It’s official – bacon and sausages and everything that tastes good will shorten your life, it was announced today.

In case you didn’t know that having a massive hog fry up for your breakfast every day was a health risk, scientists have discovered a definite link between early death and processed meats.

The long range study, using people in 10 countries over 13 years, found that sausages were directly responsible for 1 in 30 premature deaths. People eating about two sausages and a slice of bacon a day – otherwise known as LEGENDS – were 44% more likely to die than those eating significantly less.

The lovely lovely salt and chemicals that make things taste good are the culprits, and can give you all sorts of things like heart attacks, strokes and bowel cancer. Tracey Parker from the British Heart Foundation said: “If you eat lots of processed meat, try to vary your diet with other protein choices such as chicken, fish, beans or lentils.”

HAHAHAHA. Lentils.

It’s still OK to eat some – less than 10g a day – but really, what kind of a life is it without a bacon butty every hour? We’re here for a good time, not a long time, right? And as James Dean said: ‘Live fast, die young, leave a sausage-addled, delicious ketchup-filled corpse.’