A customer actively knowing more about their rights, yesterday

Do you know your rights? Apparently you do. You may not think you do, whilst you’re sat there, dribbling at your flickering monitor in your stained undercrackers, listlessly flicking dead insects from your hair whilst dreaming of a day when you’ll be allowed to eat Angel Delight dry from the packet wearing nothing more than a dirty grin in a bus-stop… but you are more aware of your rights than ever before.

That’s according to studies by some staggeringly dull people at the Office of Fair Trading (OFT). They’re saying that internet shoppers are more aware of what is just and more online retailers are complying with consumer protection laws than ever before.

In essence, retailers are upping their game because they’re aware that they’re being watched by a horde of e-smartarses.

The OFT carried out a survey of online shoppers and a study of online shops in a follow up to research from 2007 (remember 2007? What a year that was! It was International Heliophysical Year as well as being the year Anna Nicole Smith randomly shuffled off her mortal honkers) which showed that a lot of consumers were completely ignorant of their rights and many sites thought it would be fine to take advantage of it.

The report said, without anything moist to counterbalance the dryness: “Overall assumed compliance and information provision by online businesses has improved with more sites now providing full geographical addresses, and fewer sites imposing restrictions on cancellations,” it said.

Assumed compliance? What does that mean? Apparently, it’s the term used in these studies when sites they examine appear to operate in line with the law.

“A greater proportion of sites reviewed in 2009 appeared to comply on all aspects for which they were assessed,” said its report of its ’sweep’ of retail websites. “While the web sweep covered larger businesses, it is possible that assumed compliance of smaller sites, not included in the review, also improved due to the larger sites setting a higher standard.”

Isn’t that thrilling news? They go on to give woolly figures about how we’re all better equipped when it comes to calling out foul play on retailers who think it’s alright to mess us about. I’d tell you the stats but, to be quite honest, you’d probably try killing yourselves (again) if I typed it all out.

The report also claims that less of you are using price comparison websites. They reckon that’s because we’re more likely to keep going back to familiar sites, rather than concluding that price comparison shopping was on the wane. Whether they’ve looked into the fact that price comparison sites make the most irritating adverts on TV is not clear. I know for a fact that there’s a secret army of people being gathered in an underground lair ready to find the people responsible for the Go Compare commercial, ready to flog them like canines in the street.

So what does all this statistical shit mean? Effectively, it suggests that we’re all a lot more confident when buying crap online… but you chumps probably knew that anyway. Sorry for wasting your time.

[Register]

As of yesterday, and following a sustained campaign by sellers, eBay has once again adjusted its rules over P&P. In the past, hiking up postage fees was a sneaky way for sellers to earn extra cash but eBay turned that trick on its head last year, making certain items P&P-free.

Naturally, this enraged sellers who found themselves forced to increase their starting bid prices to include the cost of P&P, which in turn meant that a larger chunk of their earnings went to eBay as Final Value Fees. Grim.

Still following this? If not, here’s a picture of a kestrel for you to stare at for a minute or two.

So anyway, hordes of angry eBay sellers have been kicking right off over the rule changes for the past few months until yesterday, when eBay altered their P&P rules, making things kind of like how they were before.

As well as scrapping the free P&P rules, the widely-hated online trading site has implemented a new list of categories that have maximum charges for postage and packing, in an attempt to put an end to blatant profiteering, although we expect that hundreds of ways to get around this have already been dreamt up.

Humans – scum aren’t we? And eBay – them too.

Rape yellow? Small problem with the spelling of ‘melon’ too…

[Dark Beige Twitter]

Look, up in the sky! Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it’s a Travel Tavern! Sweet muscular Jesus, what is going on here? The future of hotels and travel, that’s what. It’s what the progressive, forward-thinking minds in the Bitterwallet office are calling Hotravelling. Or Travotelling. Something like that, anyway.

This, my friends, is an airship, a hotel in the sky, not unlike Cloud City in The Empire Strikes Back. It’s a concept for The Aircruise is a 265 metre tall structure that could float above cities or even across oceans.

Luxury is the key to it all – there’d only be room for a maximum of 100 guests and crew, and there’d only be ten apartments available to check into. No oiks booking in for a spot of afternoon yankee doodle, then – you’ll have to make do with the Travelodge for now, I’m afraid.

While the Aircruise could remain tethered it’s also conceivable, at least in the minds of the engineers who have designed the specs, that the vessel could travel around the world – the Aircruise could travel at up to 100 miles an hour and a journey from London to New York could be completed 37 hours. If it isn’t blown into a tree and popped.

The Toyota recall of their vehicles following reports of sticking accelerators, while obviously a very serious issue raising grave concerns over safety, has also been good for a few laughs, too. For example, the unofficial Viz Top Tops account on Twitter has provided plenty in recent days:

• SPEEDING MOTORISTS – just put a Toyota badge on your car.
• PETROL HEADS – fool your neighbours into thinking you own a Toyota by driving at 80mph into the side of their house.
  
• WATCH OUT! The car behind is a Toyota.

Meanwhile, Toyota jumped on the new-fangled media bandwagon of pleading for forgiveness via the medium of YouTube. Director of operations in Blighty, Jon Williams, stares the camera down as if it spilt his pint, failing to realise that apologies look less convincing if you force yourself not to blink throughout. If you still haven’t found time to watch four and a half minutes of a global corporation apologising and pronouncing Toyota as Ter-rurta, here’s a quick summary:

• We’ve really quite sorry, but hey, everything’s ok. My family drives a Toyota so what’s to worry aobut, eh?
• Apart from there’s a chance it’ll kill you! Wahhhh!
• Here’s the science part – concentrate. Your accelerator pedal is screwed. There we are.
• New parts for your cars will begin arriving next week.
• If you don’t contact us willingly, we will utilise the DVLA to hunt you down like the dogs you are.
• The repair takes just thirty minutes and it’s free of charge for all Toyota owners. Assuming you live that long.
• Again, we’re really sorry. Sorry. Cheers.

Believe it or not, but we’ve checked the records and apparently we haven’t ran a story about the iPhone since 2008, so here’s one now. It’s a preview of the new iPhone 4G model that is said to be on its way later in the year, and widespread changes are afoot!

The source of the rumour is iResQ, a complicatedly-named iPhone repair shop who we’ve never heard of, but their findings are sweeping The Internet so we’re happy to report them as hardcore facts.

iResQ claim to have in their possession a front panel component of what may or may not become the iPhone 4G and the great news is that it will be one fourth of an inch of taller than its current incarnation!

They also speak in hushed tones of a “reflective, mirror-like surface” near the top of the phone’s front panel, and word is that this is almost certainly a relocated proximity sensor, which could mean that the sensor could be used for other, brand new functions. Blimey.

With all of that in mind, here are some new rumours that we’d like to introduce to the global conversation regarding the 4G iPhone…

• The 4 in 4G represents the additional fourth of an inch in height that the phone will have.

• The added space in the iPhone’s casing will house a tiny container filled with brandy for the owner to use in an emergency.

• The newly-positioned proximity sensor at the top of the iPhone will act as a dream catcher – swipe at the air with the phone and it will detect dreams that you can then watch at your leisure via its iPod feature.

• The proximity sensor will also be able to detect animal faeces from a distance of up to twenty metres, making it invaluable whenever you’re trying to sniff out bullshit.

Kulula is a South African airline who wanted their airline’s livery to stand out, so they combined the Dummy’s Guide to Aviation with bright green – voila! Not only does the new look provide passengers with a checklist to ensure nothing important has fallen off the aircraft, but even the location of the black box is identified, saving time and resources in the case of a major air disaster:

Turkish Airlines could learn a thing or two from Kuwala’s eye-catching makeover, who also let graphic designers loose on their fleet. Instead of fancy new livery or a nice logo, however, they inadvertently created a new type of aircraft:

[PSFK] and [Photoshop Disasters]

I haven’t swung by HMV for a while, but I recall seeing this type of thing happen in the past. Avid Bitterwallet reader Kirsty and her chum bought a pair a headphones in a sale at the Bullring store in Birmingham, only to discover shortly afterward that she hadn’t saved a bean:

General electronic doofery or the curse of having a new sale every other day? You decide. Or, alternatively, don’t. Send more, none or less of the same to bitterwallet@gmail.com.

With only a few hours left before Valentine’s Day (if you regard more than a hundred as a few) here’s some of the latest ways you can show your love and increase your chances of getting a quick bout of ramalamadingdong without burning a hole in your all-important pocket area.

If it wasn’t for HotUKDeals, there would be no love anywhere, ever. Know this.

First off comes that traditional symbol of what we all know and love to call luuurrrve – it’s the dozen of the red roses. Not only are they beautiful and romantic but they taste great too! (note to self – research this before publishing)

But I can’t afford a dozen red roses we hear you roar. Ah, but what if they were only £2.00? HotUKDeals reader sausage25 is right behind such affordable blooms, saying: “Cheap and nasty tiny-headed roses which will droop within two days. These roses can’t be produced at this price without exploiting the growers.” So, erm, there you go.

Next up comes the romantic meal, and you can’t swisher and seductivlier (it’s sort of a word) than a Harvester restaurant. For God’s sake, there’s the infinite salad bar, the Kickin’ Garlic Chicken and the Original Spitroast. It’s all there!

Now you can get a £4.99 early bird meal deal with a FREE Sundae Best ice cream thrown into the bargain. If that won’t win the heart of your fair maiden/rugged manbloke of choice then we don’t know what will. Rohypnol?

Finally today, one for all you long-distance lovers – the kind who can only stay in touch by getting on the net and having long, lingering web chats together. Now you can ‘look’ at each other in a higher visual quality.

It’s all thanks to the Microsoft Lifecam Cinema HD 720p widescreen webcam, which is only £39.94 delivered and a right proper bargain. But if you’re an ageing Eastenders legend who decides to indulge in a game of the Mr Sausage puppet show with a fan, take care – it could cost you your job.

(deals found by HUKD members craigk8163, ianshona and 888)

Can’t really function without tooting enough cocaine to fell an adolescent hippo? Do you like smoking tabs and getting wankered on WKD whilst pregnant?

Have you ever invited film crews to shoot every moment of your life, including the time someone stuck a pipe through your skin to slurp all that fat out of you?

Or maybe you’re a cackling know-nothing harridan who likes spouting off about piss-all on TV every lunch time and has claimed to be a nervous 16 year old debutante in a previous life as well as saying that gay people shouldn’t be allowed near children… children that you’d send to prostitutes if they passed their GCSEs?

Basically, if you live your life like an unfathomable dunce from a Chat Magazine column, then you might be interested in a job that’s come up.

You see, Iceland (the supermarket) is launching an X Factor style search for an ordinary customer to become its new “face”.

A face that could appear in adverts next to piles of budget grub that you’ll try and persuade the public to push into their gobs. Gobs already not averse to the ingestion of ‘meals’ that turn the blood into something that looks like pate in brine. Blood that is tired of being slowly squeezed through butter-lined, near-collapsing arteries. Blood. Blood. Blood. Basically, a replacement for Coleen Nolan, who is stepping down from the ads.

These commercials will probably be like those dreadful B&Q spots where real people regale us all with good value whilst appearing to be reading from an autocue at gunpoint. Or the Oxo family with a crystal meth habit.

Marketing chief of Iceland, Nick Canning said to the Mirror: “Coleen is a hard act to follow so we’ve decided to turn the spotlight on our customers to give them a chance.” And pay them less, or so we assume.

The posterwoman for frozen gluttony will be announced in April.

Click here to enter/submit your mate’s name for a laugh

Ethel Austin, yesterday. Hang on, it's actually Ethel Merman.

They reckon that if you’re struggling in the water and you go under for the third time, that’s it.

But discount chain Ethel Austin might not even get a third crack at survival as they’ve just been placed into administration for the second time in as many years.

The chain, which also includes Au Naturale, was on the brink of collapse in May 2008 before it was rescued, but administrators MCR have been appointed. They’re not ruling out closures of some of the chain’s 300 stores or redundancies.

Could it be the end for Ethel Austin and/or Au Naturale? Do any of you shop there and would they be missed if the worst happened? How about Stone Cold Steve Austin? Do any of you like him? Or Tracy Austin the tennis player? She was quite pretty if we remember correctly…

Three years ago, Sky Marshall O’Leary caused all manner of excitement amongst both the aviation industry and consumers – Ryanair would begin operating long-haul routes to the US for less than a tenner (not including taxes, credit card payments, baggage or online check-in fees) within three to four years. A new brand would be created to operate between Europe and six US cities, and as with its European services, passengers would pay for food and drinks consumed on-board, as well as in-flight entertainment.

For now, alas, the low-cost transatlantic dream is over. The Irish Examiner reports that O’Leary has put the plans on hold for several more years, because of a backlog in orders for long-haul aircraft. As you can imagine, the news has stunned the Bitterwallet team – for months we clung to the hope of coital relations that didn’t cost us money:

Our Japanese advertising correspondent tells us that the Nisshinbo Corporation are at the forefront of the fight against global warming, as these two short ads prove beyond doubt.

It seems that they’re doing so in conjunction with bears. In the first ad, a bear is shaving itself with the help of a chipry young Nisshinbo employee. Less fur in a warm world equals happier bears you see, and we’re always on the lookout for happier bears around here.

Next comes a touching scene as the bear (with fur having grown back) bawls his eyes out Gazza-style after a reading a newspaper article about the plight of polar bears in this warm-as-balls world. Then he, erm, does a little dance.

Nisshinbo? No idea mate.

[Presurfer]

Google’s HTC-made smartphone the Nexus One (pictured), faces stiff, cheaper competition in the coming months – from HTC.

They’re bringing out a phone that has been codenamed Bravo – it’ll be remarkably similar in spec to the Google phone apart from in pricing, as it is expected to be about $100 cheaper.

Better still for customers, they’ll be able to get the Bravo over the counter from mobile retailers as opposed to direct from Google, who have been criticised by the poor customer support available for the Nexus One.

The Bravo is expected to be unveiled at the Mobile World Congress trade show in Barcelona next week, and should appear in the shops shortly after the UK launch of Google’s phone. If you’re eyeing up a Nexus One, you’d be well advised to do your homework on its cheaper cousin.

[Guardian]