgeous Spluff Knickers April 16, 2012 at 11:17 am

    Hear! Hear! This site is AMAZING! I heard about it from a friend, I didn’t know it was this FANTASTIC! I want Andy Dawson’s babies. I could keep them fresh in a Carkoon to eat later!

  24. Posted by Mike Hock April 16, 2012 at 1:07 pm

    YES! You win a prize The Real Bob, a prize BELL-END!

  25. Posted by Rank Screen Advertising April 17, 2012 at 1:14 pm

    If it stops you from breeding I’ll be more than happy to accept.

  26. Posted by Jase April 19, 2012 at 5:27 pm

    As much as Wakefield is a complete shithole full of chavs, it’s layout seems to work pretty well.

    Westgate is where the majority the kebab shops and nightclubs reside; further up are a lot of the betting shops. So between the train station and bus station, you get most of the squalor out of the way.

    The actual high-street runs beside the cathedral, with two shopping centres (Ridings & Trinity Walk) nearby. Parking isn’t too bad either, Trinity Walk is 80p per hour (with card machines, so no dicking about with change).

    The problem with Wakefield is that on top of people having little money, they’re all tight-fisted. So the high-street isn’t as good as it could be because no-one is willing to spend money; so the only shops that really survive are budget stuff (e.g. poundshops) and the big companies that can afford to piss money up the wall anyway (e.g. McDonald’s).

    Wakefield looks like shithole because that’s what has formed from the [little] money of its residents.

  27. Posted by Badly Packed Kebabs April 19, 2012 at 5:39 pm

    Surely the common link here is the aesthetic resemblance between a lady’s parts and a kebab? I believe this Lyde Cloakes is, in fact, a vaginaphobic.

  28. Posted by Nearly as fat as Loakes but twice as smart April 22, 2012 at 2:40 pm

    Clyde Loakes has had it in for kebab shops for years. First he said it was because of littering, then he pretended that banning new kebab shops near schools would make young people into Olympians. What he never says is that he hates them because it was a kebab addiction that turned him into the porky self-hating slob he is today.

    And as for strip joints, there is not a single strip joint on Walthamstow High Street, so what is he complaining about? There are a load of bookies, but they were allowed to spread like a rash because the Labour Party let dodgy Tessa Jowell make sure they could for her pals in the gamblng industry when she brought in the 2005 Gambling Act.

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