Are you in the business of keeping yourself looking smart and flashing your shiny white while om-nom-noming on a tub of ice cream? You are? Well come this way then…

Don’t mind those people over there – they’ve been beavering away at HotUKDeals, sniffing out the bargains for us all.

Despite what the so-called television ‘funnymen’ like Bill Oddie and Roy Walker might say, there’s nothing wrong at all with supermarket clothing. It’s well made, it’s durable, it’s got a vague whiff of style about it sometimes and you can always wash your windows with it when it’s fucked.

All reasons why the announcement of a sale of Tesco’s finest garb is a cause for mass celebration. Skilfully use various codes and you can get up to 40% off and some cashback as well. Now won’t you look all lovely?

On a far more serious note, we move on to teeth. Possibly man’s deadliest natural weapon (with the talon coming a close second), it is believed that we have over 50,000 uses for our teeth, compared to just 7 for our toothless gums.

So children, look after your gnashers. You can do that and save some cash by partaking in a high-profile dental sale that’s going on right now. ‘Half price’ is what they’re roaring through their clenched pearly whites. Get on it.

Do you hate your beautiful, shining teeth? Are you afraid to smile because they’re so bloody perfect? Have you smashed up all your mirrors in case you accidentally get a glimpse of them? Well do something about it you damn fool!

You could start by investing in some of this Asda Loaded Black Forest ice cream. It’s normally £2.47 for a 480ml tub but right now it’s only 50p. The wizards at HotUKDeals haven’t comfirmed whether it’s a nationwide offer or not but we can all dream until they do. Death to teeth!

(deals found by HUKD members Southern Bride, vadis and adamrwood)

Tippex eh? Anyone still using that in the so-called ‘digital’ age? No, thought not. Somewhere there’s an abandoned Tippex factory, with ex-Monkee in the middle of it, rocking back and forth in the foetal position as he wonders where his inheritance has gone.

But all that could change, thanks to a new YouTube-based marketing viral interactive video thingy that Tippex have launched and that is sweeping the nation, nay globe, RIGHT BLOODY NOW.

It looks like a simple ad but it’s more, so much more. And yes, the obvious one DOES work.

Bitterwallet reader Phil had a peruse of Sainsbury’s Family Night promotion – cheap DVDs for the whole family to enjoy, and an easy way to pass the time before the little shits are back at school.

What to choose, then? Perhaps The Curious Case of Benjamin Button? Dull, but at least it’s certificate 12A. Unlike the deathfest of a film 300, which is certificate 15 and involves an awful lot of stabbing and maiming.

So less a family-friendly promotion, and more an excuse for Sainsbury’s to flog all the crapola that isn’t selling at full price, then?

We all know that the Dutch are a pretty liberal bunch but these Greenpeace ads are a bit odd. Aimed at raising awareness for forest-saving, they start off with the typical raunchy striptease scene that we expect most Dutch ads consist entirely of. There’s a girl version and a boy version, so that there’s something for everyone.

But the ending! Oh, the ending! The only phrase we can think of to describe it is ‘human topiary’. We’re pretty sure that it’s Not Suitable For Work, although where we work, here in the BW HQ, pretty much anything goes. Except watching the ends of these ads more than once.

Put it down you fat fuck

Stelios is back! The man who wowed us with easyJet and then made us all go “Um, yeah, whatever” with its cinema and hotel equivalent is back, back, BACK – with the easyGym!

It’s due to launch next year and will enable exercise junkies to get their fitness fix without straining their, erm, wallet muscles too much. As a result, the gyms will not have so-called ‘luxury’ features such as swimming pools and saunas. In fact, we hope they’re equipped solely with gear lifted from 1980’s Soviet Union ‘sports camps’ but have to admit that it’s unlikely.

Stelios himself says: “As a gym user – admittedly perhaps not as often as I should – I have noticed many inefficiencies in the system and believe there is a simpler and more efficient way to cater for the needs of the consumer.” Gym user eh?

We’re waiting for a response from Ryanair boss Sky Marshall O’Leary on this one – you might remember that the Sky Marshall has mocked Stelios over his weight in the past and recently challenged him to a race around Trafalgar Square. Perhaps the easyGym is a way for Stelios to get in shape for said race.

But what if Ryanair did gyms – what would THAT be like? Hmmm… over to you, avid readers…

[Brand Republic]

At the IFA in Berlin this morning – a big ol’ electronics and gadgets fair that showcases new products – Samsung officially launched the Galaxy Tab, their high profile tablet PC.

Actually, it’s difficult to say whether it’s a tablet or an oversized phone. It has a 7 inch screen, runs on Android 2.2 and is 3G capable, so it’s creating a curious sub-market inbetween large screen smartphones and iPad-sized tablets.

It’s available in two flavours – 16GB or 32GB, which is expandable by 32GB more. Connectivity allows for 3G, WiFi and Bluetooth, and the device also supports Adobe Flash Player 10.1. It also serves up front and rear-facing cameras – functionality that Apple should have included in the iPad from day one.

Vodafone (shudder) have already confirmed they will be European distributors for the Galaxy Tab from October – the only question now is price.

A 9.7 inch 3G iPad weights in at £529, a 5 inch Dell Streak is £449, but if Samsung attempts a price point between the two, it’s unlikely to establish the company as the market leader it clearly wants to be. Without Apple’s dominence in the market, the Dell Streak hasn’t managed any traction; if Samsung want to be first choice for tablets – and they’ve plans for plenty more products in the coming months – they probably need to be aiming for below £400, otherwise mainstream consumers are unlikely to look beyond their shiny iPads.

Some energy, yesterday

Four of the ‘big six’ energy suppliers are in ‘big trouble’ with industry regulator Ofgem following mis-selling allegations and they could face ‘big punishments’ – but they probably won’t, obviously.

The face-to-face and telephone sales tactics of Npower, Scottish Power, Scottish and Southern Energy, and EDF Energy are to be investigated amid claims that some customers are finding themselves worse off after switching energy suppliers, possibly due to waffle, bollocks and mumbo jumbo.

New rules regarding sales were introduced at the end of last year, stating that potential customers must receive an estimate before a face-to-face sale is completed and that a comparison between their current and offered deal is provided. It has been alleged that this new code is not being fully adhered to. We stand amazed.

Following the conclusion of the Ofgem their CEOs could face one of the following punishments…

(a) Being wrapped up in a windsock and fired out of a cannon into the side of a shipping container.

(b) Being made to dress up as a Victorian prostitute before plying their ‘trade’ outside Millwall FC’s ground on a match day.

(c) Have their arms and legs surgically fused together before being dropped into a vat of hot tea.

(d) None of the above

In truth, it’s probably going to be (d) and they’ll probably end up with a warning or a fine that won’t actually be noticed thanks to their gargantuan profits. And life will go on pretty much the same as it was before…

If we’re arse-baringly honest about it, the BT ads featuring manchild Kris Marshall getting some dreary MILF up the duff were about as stimulating as a handjob from Tattoo in Fantasy Island. Cringing dialogue counterpointed by advertising messages so obvious they caused blunt force trauma (”FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, PLEASE USE YOUR HOME LANDLINE”) left the audience feeling like they’d watched 30 seconds of milk curdling.

But where to next? How can BT possibly top an improbably poor advertising campaign that will fade from the memory quicker than Steve Brookstein? With this:

Avid Bitterwallet reader Justin gets enough crap shovelled through his door, without the need for scummy faux flyers that smack of desperation: “After their online badger-bating they’ve now stooped to paper snail-mail shots that approximate broadband to a cat.” Stay classy, BT. And for the love of sweet baby Jesus, stop giving money to Kris Marshall.

Exciting times from California this evening. Well, maybe. Well, probably. Sort of. Here’s the rundown of what Lord Jobs decreed moments ago:

iOS 4.1 will be released next week for iPhone and iPod Touch, to include:

• fixes to previous bugs, including a promised solution for long-suffering iPhone 3G users. Thank. Christ.

• the ability to take HDR photos – it automatically creates mosaics of photos taken at different exposures to produce images with more detail

• new Games Center functionality that’ll allow gamers to connect through apps, including shared gameplay and scoreboards

iOS4.2 will be released later in November for iPad, iPhone and iPod Touch including iOS 4 improvements like multitasking, as well as wireless printing

The iPod range has been overhauled, from Shuffle to the iPod Touch:

• the new iPod Shuffle is based on the squarer second generation, but dinkier, and includes playlists and 15 hours battery time, and will be $49 for 2 GB.

• the iPod Nano loses the circular track-wheel, to be replaced with a multi-touch screen; it’s something of a comedy device – it’s almost too small to hold. The iPod Nano is $99 for 8 GB.

•the new iPod Touch will include Retina Display, both a front and rear camera, including FaceTime and HD video capability, and costs from $229 for the 8GB version

And then we were onto iTunes. Yes, it kept on coming and the audience took any excuse to holler like a pack of sycophantic banshees. iTunes 10 will include Ping, a new social network for iTunes users, allowing users to connect to friends and generate newsfeeds of music and events. “It’s not Facebook, it’s not Twitter.” Actually, yes it is, Steve. It’s Facebook.

Finally, onto Apple TV – a new teeny tiny box for rented tv shows and movies, costing just 99¢ per show to rent for 48 hours. No word yet on what shows will be available in the UK, except to say that there will be content available in this country. It’ll cost $99.

Hyped up about this evening’s Apple announcement? Of course you are. Take your mind off the pressure by buying all of this amazing stuff instead.

All courtesy of HotUKDeals – where amazing stuff is as common as biscuits.

Are you looking for a new kitchen gizmo that chops, dices, peels, boils, hardens, straightens, melts, steams, invisiblises and microwaves? You’re wasting your time – there’s no such thing.

We can offer you something that will microwave though – it’s called a microwave. It’s made by Daewoo, it’s only £39.99 and it’s brilliant. But like wheelie bins, don’t put a cat in it. Well, you can put a cat in it, but don’t switch it on. For too long.

Next up, we’ve got some earphones that have arrived from the esteemed house of Sennheiser – renowned makers of ear-flavoured equipment that will make your day go faster as you get to listen to nice music instead of nearby idiots talking.

What we have ‘ear’ (do you see what we did there?) is the Sennheiser MX 55 VC in-ear earphones and you know what? Come closer… they’re only £5.00. That’s right – a fiver. Majestical stuff.

Finally a film that has divided opinion like no other since 1978’s saucy British comedy ‘Gay Vicars Up Ladders’. Obviously we speak about the recent remake of Star Trek, where the original 1960s’ characters are played by thrusting young ‘noughties’ actors.

It’s almost certainly fair to say that absolutely everyone who has seen this film has seen this film. But if you haven’t, you can now, on DVD for just £2.55. To infinity and beyond, as they say in the movie…

(deals found by HUKD members toddy888, Guyver and whizzkid)

As promised, we’ve more advice for those looking to cancel their Vodafone contract over the new Out of Bundle charges to be introduced on 1 October. You can read about the issue in detail here, but essentially Vodafone is looking to impose hard caps on the amount of data some customers can use, instead of usage being subject to a Fair Usage Policy (FUP).

Vodafone has provided a route to cancellation without charge, so today we’re going to walk through that route and provide a letter template for those looking to cancel. We’re going to be direct about the matter; our letter template backs up your right to cancel with consumer law, and we’re going for the assumptive close.

What’s the issue?

Many of Vodafone’s contracts include a FUP in the general Price Plan Terms. A FUP means that charges for excessive data usage are discretionary, not mandatory:

27. All Vodafone services offered free or under unlimited subscription are subject to our Fair Use Policy. If, in the reasonable opinion of Vodafone, your use is excessive, we may ask you to moderate your usage. If, after we have asked you to moderate your usage, you fail to do so, we reserve the right to:

(a) charge you for the excessive element of your usage at your price plan’s standard rate;

(b) throttle your usage; or

(c) suspend or terminate your service in accordance with your airtime terms and conditions.

In their latest announcement, however, Vodafone has stated that from 1 October these charges will become mandatory for any and all usage above the contracted limit. This mandatory out-of-bundle charging means there can’t be a subjective element of “fair usage” if charges are imposed regardless:

On 1st October we are introducing out of bundle data charges. These charges will only affect the small proportion of customers who exceed their data allowance. These customers will be subject to the following charges:

– Customers without a data bundle will be charged 50p for every block of 25MB
– Customers with a data bundle (Value pack, flexi pack or as part of their tariff) will be charged £5 for every additional 500MB

Vodafone appear to recognise this is change to the Price Plan Terms that are part of many customer contracts, because they have outlined a route to cancellation without charge.

Are you eligible to cancel?

First, you need to check whether you’re eligible. As we understand it, some smartphone contracts already have a hard cap on data usage, in which case there is no change and you won’t be eligible. There may also an issue as to whether newer contracts are affected; check the Price Plan Terms that are relevant to your contract; if you contracted recently (from 7th June until now), you may have agreed to different terms.

If you’re unsure how to calculate the figures specified by Vodafone to see if you’re eligible, take a look at the letter template below – all the help for working out the numbers is in there.

Do you want to cancel?

It’s apparent that all mobile service providers have their faults and make changes to contracts that customers are unhappy with. You need to ask yourself whether Vodafone provides a service that suits you. Is the coverage right for you? Is the tariff? If these changes don’t affect you, please don’t try cancelling for the sake of it; it takes the focus away from customers with a valid concern. (more…)

Idiot

Get a quote from a price-comparison website and you might as well just start you own blog filled with loads of your personal information, then go on The One Show and tell Jason and Alex all about it. Those are more or less the findings of the dudes and dudettes at PC Pro, who have discovered just how easy it is to access the personal details of customers of Confused.com and Comparethemarket.com.

With Comparethemarket.com, PC Pro found that all they had to do to access the entire quote history of a customer was to input their email address, surname and date of birth. None of which is particularly hard to find, especially in the era of social networking where people are happy to sleepwalk their way into offering up so much of their private info.

Another idiot, with his idiot mate

By inputting those three simple pieces of information, a whole heap more was available – telephone numbers, car registration and make details, occupation, personal details of spouses as well as property details where house insurance quotes were available. Staggering stuff, and an identity thief’s dream come true.

When it came to Confused.com, PC Pro say that all that was required was to fill in a web form to reset the account-holder’s password before gaining access to quote history and further personal information. They said that any hacked account holder wouldn’t even know that someone had been sniffing aroung in their data as no email confirming the password change was dispatched.

PC Pro say that they have contacted both Confused.com and Comparethemarket.com but at the time of publishing the story earlier today, neither company had tightened up the security on their sites. Confused.com did say: “We take our customers’ data protection seriously. We are currently in the process of upgrading our password reset and retrieval methods to enhance security for our customers including use of additional security questions, and this will be available in the near future.”

The moral of the story – don’t buy your car insurance off an up-his-own-arse meerkat.

Tesco is, as ever, being accused of all manner of dodgy stuff. As Bitterwallet are represented by I Can’t Believe It’s A Law Firm! (headed up by Lionel Hutz who also, according to his card, offers “expert shoe repair”), we’re going weedily deflect all attention to other people who have made these claims.

So, the incredibly wealthy retail franchise has been accused of hurrying a massive building programme ahead of the introduction of controls that would severely limit its expansion.

Yesterday it was alleged that Tesco bought a town centre shopping precinct on the quiet via a front company and then allowed it to become derelict. Why? They ALLEGEDLY used this run-down precinct in Renfrewshire to convince the local council to allow them to open a nice, shiny new shopping complex.

Tesco ALLEGEDLY claimed that there was big support in the community for this new superstore, but the telephone poll used as the basis of the claim stated that only 38 out of the 440 people contacted agreed.

Tesco deny this of course.

Tescopoly – a group that is focused on sticking the fingers up at the company – are speaking out with a spokesman telling the Daily Mail: “Research by Tescopoly and Friends of the Earth has found that supermarkets such as Tesco are very clearly exercising their muscle in the planning system. They have such vast resources that local councils are not really on a equal footing when it comes to negotiations and are often powerless to resist their expansion.”

It’s probably right that Tesco are a bit aggressive in the market, but are they different from any other ginormo-company? Doubtful. And there’s no question that they create a lot of jobs for the communities they’re in, not to mention providing that same community with cheap goods. Many get worked up about Tesco while wilfully shopping there.

Are the rampaging nature of Tesco a bad thing or not? Readers – it’s over to you. ALLEGEDLY.

Yesterday, we commemorated the anniversary of the death of Princess Diana in as tasteful a way as we could muster – by showing you an old ad where a lookalike of the People’s Princess whizzes through the night in a car.

Unfortunately, not everyone treats the memory of the Queen Of Hearts with such respect and reverence. Check out this DISGUSTING advert from China for a range of lingerie that is tastelessly named after Her Deadjesty.

Horrible isn’t it? While also being fiercely arousing, obviously. Our in-house translators (the Daily Mail’s website) tell us that the ad urges us to ‘Feel the Romance of British Royalty’.

We’ve been gawping at it for an hour and there’ll be something getting else felt before long if we’re being completely honest…

We asked what was the point of the Advertising Standards Authority (ASA)  recently and… well… didn’t really come up with a decent answer. They’re like toothless combs scraping over a bald man’s shining dome.

Well, now the ASA can be equally non-effective in the online realm as they’ve got the power to wag a pointless finger at the internet as a whole.

The official line is that online marketing and advertisements will face with same strict advertising rules as trad. arr. media from March next year. The reality is that people in marketing are probably shrugging their shoulders at the news and continuing to pick specks of cocaine from their receding gums.

If they actually do their job, this could be good though. The ASA are going to have the power to ban crap marketing statements on things like Facebook and Twitter.

“This is a massive step. Consumers don’t differentiate between adverts on TV or online and this ensures that claims online will be subject to the same strict scrutiny of those in traditional media,” said an ASA spokesman to Auntie Beeb.

Alas, it’s not all good news as, in an effort to appear groovy maaaan, the ASA don’t want to meddle with online freedom of speech, which means that their new remit isn’t going to impact on any content written on sites. Expect a load of hastily written PR sheets then.

The ASA will, however, be given the power to remove paid-for search ads. If they do it right, the ASA could actually tidy the internet up, but really, the chances of that are more remote than a troglodyte’s kitchen.