10 Ways To Piss Off Your Bank
By Andy Dawson
A bank manager, yesterday.
Now that they’ve f***ed everything up and are having to accept billions of pounds of taxpayers’ cash to cover their arses, there surely isn’t anyone else on the high street that boils the blood of its customers quite so much as your ‘friendly’ bank. But we don’t have to take it any more – here’s how you can get your revenge.
1: KEEP AN EYE ON YOUR CASH
Make an appointment with the branch manager. When you get there, ask to see your money. This will upset him. Then, check the serial numbers on the notes and complain that it isn’t the same money you deposited.
2: MAKE YOUR OWN CHEQUES
Present something ridiculous like a tractor tyre as a cheque. This is perfectly legal, as long as it has all of the correct details and signature on it like a normal cheque. The bank won’t like it but they will have to accept it.
3: WASTE THEIR TIME AND YOURS
Pay a pound into your account and then withdraw it straight away. Then go to the back of the queue and when you get to the front, do it all again. It’s best to do this with a few mates so that you can really take up loads of the bank’s precious time.
4: GET YOUR HANDS ON EVERYTHING YOU CAN
If your bank offers statements in Braille or large type, ask for them. Same goes for left-handed cheque books. Say you like to write with alternate hands on alternate days.
Biscuits. Every bank shareholder's right
5: BECOME A SHAREHOLDER
Buy a few shares in your bank and suddenly you’ve got the right to go to their AGM. Once there, you can ask stupid questions, try to start a singalong or just pretend to fall asleep. You might even get some free tea and biscuits.
6: BE SECURE
Ring up your bank and they’ll probably ask you a dozen security questions. Get your own back by telling them you’ll only deal with one nominated person in future and that they have to have a unique PIN number – one with 30 digits in it.
7: SAY YES
Banks love to sell you stuff and are desperate for you to have a ‘personal review’ of your account. This gives them the chance to flog you credit cards and loans that you don’t want. Make an appointment for a review but don’t bother to turn up. A quick call to say that you’re running late for the appointment will help twist the knife further.
8: FEIGN IGNORANCE
Pretend you can’t understand your statements and ask to sit down with an account manager. Revel in the look on his face as you ask him to explain what a direct debit is. Be as obtuse as you possibly can.
"Keep this for me and there's a quid in it for you"
9: BE SILLY
Find out just what they will and won’t let you do. Ask if you can deposit your goldfish into your account while you go on holiday. If they say no, tell them you’ll leave a pound coin in the fish’s bowl for your account. They’ll probably still say no but you’ve wasted their time and that’s the important thing.
10: REMIND THEM THAT THEY’RE SCUM
One Yorkshire Bank customer was so pissed off with them that he changed his name by deed poll to Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist Bastards. Then the bank had to change the name on all of his debit cards and cheque books. Result.
Posted in Consumer hacks, Resources and tools, money November 22nd, 2008 | 15 Comments
feral trolley of the week
freaking awsome!!! i haven’t read an article that has made me laugh like this for ages!!!
LoL
Why not send 100 friends a cheque for 1p each and encourage them to do the same.
Brilliant. Mass pettiness. Love it.
Andy…sheer genius.
Bernard…I’m doing it now…brilliant.
Phuck ‘em !
Is it possible to have ‘laugh orgasm’? Well I’ve just had one!!
Keep up the great work Andy, give me a month to recover though (it was a big one!!)
amazing! I might just try some of these
lol
Sound like a 5 year old wrote this
Reply @ Bernard. Very funny. Like option 10 the most. Must try some time.
Good idea. If any have the unfortunate to deal with a bad company for any bill payments or bad customer services, just send bill invoice cheque payments to them in pennies but you can back date them as well. Just make sure it’s PRINTED OUT CLEARLY & complain to them you got bad service so expect them to receive bad customer & take it direct with CEO for complaints. Some more ideals to piss any company off via The Customer Is Not Always Right. But remember to RESPECT the customer advisor jsut the way you like to be respected as they are only human & can make mistakes. Don’t blame everyone for it as they are good advisors & bad advisors in any company that may require more training. Just report the bad advisors to the management for feedback with a courtesy apology from the bad advisor, that way it will teach the advisor a lesson to learn & not piss off customers.
Check out: The Customer Is Not Always Right
http://notalwaysright.com/
This is rubbish. I want my bank to make loads of money so that they can pay the goverment back. What a load of old horse cobbles
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My dad has a different way of wasting bank’s money. When ever any company sends him some spam with a return envelope, he’ll fill the envelope with some other company’s spam and mail it back to them FREE of charge ofcourse because the postage is already paid!
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About 15 years ago, I went into my bank (Lloyds) to try to get change for a £50 note, and they refused. So I paid it into my account. Then queued up again at the same cashier and took it out again, asking for five £10 notes. Later that month I closed the account, informing them it was because of the behaviour of their cashier, Mandy Jenkins. Strange how I can remember her name after all this time.