[From Amazon. Thanks to avid Bitterwallet reader Natalie]

On February 9th, we reported on studies by the Office of Fair Trading that said we dribblers who stare at computer monitors all day long know more about our consumer rights than ever before.

However, some government research reveals quite the opposite and that we’re a bunch of slackjawed morons, all blindly walking into each other like idiots looking for the corners in a lighthouse.

Apparently, more than 60% of shoppers were less likely to take back goods bought online, compared with items purchased direct from shops.

We consumers also appear to have no idea  about our legal rights when it comes to refunds. Did you know about the right of a seven-day cooling-off period? No. You didn’t, because someone else said so.

Yet, despite all this, us lot based in the UK are ranked as Europe’s biggest online shoppers. We spent £38bn on useless shit last year… that’s 10% of everything we bought in retail terms.

This research was carried out by the Department for Business, Innovation and Skills for a Know Your Rights campaign run by the government-funded Consumer Direct.

They discovered that three-quarters of UK consumers didn’t know there were differences between online and high street consumer rights.

In fairness, the survey also showed that consumers didn’t have the foggiest when it came to shopping in actual shops on the high street. One in ten (a number on a leest!) believed that you couldn’t return stuff after they’d left the store. Blithering idiots.

The consumer minister, Kevin Brennan, said: “It is important we all know that most online goods can be returned with no questions asked within seven days. We want confident consumers who can assert their rights and get a good deal.”

Michele Shambrook, operations manager for Consumer Direct, said: “We want consumers to be more confident when shopping on the high street or online. People who are knowledgeable about their rights are more likely to get a fair deal, save money and resolve problems when things go wrong.”

[Guardian]

We’re warned when we’re about to view some Ryvita dry, crappy government site with a handy .gov.uk suffix, so why not filth? Well, there is a plan to create a specific domain for filth-peddling websites.

It’s looking like it’ll be .xxx which was first put forward three years ago but was rejected by internet regulators, Icann (Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers).

The governing body will reconsider the .xxx scheme on 12th March.

Initially, Icann had welcomed the domain with open legs back in 2005, but then chickened out after a bunch of protests from US conservative groups. No-one should ever listen to those idiots, should they? They think everything is immoral… especially three consecutive x’s in a domain name.

“If the contract is signed, we could be selling names by the end of the year,” said Stuart Lawley, chairman of ICM Registry, which put forward the plans for .xxx and would sell the domain names. “Those that do want to see it can; those that don’t can filter it out,” Lawley added.

Apparently, an arbitration panel at the International Centre for Dispute Resolution ruled that the plan should be revisited. It’s hardly surprising it got the go-ahead as the panel was made up of the muckiest buggers of all – retired judges. I bet they were all wearing fishnets under their trousers and had tangerines secreted up their backsides. Or am I thinking of someone else?

This news comes as the sex.com domain, often described as one of the most valuable internet domain names, comes up for auction. It’ll be sold on March 18th and will have a starting price of $1m (about £670,000). It’ll surely go for much more than that?

[BBC]

We’re not sure we approve of such a crude concept, but this Sunday (14th) marks a whole month since Valentine’s Day, and has become recognised around the world as the slightly-more-male-skewed ‘Steak & BJ Day.’

We’re sure you’ll agree that it’s a terribly vulgar celebration, but if you’re a woman who is happy to go along with it in order to keep your man happy, HotUKDeals currently features a bargain on fresh Scottish beef sirloin steak, only £7.99 per kilo.

There’s also a special offer on Colgate Plax mouthwash – only £1.00 for 500ml. We’ll keep an eye out for bargain-price kneepads as the week goes on…

Plenty for you to drool over today at a wide range of price points – a telly, a Blu-ray player with a big bundle of free discs and a laugh-filled DVD for buttons.

Divert your praise away from us and in the direction of HotUKDeals – they’re the ones with all the moves…

We tried battering you all into submission with a TV/Blu-ray player one-two last week but in case you missed out on it or have suddenly acquired £800 from somewhere, here’s another one.

Basically, you’ve got your 50 inch Panasonic VIERA TX-P50S10B which is just £629.10 for TODAY ONLY with the help of a voucher and your Samsung BD-P1580 Blu-ray player that comes with ten Disney blu-ray discs – that’s just £154.95 delivered. What’s not to love about all of that?

Next today comes a big price drop for THE game of 2009 – Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. Sure, it was available for a knockdown price when it was first launched but it’s hovered around the £40 mark ever since.

Now it’s down to £24.99 on both the PS3 and Xbox 360 and generating some mighty heat over at HotUKDeals. If you’ve held out from buying it until now, it’s hard to resist at such a low price.

Finally today, one of the most underrated British comedy series of recent years – The Armando Iannucci Shows. All eight episodes on DVD for the miniscule price of just £2.97.

In case you don’t know of Iannucci’s pedigree, he’s the man behind The Day Today, Knowing Me Knowing You, I’m Alan Partridge, The Thick Of It and In The Loop. Clip beliow – yes, he’s even better than Joe Pasquale!

(deals found by HUKD members gary_rip, Bass Monkey, goner_187 and spurious)

Here’s Paul Daniels, his career already in a tailspin that’s only slightly more dramatic than that of Liverpool FC this season, done up like a helium-fuelled goblin and plugging the services of cash-for-mobile company Mazuma.

Assisted as ever by The Lovely Debbie McGee, Daniels hams his way through a script that drops in the magical amount of £150 even though that’s the toppermost amount you’ll receive from trading your phone in with Mazuma. You can speculate among yourselves as to what type of handset you’d need to bung into the bag in order to nab yourself that much cash.

We hope Paul and Debbie got more than £150 for their efforts here as their old Saturday night shows were by no means worse than the shite gameshows BBC1 churn out in an attempt to make the Lotto draw seem like more than some coloured balls falling out of a piece of a transparent piece of hospital equipment.

A mum, yesterday

Right, where was I? Oh yes. So a couple of weeks have passed since your media-friendly nonsense about a man eating a winning scratchcard, and you need another excuse, any excuse, to whore your wares. What about an entirely convoluted survey that proves nothing whatsoever? Yes!

Ryanair, the world’s favourite most frequented airline, is gunning for the mums. It’s nearly Mother’s Day again (this Sunday, fact fans) so the budget airline has produced some vital statistics that demand you buy your mum a Ryanair flight or she’ll hate you forever. Fact. See, according to the budget airline who surveyed 1,000 mothers, “90 per cent of mums see Mother’s Day flowers as a waste of money and would prefer a (naughty) weekend away from the kids.”

Difficult to know where to start with this one. Let’s begin with the fact that Ryanair can’t read the results of their own survey, the results of which state:

Ryanair’s survey asked ‘What would you like to get this Mother’s Day?’:

• 55% a voucher for a (naughty) weekend away from the kids
• 20% Mother’s Day meal in a restaurant
• 15% Chocolates
• 10% Flowers

The statement “90 per cent of mums… would prefer a (naughty) weekend away from the kids” is an outright lie, so the number is only 55 per cent – the ‘news’ article’s byline gets the facts right, but lazy churnalists will cut and paste from the ambigious body copy, not the headline.

There’s then the fact that nobody was actually asked to choose which item they thought was a waste of money – they were asked to choose which gift they’d prefer to receive. So 90 per cent of mothers don’t necessarily think flowers are a waste of money. You can’t even state they wouldn’t want flowers on Mother’s Day, because that wasn’t the question asked.

Finally, given the choice between a weekend away and a bunch of flowers, of course people are going to choose the former. The most shocking revelation is that 45 per cent of mothers didn’t choose the free holiday. Predetermining the available choices is obviously going to define the response – if the list of possibilities had included free mortgage payments for a year, nobody would be choosing a couple of nights of yankee doodle in Lanzarote.

Yeah, it’s not that big a deal, it’s only another bit of fluff on nonsense from Ryanair – but it’s always worth pointing out what a lot of horseshit is blurted out in the name of you, the consumer.

Hurrah! Haroo! Harrumph! The ongoing spat between the Royal Mail and their hardy army of workers appears to be over – but perversely it could be bad news for those of us who DETEST junk mail.

The Guardian are reporting that smuggled away in the small print of the agreement proposal is a pledge by Royal Mail to remove the restrictions on how much junk guff they are allowed to pump into our homes.

At present, an agreement is in place meaning that posties deliver no more than three items of junk per household every week, leaving us free to devour our bills and all of the other unwanted shit that comes as a result of us omitting to tick or not tick a tiny box on some form or other a long, long time ago.

But once the beef-settling agreement is ratified, those restrictions will go and we could find more unsolicited crap pouring through our letterboxes every day, given that the delivery of junk mail is key to Royal Mail’s operations.

Currently, Royal Mail workers deliver only about a quarter of the UK’s total junk mail and the company hopes to take business from other postal operators. All of which should do them no harm if they want to hang on to their Worst Company In Britain 2009 title…

You might have picked up on the fact that we’re quite excited about the impending arrival of the Apple iPad next month, but it’s easy to see why some people think that it’s nothing more than a bigger version of the iPod Touch. Sort of the same way that a bus is just like a bigger version of a car.

Fortunately, some major companies are getting ready for the advent of touch-screen tablet computing (yes, other tablets will be available) and are doing some good hard imagineering about how the new format can be best used. Here’s a glimpse into the future courtesy of Penguin Books and it shows that the iPad will be so much more than an (already-obsolete) eReader.

There’s interactive games for little people that make use of the touch-screen and motion sensor capabilities along with educational books where you can chat live online with other students who are on the same page.

There’s also travel guides that allow you to build your own holiday itinerary or email postcards to loved ones with some simple dragging and clicking. You’ll even be able to hold your iPad up to the heavens and get instant info on the stars in the sky.

All of that makes us feel a little bit tingly and if none of it dazzles you even a little bit then we don’t want to be your friend anymore. Seriously. Go and stand over there, next to the Luddites. You’re dead to us.

It’s normally the length of time that countries give before judging new leaders but Asda have set themselves up to have the piss hauled out of them by their customers by extending the length of time that customers have to return clothing to a whopping 100 days.

It’s a poke in the eye to Marks and Spencer, who recently reined in their own returns period from 90 days to 35. Asda have said they will allow customers to return any item from their George clothing line up to 100 days after purchase, regardless of how many times it had been washed or worn.

The supermarket recently trialled the 100-day period on their school uniform range, with £900 worth of returns and refunds against a total of £9 million worth of uniforms sold.

Fiona Lambert, brand director at George, took a deep breath and blah-blah-di-blahed: “Even though officially it’s the end of the recession, the attitudes we have developed towards being less wasteful are here to stay. Although we all want to make do and mend, the reality is that the busy mum just doesn’t have time. The George 100-day quality guarantee now means that our customers should be just as happy with a George garment after washing and wearing as the day they bought it.”

Carla from Corrie - her knicker factory returns policy is unknown

What do you lot reckon to all that then? Are you already peacock-proud of the fact that you dress from head to toe in George clobber or would you rather set fire to your own arms than be seen in such tat?

Maybe you previously dismissed the range as a poor man’s Primark but will now head in the direction of your nearest Asda and deck yourself out in George finery?

Or perhaps the name George makes you make about that horrible old bastard of the same name who is trying to steal Peter Barlow’s son on Coronation Street and therefore puts you right off wearing anything with that name on the label?

Yes, let’s talk about Corrie instead. That Carla, eh fellas? Hard boiled egg through a hosepipe we reckons.

[Neurosceptic]

The egg – surely nature’s greatest gift while at the same time being mankind’s deadliest foe… and that.

They’re almost perfect in their design, but getting the good stuff out of the middle of one is a living nightmare. Bits of shell in the bowl, broken yolks, dealing with the fact that you’re handling what is ostensibly a hen’s period, these are all things that can drive the average regular egg-handler to blithering madness.

But no more… a tool has arrived to help protect us from egg-related breakdowns. Named (almost TOO perfectly) the EZ Cracker, it will break open your eggs cleanly and without fuss or mass shatterage. Plus, if you want to separate the yolk from the white (eggparthied) it’ll do that as well. All in for a mere kick in the arse under £20. Frigging genius.

Just look at the infomercial below. See the problems that ordinary people have with busting those eggs open. Admit it, they could be your hands amateurishly struggling and fumbling when all you want is a quick omelette.

If that wasn’t enough, order now and you’ll also get a free EZ Scrambler, a device that mixes the egg while it’s still inside the shell. Hold on, surely THAT’S the scientific breakthrough here isn’t it?

Don’t know why we’ve bothered running competitions to give away the Nexus One and the iPad – surely this is what The Public really want?

[Robert Popper]

We’re off to Japan again for today’s ad, and to be honest, our headline tells you all that you need to know about this one.

Here in Britain, we’re still stuck with the Halifax and their Bastard FM radio station. In Japan, they’re knocking out hair-clapping ads as a matter of course. Ah well…

Put your hand up if you’ve had one of those cards from your postman, telling you that he had a package that wouldn’t fit through your letterbox and has bunged it off to the local delivery office.

Now put your other hand up if you’ve subsequently made the trek to the aforementioned delivery office only to find that the package in question is a free energy-saving lightbulb, sent to you as a special treat by your energy supplier. Hmm, a few hands in the air we see (we don’t really – that would be impossible… or would it?)

An old-fashioned light bulb yesterday. Piss off old-fashioned light bulb!

It’s a deeply frustrating event and one that is responsible for two in every five cases of self-elbow-chewing in the UK (or so we imagine). You should try not to focus on the time and energy expended in getting to the delivery office and back though – you’ve just got a free lightbulb.

Unfortunately though, it seems that most of us don’t actually use the sodding things, and research by the Energy Saving Trust suggests that 60 percent of the 224 million energy-saving bulbs dispatched over the past two years haven’t been used yet.

The deluge of unwanted bulbs was at its worst at the end of last year – new Ofgem rules state that from January 1^st, bulbs can only be sent out to householders who have requested them.

But it seems that the bombardment of bulbs is nothing more than an exploitation of the regulations as energy companies try to get away with the cheapest and easiest methods of being seen to be saving energy.

Although they’ve sent out 224 million energy saving bulbs, government target figures for the period stood at just 110 million. Meanwhile, targets for domestic cavity wall insulation installations were 2.9 million homes – according to Ofgem, less than one million homes have been done to date.

Energy suppliers – screwing their customers in increasingly imaginative array of ways. It’s almost admirable if it didn’t suck so hard.